Mommy guilt.

Last night before I went to bed, I had a complete mommy guilt breakdown. I was looking at pictures from a couple of years ago, when my babies were still babies. I made me really realise how fast time is flying by. I am on a speeding train with no way of getting off to smell the flowers. Levi's once gaping hole where his two front teeth used to be is now crowded with chicklet looking adult teeth. Austin's adorably soft and curly baby locks are gone forever. 

Not long after Levi was born, I got bored and was a little lost. I was used to working with people all the time, being out every day, and staying busy. Now I was a mom. It was hard for me to get used to. I spent the next six years looking for something more. Something to make me more than just a mom. 

I spend countless hours sewing clothes to sell for other people. I went to craft fairs, sewed clothes for friends and sold online. It was great. My husband and I designed and built our home. I started a non-profit group and run a free boot camp twice a week. I bake cakes, I make gluten free food out of the kitchen I dreamed of. I have helped organize countless events, painted murals, put on my own art show, and redesigned my house room by room. I have run races, worked at a "real" job and over the last couple years, choreographed over 20 songs for the Boudoir Rouge. 

In all the action of my crazy life, I forgot to be present in what mattered most. I feel that I was so busy the past few years, trying to find out what was missing in my life, only to realize that I had it all along. I somehow feel like I missed out on the baby stages. They are growing up to be little people with opinions and things to say. I don't know how or even when it happened, but it did. They are growing out of clothes, toys and books. Their favourite baby books are being replaced with robot chapter books. They don't need me to cuddle them as much any more and they want to spend more time with their friends. They are even reading! Levi will be taller than me before I know it. Even his face has changed so much since September. 

I wish so much that I could turn back time, or even just stop it for a little while. I want to pick up my little babies and smell that new baby smell, content with just that. I want to take back all the nights I missed because I was too busy focusing on everyone else. But since I can't do that, the only thing I can do is move forward with this, and these thoughts. Move forward without forgetting this feeling. Be present in their lives today, right now. There is a balance. Yes, I still need to keep part of myself and not let that get lost, but now I can let everything else go....and just be a mom. 

My gluten free journey.

About three years ago I was diagnosed with celiac disease. My life was turned upside down in more ways than I could count! After ditching the wheat, I had more energy, my constant tummy troubles that plagued me since childhood mysteriously disappeared, and I was even thinking more clearly.  I no longer felt sluggish all day and it felt like I had a new lease on life. But the romance of it all quickly dissipated once I realized all the things I would have to now live without. Things like juicy A&W burgers, cake, egg rolls, Chinese food, fish and chips, doughnuts, half of the chocolate bars out there, French bread, chicken fingers, cinnamon buns, noodles, perogies, Aunt Ruth's favourite Christmas treats.... I could go on all night . I spent a year cheating on myself with the occasional wheat binge in the closet, followed by a couple of days of tummy aches and a really grumpy attitude. There were just certain things I could not live without! I decided that I was going to work really hard to find or make alternatives that tasted like the real thing. 

On my quest to find comparable replacements, I discovered that they came at a price! Anything labelled "gluten free" was code for expensive and with brick like texture. I began to make everything. For two years I spend hours researching and testing recipes, countless dollars on ingredients and many nights serving my family puck like breads and desserts. There was one night that my then three year old son bit into a bun and it cut his lip. (I cried right there at the dinner table.)  I also credit most of my success to my sister, who in the same boat, was able to point me in the direction of all the best recipes. Here are some tips I have learned along the way.

* Do not let over complicated gluten free cook books scare you. Google is your friend!

* Gluten is everywhere and is found using disguises all over the place. Who knew "caramel colour" or "smoke flavour" also meant gluten in most cases? 

* If you are going to a pot-luck, BBQ, wedding or dinner party, eat before you go, or confirm beforehand that there will be gluten free food available. I can't tell you how many times I have gone somewhere for dinner and only eaten corn chips and water all night. (Or if you are like my sister, just pack your own picnic!)  

* Just because a restaurant says something is gluten free on the menu, does not mean that it is. Most people don't understand how important it is to use separate utensils and most people don't understand what gluten free really means. Sure the bread for your burger is gluten free, but the bacon is not.

* When eating out, NEVER assume that something is gluten free. Things like milkshakes should be gluten free.......  I learned this is not always the case.

* Be prepared to do a lot of cooking at home! 

* Make your own flour mixes! The ones I have found on the market today are filled with stuff I can't pronounce and packed with other thickeners that are not good for you.

* Gluten free does not mean healthy! Just because you are eating gluten free does not mean you get out of reading labels. In fact, a high percentage of gluten free products are filled with added sugar and fat to make up for the missing flour. 

* If you are going to make bread, forget everything you know about baking bread. The process is completely different! 

* Don't just replace everything with rice! Branch out to different flours and pastas, like quinoa pasta. 

* It does not have to be expensive. Like soy sauce!! Most of them are $6 a bottle because they are gluten free. I found one that was not even advertised as gluten free for less than $3! (The bottle does say gluten free in small print!

Last but not least, do not get discouraged! There is a lot of information out there and there are a lot of people (way more than there was two years ago!) who have already done the trail and error for you. If you are new to the gluten free world, ask your friends, they are bound to know at least one or two people who have gone through this process and are willing to share tips and ideas. I am always willing and excited to talk gluten with newbies. Good luck!