Two things.

I have been wanting to write this post for a while now. Something would always stop me. I didn't have the energy, the kids kept me busy, dinner was burning, dinner wasn't on the table yet, my car needed gas, I didn't have the words, my hair wasn't right... I had a lot of excuses. There are a million reasons why I would ignore talking about my experiences with mental health. But mostly because if I didn't talk about it, it could still be that unreal thing that I ignore. That thing that no one wants to talk about or hear about. I'm not sure what it is about mental illness, but we are not ready to have those conversations.  

 

Last week was mental health awareness week here in Canada. In the states they get the whole month. Its been four months today since being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Some would say the longest four months of my life. I have learned a lot about myself, and I am lucky enough to have lithium work for me and not make all my hair fall out. I have been feeling the most "normal" I have every felt in my life. Two things I have learned. One is, no one is comfortable talking about bipolar. Two, I need to find people who do. And more than that, they need to understand. This illness is fucked and I don't think anyone can really get it unless they live it.

 

 Here are some fun facts that might get the conversation going.

 

• 1 in 5 suffer from a mental illness.
• 60 million people suffer from bipolar.
• Bipolar is a miscommunication in parts of the brain. I was born with it.
• More than two-thirds of those with bipolar have one close relative with the illness.
• 25% of people with bipolar disorder will end their own life. That number jumps to 64% for those who go untreated.
• There is a 15% chance that one or both of my children are bipolar.
• Most patients face up to ten years of coping with symptoms before getting an accurate diagnosis. It was nearly twenty years for me.

These are kind of unsettling stats. I try not to think about it. Today was a good day, but I still feel so lost in the world. I try to focus on what I can control, like the slow sip of coffee in the morning. One moment at a time some days.

 

                                                          As always, thanks for listening.  

My bi-polar diagnosis.

     The day was Monday, January 15th 2018. The alarm was a punch in the gut after a long night of tossing and turning. I struggled to get my eyes open as I reached for the phone. My husband was already gone for work and I could hear the kids rummaging about. Austin's heavy cough broke the dull pattern of movement. He had been sick since Christmas. This was a new one though, since Saturday. But I knew he couldn't stay home today.

     One foot in front of the other, I slowly walked to the bathroom to pee. I didn't bother looking in the mirror and I didn't bother combing my hair. It had been three days since I had done that, why start now? I threw on my baggy jeans, a t-shirt that went to my knees and the sweater that's three sizes too big. Levi knew something was up, he was being extra helpful. Austin was just sick and spent the morning begging to stay home. It killed me. I made two lunches and in an autopiloted haze, I drove the kids to school and walked them to their class. Austin begged again to be home with me. But between the teacher and I, we convinced him that he would miss out on so much fun if he left. He gave me one last hug and walked away. I took a breath, turned around and walked what felt like six blocks to my car. I feel like such an asshole for leaving him at school. But I had to do this. Another deep breath. Turn key. Shift gear. Go. "Today is the day you check yourself in."

     I don't remember many of the details on the drive... or any. My advice, get someone to drive you if you suspect you might be crazy. I was so terrified. "Are they going to keep me?" Or "What if you ARE crazy?". What if its nothing but a panic attack and I am sent home with the realization that this is the way my brain works... its just life baby! This was my biggest fear. Anxiety has tricked me and ruin my day thousands of times, was this just a repeat? I walked in and sat down. I cried before I could even open my mouth. And I chocked out the words. "Can I see someone in mental health, please?" Words I never thought I would say. I never thought my mental health would ever get this bad. The first thing I said to the nurse, was "I cant stop the chatter." I was living my life three days before this. I was dancing, I was happy, I was excited. Then one day, I wasn't. It was like someone had died. And that voice that's always been there, it was getting louder. I cried for three days. Sobbing. Not only can I not stop crying, that voice is yelling at me to do shit. Not like kill my family shit, but shit none the less. I couldn't turn off the noise. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized I had never been able to.

     The first doctor I was nice and all, but simply suggested an Ativan and I'll be me on my way. Thankfully the mental health nurse was there and able to talk to me. She asked me a pile of questions. When she asked me if anyone in my family had ever been diagnosed with bi-polar, it confirmed my own suspicions. I had only recently thought it might be bi-polar, but not actually. I never thought I believed it. Less than fifteen minutes after speaking with the second nurse, I got to see a second doctor. It didn't take long. "The bad news is, its bi-polar disorder. The good news is, its treatable." I cant even describe this feeling. Relief maybe. It was surreal. To me, bi-polar was right up there with the real kind of crazy that no one talks about. (And this is the main reason I feel like I need to talk about it and normalize it. I am sure I'm not the only one who went, "Whoa, she is actually a crazy person." when they found out about my diagnosis.) He gave me a prescription for lithium and set me up with an appointment to see a professional.

 

     Bi-polar disorder for me means not being able to regulate my mood. It doesn't matter how much I eat right, exercise, be vegan, be awesome, be fearless, do more, take naps, do less, meditate, go to yoga... I can do everything right and still feel like I want to kill myself. It got to the point where I was wishing to get cancer to that I could just not have to deal with my brain anymore. Its too much. Its too hard.

 

     And then there were days where I feel ignited! I can do anything! I can choreography two songs, sew a ball gown, clean the kitchen, cook dinner, dance, workout, and stay up late to sew corsets. I feel electric and I believe that nothing will get in my way because whatever it is, I am destined to do it. Its magic and exhausting. I feel like a superhero and its become part of me.   

 

     Now that I am happily medicated, I can "live a normal life". I don't feel as much as I used to and I will have to work at keeping my meds regulated for the rest of my life. If I do a workout twice in one day, my meds are thrown off and I will spend the night crying. I need to drink a ton of water, which means I pee a ton. My creativity, while still there, has been moved to another part of my brain, like the basement. Its harder to access and that sucks. But I am mostly ok with it. Is there a possibility of me falling off the wagon and start believing the purple elephants are coming for me? Sure. But really that's possible for most of you reading this.

 

     I am sharing this for two reasons. One, is that if you think you might have a mental health problem, are too depressed to shake it off, or whatever the issue may be, go in and get it looked at. Get help. Its not that scary. Now that I have a diagnosis and medication, I feel like a normal person and I no longer picture myself drowning in a rushing waterfall. Reason number two, bi-polar is not that scary. Its hard. It will always be with me not many people understand what its like. So lets just keep talking about and seriously, ask me anything.

 

 

Self Love.

      I am going to be honest with you for a few minutes. I have been struggling to see my self worth. And I preach that almost every day! I preach self love and finding your value and purpose. I encourage people to jump in blindly with both feet. I encourage people to be confident in who they are! Yet for some reason I struggle with that. I don't feel good enough some days. I grew up in a house where every time I expressed myself, I was laughed at. As an adult, I am often scared to express myself. I worry what my closest allies will think. I never feel good enough. It is an automatic, programmed response.

 

 

      So here I am, waiting for someone to tell me that I am loved or that I am worth it. And that's where I realized I was wrong. No amount of hearing it will make me feel it. I need to find that in myself. Self care and self love are inside jobs. Now I took some time in the past for self care and self love, so that never occurred to me that it might be the problem. I am sure its like everything else in life. You get what you work for. You would never work out for a week and expect to be healthy for the rest of your life. That's ridiculous. Self care and self love must be practiced and cherished. 

 

      I want to challenge you, as I challenge myself. Imagine for a moment that you knew 100% of the time, that you were an amazing rock star who could accomplish anything. Imagine that you could achieve all of your dreams and you would have no fear. What does that look like for you? Write it down, focus on it. What does self care and self love look like for you? For me it's working out, walking in the forest, having a bath, going to bed early and leaving the kitchen a mess. (Yup, that's a fact.) The most important thing I will challenge myself to do it a mantra.

 

 

                     *I am a rock star

 

 

                              *I am strong

                                                          

 

                                       *I am unstoppable

 

      Believe it. Say it every time you leave the house, say it when you walk into work, say it when you enter your house, when you get gas, when you have a workout, when you need to pee, when your are picking up Chinese takeout for dinner...you get the idea. Imagine what a crazy world we would live in if everyone thought this way.  For now until the end of February, I challenge you. Share with me how you are going to practice self love and what makes you a badass! #bcgbadass  Tag it in posts and pictures and share with your friends! I will pick one winner to receive a one month workout plan, 6 hours of personal training, and a full fitness assessment.

 

 

 

 

 

Throw out your damn scale!!

     Ok ladies, (and gents!) we are going to get real for a few minutes here. This topic has been coming up in many areas of my life right now and I need to talk about it! Who here struggles with their weight? Who here steps on the scale and feels defeated, ashamed and disappointed? Who here has this goal: I want to lose weight. Who here is too afraid to admit their real weight? If your hand when up for any of these, you need to listen to what I am about to tell you. Weight doesn't mean anything.  Throw out your stupid scale!! The only time you should care about how much you weigh, is when you are entering a serious fitness competition and your weight depends on whether or not you compete. Are we clear about that? Here is how I know.

 

      For one thing, many factors will see your scale go up or down and they can change throughout the day! Did you drink enough water? Is it that time of the month? Did you enjoy a meal with friends last night? Do you need to poop? All of these factors come into play.

 

     Second, one pound of muscle and one pound of fat do not take up the same amount of space! If you are lifting weights, you may in fact be gaining weight but losing inches. A number of years ago I was on a war path to lose weight. I lifted weights three days a week and I was running 10km on the weekends. I was eating right and focused. My starting weight was 200lbs. Over one year later I went from a size 16 down to a size 10. I did NOT lose one single pound! At a size TEN I was still 200lbs! I was also very strong! (Kind of badass, kind of awesome)

 

     Third and MOST IMPORTANTLY, what you weight does not hold any value to who you are as a person and cannot limit you to what you can do! So why even bother counting? Weight does not prove that you are thin, it does not prove that you are talented. It does not make you better or worse. It does not make you strong and it does not make you healthy. Someone recently said to me that now that I am a personal trainer, I should consider losing weight. You know, "To show that you are a fit person who is qualified to be a personal trainer." I really want to obliterate the idea that I need to be thin to be fit. I will kick your ass just as good as any other trainer. Maybe even better.

 

     I am one month away from dancing in my underwear in front of 200+ people. I am getting close to the heaviest I have every been. I am not going to let a number stop me from doing something so amazingly awesome. I will never let a number decide who I am. I will never let a number decide how I am going to feel. I will never let a number dictate where I can take my place in this world!

 

 

For the record, I do not own a scale! But I was at the doctors the other day and found out my current weight. 204lbs ladies. So here you have it, 204 pounds of pure awesomeness and glitter. 

 

 

It's a REVOLUTION!

     I am not a huge fan of New Years Resolutions and here is why: First of all, it gives people the idea that they need to change. Like for some reason the super cool version of themselves is not good enough. Second, they tend you make you feel like shit when you fail. 85% of people usually quit within two months. (fact)

 

     I am not here to encourage you to make those New Years resolutions. I am talking about a New Years REVOLUTION! Let's throw out the idea that we need to be someone we are not and start being the best YOU that you can be. Don't do it to be thin like the pretty girls on tv, and don't do it because you think you have to. Start your own revolution to find out how strong you can be.

 

     I believe in body positive fitness. Its probably nothing like you have every experienced. Kind of awesome even. Here is how the Booty Camp Girls are different:

 

1) I will never weigh you. You are not cattle and the number on the scale means absolutely nothing to you or me.

 

2) I will help you reach your goals in and out of the gym.

 

3) I will help you to see how awesome and beautiful your body is, right now. You will learn to love your body, because every body is beautiful.

 

4) I won't measure success in pounds.

 

5) I believe that everyone should have access to body loving fitness, so if you can't afford it, lets work something out.

 

6) I will never encourage you to diet.

 

    Some of this may seem strange to you, but I promise you that I will make you stronger than ever. Give it a try for free. One by one, lets change the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Body positive!

     I am in the middle of writing my final exam for my personal training certification. The exam that will certify my bad-assery. After four years of teaching bootcamp for women, I will soon be official.  I have been thinking a lot about how I want my gym to be, how I want to train, and how I can inspire real change. I don't want you to come to me because you think you are too fat and need to be thinner. I want you to come to me to get stronger, faster, braver. I want you to be fearless! I feel this in my bones. There are too many women who don't believe they are great. Too many women who believe they have to change to be awesome. Too many women who hate their bodies or think there is something wrong with them. Or somehow think stretch marks mean something significant.

 

     I have been to many gyms in my lifetime. There were many different workout programs, there were many body fat tests and weigh ins, there were so many measurements of skin. I was given "do's & don't" lists for what to eat and I was told that I have a lot of work ahead of me, but "You'll get there!" Not once was I told that there was nothing wrong with me. Not once was I told that my body was great or beautiful. Not once was I every accepted with my current weight and size. I was continuously fed this lie that I wasn't good enough. And that is what is wrong with the fitness industry. For once I want to walk into a gym and be accepted for me. I don't want people excited for me to finally get rid of that baby weight! Cant I just walk into a gym and work out to be strong? Does it have to be about weight or size? I needs to be about acceptance, body positivity and self love.

 

     An interesting thing happened yesterday. I was doing a fitness test on three women and myself, as part of my final exam. (!!!!) I tested our one rep maximum, our strength endurance, our flexibility and our cardiovascular health. We are all completely different shapes and sizes. We are tall and thin, short and heavy, muscular and in between. Just by looking at us, you would assume that some are more fit than others. But my fitness test proved that its just not true. Aside from the flexibility, an area where I need serious work, we were all at the same fitness level. 

 

     My body isn't perfect, but its damn awesome! I have wrinkles, cellulite, thunder thighs, I have grown and given birth to two tiny humans, and I have one boob that hangs way lower than the other....I carry extra weight and I may not look healthy or fit,  but I will kick your ass. And that is why I want you to come see me. Because you want to kick some ass! Don't train with me because you hate your body and want to change it. Do it because you love your body and want to be strong. Do it because you want to run. Do it because you want to be awesome.  I will be officially accepting clients in February. Get ready to find your inner badass.

 

 

 

 

Who the real enemy is.

     I have heard so many sides to almost all of the stories. There are thousands of people, images, and industries telling you that you are FAT and imperfect. Every day. And not only do they tell you that you are fat, you are also ugly, obese, chunky, chubby and so on. But guess what!? We have a solution to all of your problems! If you only take this pill, run this marathon, workout, get of your ass, juice, eat clean, don't eat that-eat this,  buy my supplements, buy my cookbook, buy boobs, get a tan, loose the muffin top, tattoo your stretch marks skin colour so you cant see them. Yep, that's a real thing.

 

     There are two major things wrong with this. First, they make food the enemy. They tell you that everything you eat has too much sugar or fat. Too many calories, not enough kale! These industries who tell us we're fat have made it so confusing and overwhelming that we don't know what to eat anymore. We become a slave to scales and nutrition labels and calorie counting that we stop enjoying food. We spend half our life stressing over what we eat, and for what? Just eat real food. If It came from a lab, don't eat it. Simple as that.

 

     Second, and more importantly, they tell you and convince you that you, as you are right now, cannot be accepted for who you are. You must improve. They make you feel like YOU are the enemy! You must be not working hard enough. You must not be eating right. You must not be taking care of yourself...So not only do they tell you that you are not accepted because you are fifteen pounds overweight, they are also making the whole world believe that if you don't look fit, you aren't fit. I so desperately want to change this in the world. 

 

     I am forty pounds overweight and all my life I have been told that my body wasn't good enough. I have worked out tirelessly on twenty different fitness plans, I have tried countless diets, I have compared my body and its thousand imperfections to thousands of magazine images of health and "happiness". Never quite feeling good enough. Even at my most fit, I never felt like I had arrived. One thing I did learn along the way though, was that I AM fit. I work out three or four times a week, I have the thighs of a Russian mud wrestler, I can run 5km and not die, I can swim in the ocean, ride my bike and play with my kids. I eat well too. I take care of my body by eating real food. I don't waste time calorie counting, and no I don't care. I drink enough water and no I will not shove that disgusting smoothie down my throat every morning. I wont drink kombucha,and yes I still eat chocolate!  

 

     The problem with this crazy world we live in, is that so many women don't believe they are fit, healthy, beautiful, sexy, smart, or talented. The real enemy here is anyone or anything that makes you think you not are perfect just the way you are. So join me. Be the example. Love your body, love you for everything you are, right now. Become a Booty Camp Girls Body Image Ambassador and be proud of who you are! Stop letting someone else tell you what fit, sexy, healthy and beautiful look like and decide it for yourself!

 

 

 

Love, Dallas Glittertush

 

Motherhood struggles

The world is a very fake place. All day every day we are bombarded by perfection. Perfect parenting, the perfect home, the perfect crafts, "I had the prefect day with me perfect child!" the perfect pile of shit that makes me feel totally inadequate as a human being.

 

Today I got together with the amazing Sarah Joseph. She is currently hosting a 6 week long facilitate conversations that revolve around motherhood and the struggles we face. It was nervous at first, sharing my chaos with women I didn't know. They will surly judge me by my tattoos, messy hair, and cavalier attitude towards cleanliness. I am the first to admit, I struggle as a parent. Todays talk was about self care. I am sure you are rolling your eyes already. We all know that we should be taking time for self care, but we don't, for a million different reasons. Its a mystery. I have to say that after our ninety minute talk, I walked away feeling so great. It was amazing to listen to other moms worry about the same things as me. It was so great to know that I wasn't the only one doesn't always want to play with their kids! It was just awesome. We all talked about sacrificing a clean house for motherhood and we all had similar stories. So today I actually gave myself permission to be ok with being messy. That's just me right now, and I have better things to do and stress about. I picked up the boys after school and told them they didn't have to put laundry away anymore. I bought them each two laundry baskets. One for dirty one for clean. I also bought myself two other laundry baskets. I'm taking out all of the dressers with tiny little drawers that I spend hours organizing and putting things away. From now on my closet will be filled with laundry baskets. "Dirty" and "Clean". I feel so liberated. There are no rules that say I have to be a perfectly organized mom to be a good mom. And now that I know that non of us think we are really winning. I can rest assured that I'm not the only messed up, cranky, overworked, underpaid mom.

 

If you have the means to attend Sarah's workshops, I highly recommend that you do. Or at the very least, lets start talking for real. Share your struggles, be brave, be real. Motherhood is hard. Lets not make it harder.

 

https://www.sarahjoseph.ca/

 

The BCG

 

The Booty Camp Girls

Vision:

 To live in a world where every woman believes she is beautiful.

 

 

 

     My name is Rachel, and I am founder of the super awesome Booty Camp Girls. I didn't really plan this as my life's path, but it really seems to have chosen me. I had dreams of being an artist, a designer, an achiever. I had my dreams clouded by the allure of money. I never recognized what I was really good at until a friend pointed it out... or a number of friends.

 

     The Booty Camp Girls began in the Summer of 2012. Two women decided that they were worth the effort. We worked together and encouraged each other to work hard. Our goal to lose weight brought on a twice a week workout regime. We had fun with it and our hard work was paying off. We were losing weight and looking and feeling amazing. It got noticed and before long, everyone wanted to know what we were doing. Our twice a week workout duo grew to nearly twelve in a matter of months. It became so many things to dozens of women. It was a great workout, you got to enjoy the company of other women, you laughed, and it was a safe place to share the struggles of motherhood. It was sacred. Husbands and family knew, Tuesdays and Thursdays are your night, and that's that. That still continues today.

 

     As the Booty Camp Girls grew in numbers and motivation, we expanded from just working out, to fundraising for local charities. Since the Booty Camp Girls were founded in 2012, we have raised over $10 000 in cash and groceries for local charities. Charities like the Yew and Thyme Transitions Houses and the local food bank. We organized many events and countless volunteer hours we logged. Lifelong friendships were made and together, we moved mountains and will continue to do so.

 

     Since the BCG began I have worked with many women. Two things remain constant. One, very few of us take the time for ourselves, and almost all have low body confidence. I desperately want to change this. I feel it in my bones that I have to do all that I can to change this in the world. Even if it takes me one woman at a time. I want to CHANGE THE IDEA WE HAVE ABOUT WHAT STRONG AND BEAUTIFUL LOOKS LIKE. The amazing thing about the BCG is that does make a change. Not only are you gaining muscle, you are laughing, loving, and surrounded by women who think you are beautiful. Over the years we have won many races. Collectively we have run thousands of kilometers. We have hardware, we have torn muscles and we have a hundred pairs of old runners. But the best thing we have is something that can never be taken away. Confidence, and knowing that you can do something that you never thought possible. Believing in your strength.

 

     So what do the BCG have planned? I want to do everything I can to help you live your best life. I want to help you take risks, I want you to learn, I want you to love yourself. I want everyone to stop saying

       "Accept your body."

 

     F@c$ That! I want you to stop just accepting your body and I want you to freaking love it! I want you to be proud of your strength. I want you to be fearless. I want you to achieve. I want to provide you with the tools and support to do that. This little non-profit is going to do everything we can to offer these tools to you. I am in the works to bring you cooking and nutrition classes, meditation sessions, guided runs, essential oils classes, yoga and everything else you need to live a full life. I am also on the road to becoming a certified personal trainer.  And as always, we have Tuesdays and Thursdays.  

 

A number of years ago I wrote a Mission Statement. It still fits today.

 

  To provide guidance and motivation for women to

live a healthy balanced lifestyle. We encourage strength,

self love and acceptance for all.

 

My son and I took photos today. I explained to him that I was taking these pictures to show others to be brave. To show that I am strong, even though I might not look strong. He laughed.

 

"That's silly. Why wouldn't you be strong?"  ~ Levi, age 8

 

#thisiswhatmystongbodylookslike

 

 

 

 

 

 

New phase.

I lost both of my parents three years ago. After years of abuse and abuse onto my two young sons, I walked away and said goodbye to my parents forever. Over the past three years there have been many phases. It first I was devastated. Devastated that my parents were no longer in my life, but more devastated that my own parents could treat me with such hate and even more devastated that I had suppressed it.

As the years went on, I grew onto anger and hatred. I lived there for far too long. I was so angry. So angry that I nearly pull my own arm off in my sleep. So angry that I cried. I couldn't see. I desperately wanted to let go. Then one day, I just felt sad. I actually missed them and that made me shameful. How could I miss them? A good friend of mine told me that this was just the next step. "You are moving on." I was tired of the steps. When do you get to the top?

Today was a clear day. I could never be thankful for what I went through. Until today. I am not happy for all of the things she was. Mean, cruel, vindictive, the victim, hard, and manipulating. But I am grateful. For if she were not these things, I would not have become what I needed most. I had to be compassionate, motivating, encouraging, strong, and loving. I needed these things in my life because they just weren't there otherwise. And for that I am grateful. I would not be this person without her.

Now as I move into the next phase of my life, I know that it is the perfect fit. Being a personal trainer includes all of these things that I had to get really good at. So today, I accept and I am thankful. I will rock this life, and I will be your shoulder when you need it.

F@ck the future.

I often hear people say, "What do you want the future to look like?".

                    Who do you want to be when you grow up?

                                                                       When I win the lottery, I will.....

     When I lose weight....                When I find the man of my dreams....

 

                                               What are your goals?

What are you going to accomplish?

Goals are all good and I believe they have a place. But we live in a world where only the future seems to matter. There are many books, podcasts, websites and businesses based on convincing people that they can have the future they desire. We are consumed with looking a certain way, driving a certain car, having the perfect house, perfect family, Pinterest wedding, vacations to Hawaii.....the list goes on. So we work towards an ideal for the future without questioning if its right for us. We have to be successful so we work towards a job that we think will gain us the successes we desire in the future. We work on our yard so that someday it will be perfect. "Once I get married and have kids and have the perfect house, I will be happy." We are constantly making plans so that our future will be bright and we will finally have arrived. The problem with this pattern is that it never seems to be enough. We get the hair we want, only to realise its not making us happy so we move on to something better. We get the dream job but can't seem to feel the completion we thought it would bring us. We work so hard for the "perfect body" to find out that having the perfect body is fleeting and not the basis for true satisfaction. We focus so much on the future and having all of the things we desire that we forget about the present. We don't see the beauty in simple things and we don't realise all of the amazing things that we already have available to us.

This past weekend I attended a wedding. Two beautiful women who found each other in this crazy world, standing up to tell the world that they have found their soul mates. It was such a beautiful day. I was filled with so much gratitude for everything from the friendships I had there, the setting, the ceremony, the laughs, to having the love of my life to share it with. Weddings are the perfect setting to be in the moment. The bride and groom (or in this case, the bride and bride) are so wrapped up in their love for each other that nothing else seems to matter. Everyone is so focused on soaking up the love that the couple have to share that little things get pushed aside. The little moments are what matter on that day and they are plentiful. Everything is beautiful and shared. There is a sense of inclusiveness that is found nowhere else. It was an uplifting and beautiful day. I spent the entire day in the moment. I didn't think about tomorrow, I didn't worry about the future, I didn't worry that I wasn't good enough in the world. What a world I would live in if every day was as profound.

 

I grew up in a house where everyone else's needs were put first. Now that I have been freed, I have given myself permission to put me first, in all aspects of my life. I don't even know what that will look like. Don't get me wrong, I will still care for my family, but I will do it in a way that feels right for me, 100%. As I begin to think about it, I realised that I don't even know what I want to do from here on out. But I do know one thing for sure. Its not about what the future will look like. I want to figure out what my life should feel like. I need to figure out how I want to fill my soul and how I can hang on to that feeling, every day. I need to be present and make choices that reflect how I want to feel, not how it will get me ahead in life. I can't guarantee that this life will bring riches or luxury. I can guarantee that at the end of the day I will be happy with my life, whatever it turns out to be.   

 

 

 

 

 

Before and After

I really don't love the idea of before and after photos when working out. It gives too many people that idea of our before picture was a less awesome version of you. All of the things you were before, you still are today. No matter what you weigh, no matter what size you are, you are beautiful. Everything about YOU is 100% awesomely yours. Start appreciating what your body can do. Feel beautiful at any size and any age. Next time your look in the mirror, say "Hey beautiful!".

 

I have struggled with weight and unhealthy eating habits for most of my life. I walked a hard road and was taught to eat my feelings, literally. I grew up not really knowing how to eat right and exercise. Its taken me much of my adult life to learn these things. I am still learning. I have also learned that its not about winning races, its about doing what you can do. Its not about looking like a fitness model, because you are beautiful too. Its not about "dieting" forever, its about a new lifestyle. I have learned to love myself no matter what and the number on a scale was just that, a number.

 

I'm not going to lie, I still tend to eat my feelings. And after going through what was probably the worst two years of my life, I had put on weight. I never knew for sure because I never stepped on a scale. At my yearly checkup this past week my doctor got me on that scale. I want to tell you what I weigh, to prove to you that weight doesn't matter. I weigh 212lbs. This bothered me. And I am the first to always tell people that weight doesn't matter. This time it did. I wrestled with it for a few days. Why did this number bother me? I talked it over with some close friends of mine one friend asked me how I felt? I had to let that one sit with me for a bit. I had been working so hard on improving my mental health, that I let me physical health slide. But now that I was really starting to feel better, I was noticing things I did not like. I had a hard time walking up stairs sometimes. I was having more issues with my asthma, and my knee was stating to ache. All of this made me realize that I had been taking advantage of my body and not giving it the proper nutrients it needed. I was filling my plate with high sugar and high fat foods, expecting them not to affect my health. So I made the decision to focus on my health, for the sake of my health, not my ego. I will not exercise like a manic and I will not diet. I am choosing to eat what my body needs and no more than that. I will no longer let my emotions choose the menu. I am actually sad that I will change shape. I love the beautiful curvy body that I have now. But I wan to be able to run with my kids, play basketball and kayak and all of the other things I love. I want to grow old for grandchildren. I want to have energy and I want to feel great, not just ok. So here is me in my before in all its curvy glory. All 212lbs of it. I post this knowing that all the awesomeness I am today, I will still be after.

I will stand beside you.

When I was growing up I was always told that being gay was disgusting. It was wrong on every level. Men should not kiss other men. Women should not kiss other women. Men should never wear dresses or makeup. It was gross and should not be seen. Public displays of affection were ok, unless you were with the same sex. Then it was publically mocked. I always felt like she was wrong. My instincts told me that it was wrong to hate or mock someone. (This is one of many reasons I no longer have any sort of relationship with my mother.) When I was "experimenting" in college I always felt like I was doing something so wrong....that felt so great. It was then that I realized it didn't matter. Gay, straight, bisexual, whatever. Can we not just be and do what feels good?

 

I recently spent a week with my sister and her husband to get away from the daily grind. Since it was pride week we attended the city's pride parade. Say what you want about gay people, but what I saw was the most beautiful group of uninhibited people I had ever seen. The same can be said about my gay friends. They are the most genuinely authentic people I know. What I saw at that parade was true. There was no shame. People walked side by side and were beaming with love and light. I felt like I belonged and was accepted. 

 

When I got home yesterday I foolishly watched the news. I felt almost violated. How in this world today can there be such hate, for what? I want my kids to grow up in a world where they can be who they are, no matter what. I never want my kids to hear what I heard as a child. I never want them to feel alone because of who they are. So what can I do about it? The answer isn't simple and can't be found easily. But I do know that one simple act can be the start of something great. Today, I do the only thing I can do. I am writing this to tell the gay men and women in my life that I accept them. I love them for who they are. And whatever label you have on yourself, know that its not needed. You can be whoever you want to be and I will support you. I will stand beside you.  

Fit or fat. The new battlefield.

When people say things about someone or describe someone in terms of their weight, I stop them. Especially if it's my son.  "Weight is a non-issue.", is my response. I would love to believe that it's true. This is the only time I will ever lie to him. But how else can I start to change the world?! There are three issues with weight that explain why our love/hate relationship with fat is so prevalent in the world today.

 

Problem #1, the media. Every day we are bombarded with images of what we should look like. Every magazine is filled with images of thin models and ways that you too can become one. At the end of some magazines there are even listings of the best plastic surgeons. Magazines even tell you how to be sexy, how to look smart, how to do your hair, how to smell.... How are we supposed to figure out who we are if we are told to look like everyone else?  How does this affect us as human beings if we can't look like that, I wonder? It's not only magazines, its the internet, t.v. shows, it's in our culture, our community, stores we shop in, movies, even the damn woman on my new cookbook looks beautiful. There are women who spend their entire lives being fake and spending hours and thousands of dollars on simply looking beautiful. They make whole t.v. shows about it! We are showing little girls that all you need is looks. And if you don't have them, it's ok to spend money altering yourself to gain them. (If you ever let your child watch "Keeping up with the Kardashians" Unfriend me now please.)

 

Problem #2, the fashion industry. I have been a size 8, a size 16 and everything else in between. Recently I put on weight. I could have cried in the change room when the size 14 didn't fit. I could have started wearing a moomoo. I could have screamed at the lady for the unjust standards in todays clothing industry. But I didn't do any of those things. This time, I simply bought the bigger size, pulled up my big girl panties and moved on. After all, its not your body that makes you look overweight, it's wearing clothes that are two sizes too small. So, with my new outlook I decided to start looking in the plus sized clothing. Which really should be labeled "Normal Person Clothes". I started checking out these websites in secret. After all, I didn't want anyone to know that I was now a "PLUS SIZE" Let me just say, that for one thing, I am really glad they are now using heavy set models for their content. I am however super disappointed in the lack of style and shape in the clothing. It was like they didn't even bother to use darts or fancy seams, or even nice material. This is so very true for most plus size clothing. If you want cool torn jeans with a little embellishment you have to be size 12 or under. Apparently you have to stop being cool when you get fat. 

 

Should I even talk about bathing suits? I am a firm believer in loving what was given to you! Some are thin, some are tall, some have curves and some have non. Having a little extra to love doesn't mean you get to miss out on the summer. If you want to have a bikini body, put your ass in a bikini! End of story. So the other day I set out for a new bikini. This ties back to that whole thing about "its not your body that makes you look fat, its wearing clothes that are too small" I am all for wearing a bikini, just make sure it fits you right. My current one does not. I went to three stores on the coast. One had only small sizes. They were so cool and cute and colourful, but not in any real woman's sizes. The second one had one bikini in a size XL and it was black and the most boring bikini I had ever seen. The third store told me "You don't really fill that top out." She was right, I have a surprisingly small bust for the amount of curve to my ass.

 

Problem #3, the lies. We are told time and time again that "You too can be thin like me!" The health and fitness industry is a $78 billion a year global industry. That is a lot of money spent on being fit, yet we still have one of the highest obesity rates ever recorded on a global scale. The biggest lie they tell is that you will drink all the drinks, do the workouts and get thin. And by getting thin you will also now magically love yourself too! This is not true. What they are not telling people is that if you want to be thin or fit, its a commitment for life. They also neglect to tell you that if you don't love your body now, you probably wont love it later. Self love and acceptance come from within. I am not a believer in fad diets and empty promises!

 

So what is a girl to do? I saw a book today that had written on it: Honour your body by staying fit. Can we not agree that the way we honour our body is as unique as each one of us? We are not all built the same, how can we say we all function the same? For me, all I can do is be real and authentic. I honour my soul and body by doing many things, all which are right for me. Sometimes it's by eating real food, sometimes it's alone time on the beach, sometimes it's a good workout. We need to start teaching our kids that real bodies, all bodies are to be treasured and loved. Take care of yourself by taking care of your soul and your body will follow suit.  

 

 

                                                                                              

Beautiful just the way you are.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

 

Mothers Day

Mothers Day is all about treating your mom like a queen. Appreciating her for all that she has done for you, pampering her, and letting her know how much you love her. But for some, it's not all sunshine and rainbows.

This time of year is always hard for me and I know I am not the only one. Its hard because many people can't understand. Unless you have lived through it you could never know what it feels like to be abused by your mother. The pain can never be explained. It's hard to watch everyone post about how wonderful their mom is and how much they love them, when I am sitting over here wishing this day never existed. My mom, the woman who used to put salt on the top of my hands and beat them with a wooden spoon, gets praise for just being a mom. It hurts even more when I think about all that I am missing out on. I never had a mom that I could talk to. I never had a mom I could trust. My mom would help me out in tough times, sure. But she would hold it against me for all eternity. "Remember that time.... you owe me." So when all my friends are going on about how great their moms are, I am constantly reminded of how mine hurt me time after time. It's so hard to put that aside....

But not all hope is lost. As a mom of two little boys, I forgot to see it from their eyes. It is a constant struggle for me to be a good mom. And who could blame me, I had the worst example to follow. The great thing is, I have amazing examples all around me. It's my friends (also mothers) who are teaching me what it truly means to be a great mom. I am so grateful for the moms who teach me what true love looks like. They teach me that it's ok to let go, it's ok to cry, it's ok to love and its ok to make mistakes. Being a mom is such a hard job, but I know I can rock it because I have all of these great examples to follow. This mothers day I want to celebrate them! And I want to celebrate me and my sister! Despite all of the odds, we have overcome. My sister and I have ended the cycle of abuse! Our kids will never know what its like to grow up in fear. They will never feel the pain of abandonment. They will grow up knowing what a good mom looks like. They will always know love and will always have someone who's got their back. That is what I am celebrating this mothers day. So if you see me (or my sister) give and extra hug this mothers day. Because as much as we try to be strong, this pain will always be there. Happy Mother's Day to all of the truly great moms out there. I salute you.

Anxiety sucks!

Anxiety has been on my radar again.....

                                  I need to talk about it again...........


 I have been having more attacks lately, and I have been trying to keep them a secret. I felt like I didn't want to burden my friends, I felt like I should be "over it", it's embarrassing to be the crying mom who can't keep her shit together, I'm in denial...so many reasons. I am going to share my latest one with you, because I can't be the only one.

I was on a school field trip of all places. It was my first time on a school bus after overcoming the trauma of being in a school bus accident as a child. My first time without the use of pharmaceuticals to me get through. I hadn't even put that much thought into it until I walked down the aisle of the bus. Someone said there wasn't enough seats and someone might have to stand. I started to feel it then. The tingle through my body as my brain released chemicals that went coursing through me. I sat down wide eyed. The first ten minutes of the ride I was able to talk myself off the ledge. 'We got this, we are not going to crash, this is ok, you are safe.' It was all ok until the bus started making a couple of big bumpy turns. Turn after turn. My heart started to pound and the world got a little smaller around me. Every happy scream heard as a loud warning. Heard as a screech of  terror. My whole body got sweaty. My ears tingled. My chest got heavy as I struggled for a deep breath. I held back tears and screams. I just wanted to make them stop and I could walk. I wanted off. I felt paralyzed. I smothered every essential oil I had on me and it just made me panic more. It took forever to get there but the bus eventually stopped with one hard lurch forward. As we walked off the bus an eerie release went through my body. It reminded me of the moment I walked off the bus after the accident that changed my life. (almost 20 years ago!) Too many emotions are running through my brain. I need to cry. Oh my god its coming out and there is nothing I can do about it. Hold it together Rachel, there must be a bathroom right around the corner. You cant cry here! What would you even say? Quick, try to think of something funny...

I finally made it to the safety of the bathroom and let every held back tear fly. I ugly cried. Like really ugly. I felt so ashamed. I am damaged goods for sure. I wish I was a normal mom who could handle a field trip without brining baggage and drama. Can I please get over it and stop being like this? I was worried that someone would notice I was crying and I would have had to explain. I washed my face, fixed my hair and tried to pull myself together. And then I started thinking about it. I am sure, or at least I hope, that other moms have had these moments. Not even moms, but everyone. I'm sure that we have all ugly cried in a public washroom at one point in our lives, some maybe more than others, but we have all been there. We have all had these moments of anxiety that we are embarrassed about and don't want people to know about. But that is why we are feeling so alone. So here I am, letting you know that you are not alone and lets talk about it. We can't keep these things to ourselves.

I have also learned that its never really gone. When you go through a traumatic event or were abused as a child, there are always triggers. You can be "over" something and still have that one trigger that sets you off. Know your triggers. For me, I can't go on school busses, I cant ride in anything fast unless it has a 5star safety rating and a seatbelt, I cant let my kids do something on their own without talking to myself and repeating my mantra fifty million times. I cant yell at my kids without my moms abuse haunting me. All I feel is the pain I felt at a small child when I look at them crying. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, its ok to cry and freak out sometimes. Its ok to avoid doing things that are going to trigger you, and its ok to be a hot mess. We are all struggling, we are all beautifully flawed, and we are all going to be ok.

Thank you for listening and thank you for your support. <3

My inner voice is a trainwreck

"The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice."


       I see this quote on facebook all the time. I scoff at it. I ignore it. I hate it. And not because I worry that I may be damaging my child, but because I know it to be true. My mother was very abusive to my sister and I, as children and as adults. Yes, she used to say we could do anything. But then say, "Well, you can't do that." She would often put us down and say, "You're not an artist." or "You don't have what it takes." She would get us excited and believing that we could do something great, then pull it out from under us. She could never celebrate achievements unless they were her own. She made it clear to me that I could never be an elite. Always just out of reach.

       We are all destined for greatness. It is in all of us to achieve, we just need to believe it. I have gone through my whole adult life in the same pattern. I will get excited about an idea, dream big, believe I can do it and go for it. Then I convince myself that I'm not good enough for it. Its ok to give up and be average. Its ok to not be totally awesome, you weren't meant to live that life anyway. Just give up..... you don't have it in you. This pattern is true for business, fitness goals, life. Although I didn't realize until today that it was still my mom talking in my head. It is still what I believe. It is still bringing me down, day after day. She created my inner voice.

       So now what? I know I must move forward knowing that my inner voice is not in fact my own. I need to re-create it. I need to remind myself that I am awesome. I need to be the inner voice I never had. I need to.

     And to all you great mammas out there, you are doing a fine job. Don't let that saying scare you. My mom was all kinds of crazy with a straightjacket cherry on top. Just remember that what you believe to be true, they will too. If you believe you aren't good enough, they might start to believe it too. When we are little we believe we can do anything. Don't let them lose that and you will do just fine.

Own it!

Overweight. Fat. Skinny. Obese. Rolls.

 

      I have gotten to know all of these in my life. I have been way too overweight, I have struggled with self acceptance, I have won and I have lost. I have been 150lbs to over 200lbs and spent a lot of time in the 180lbs range. But through all of those times, one thing remains constant. The one, yet most important thing that remains constant.... is me. No matter what size I am, I am still great...awesome even. I am still funny. I am still a good mom. I am still an artist. I am still creative, fun, sexy, and vibrant! We need to stop seeing ourselves as only our weight and size. We need to start seeing ourselves for the awesome things we bring to the table, no matter what! Instead of dwelling on what we don't have, or what we couldn't achieve, lets celebrate the amazing things we have done! Yes, be active and be strong, but start owning who you are. Over the last little while I have been eating more than I should and working out a little less. I have put on some weight and need to buy new jeans. Meh....  I see my new layers of... "love" as a warning sign. A sign that maybe I have not bee nice too myself. Maybe I have not been taking as good of care of myself as I need to. I don't see a failure. I see someone who needs to dust herself off and get back in the game. I see someone who is strong and ready to put in the work to be more healthy. I don't need to fit into size 8 jeans because jeans don't define who I am. Only I do.

 

 

 

      

Leap

       When I look back at my life, I see the risks I took. The leaps of faith, confident that everything will turn out the way it should. I see now that every leap was a leap in the right direction, no matter how silly it seemed at the time. I think that we have to take risks in order to grow and be better human beings. Risks make you feel alive. It's sink or swim, no turning back, balls to the wall....

       It's been way too long since I have done that. I have been so busy hiding and keeping warm in my little bubble, that I forgot to live. I forget what it feels like to be totally naked, reaching for the reward. (I mean that figuratively and literally. hahaha) So it's time I remember what it's like. It's time I leave the comfort of my blankie, stand up tall and leap. This is the year of the leaps! How fitting that it's actually a leap year. In no particular order, here is my leap list.

• Run naked through the street
• Publish a book!!! Let go of fear, someone will read it, and someone might even like it!
• Overcome my fear of heights. Or at the very least, face them.
• Get tattooed....a lot
• Rock pink hair
• Go to a concert and dance like a teenager
• Abandon the idea that I should be doing something with my life. As it turns out, I really already am already!
• Wear more red lipstick
• Travel
• Be awesome!

It should be a good year!

Christmas officially begins in the Griffiths House

     Today is usually one of the happiest days of the year for me. It comes third after Christmas day and my birthday. Today, the Sunday after Remembrance Day, I am free to unleash the glitter gods and decorate my house for Christmas. I leap out of bed and go straight to the stereo. It isn't quite Christmas without the upbeat melodies of Michael Buble. The Lego Holiday Village takes its rightful place on the desk, the Christmas tree proudly stands adorned with years of glittered ornament making, the Holiday music can he heard from the street and the smell of bacon and waffles waft through the morning air. There is always a "Monica" moment from me, where I panic because the ornaments aren't being put in the right spot or there are too many gold balls and not enough red ones in the bottom corner. Its taken a few years for me to let go and allow others to help decorate the tree. Its a sacred thing! I still resist the urge to move them all around after the kids have gone to bed. 

 

     Even though I am surrounded by so much beauty and love, at the end of the day it feels like there is something missing. I know that the holidays are especially tough when important people are missing from your life. For me it is no different. Just because it was my choice to no longer have contact with my parents, doesn't mean I don't miss them. In fact, I don't miss them, I miss having parents. Real, loving parents who care for and support me. The feelings are stronger than ever this time of year. What I wouldn't give to have a family baking day with my kids grandparents. Learning all the family recipes, sharing family Christmas stories, seeing what it looks like to have three generations of people cooking in the same kitchen. Most people take this for granted. What I wouldn't give to have ten people sleeping here on Christmas Eve, eating cookies and drinking eggnog late into the night. Then waking up one by one after hearing the pitter patter of little feet, no doubt from my youngest son Austin, who is always first out of bed. What I wouldn't give.....