Confessions

Confessions. Sometimes it just feels good. I also like to do it because I know there are others out there who have done the same things. It's nice not to feel alone.

Here they are in no particular order:

• I once ate my child's entire advent calendar...before I even gave it to him.
• I ate a whole large pizza to myself.
• I will google a word probably three times a day, and will sometimes change my entire sentence to avoid a word I can't spell.
• I love the smell of arm pits. Especially a man's after a hard days work. 
• I also love the smell of cute little baby feet. (I know, I am totally weird)
• I sneak into my kids room at night just to look at how big they are getting.
• I want more babies, but I am scared that if I do, I wont be a good enough mom to them all. 
• I wish I was cooler and had a better sense of style.
• It bothers me that certain people in my life don't support me. They won't even read this...
• I have a secret desire to be pulled over by a cop and try to talk myself out of a ticket.
• When I lay in bed, sometimes I like to hold my hand on my boob...I don't know why.
• I never worry about what people think of me, but sometimes I think I should.
• I wish I could say what I really feel sometimes....
• I like to eat ice cream in the tub.
• Sometimes my son will act to much like me, that it makes me mad at him.
• I wish I would have gone to school to be a fashion designer.
• I once made a whole tray of puffed wheat squares and hid it in my underwear drawer... Ate it within a day. 
• I have wanted breast implants ever since high school.
• I kissed a girl and I liked it.
• I don't drink. But sometimes I think I should!
• I wish I was more of a perfectionist.
• I once got so high that I feel off my chair at the dinner table...after eating the topping off an ice cream cake. I was 18.
• I think I am sexier than I actually am.
• I am so terrible at math.
• I think my husband is sexy, even in his blue long johns with white socks pulled over them.
• I had to google "long johns"
• I never got over my sister moving out. I miss her a lot. 
• It's been 13 years since my dog died. I want another one, but I still don't think I'm ready. I miss him.
• I cherish my friends. They get me through, and keep me going. 
• The Booty Camp Girls saved my life, gave me purpose and keep me fit. I owe them everything.
• I have had to bury cupcakes in the garbage, under something gross, so I won't go back and dig them out.  
• I also had to google "gross".

Secrets to a happy life.

When I look back at photos of the last two years it still amazes me that life can be this great. I was not always blessed with such awesomeness. I remember many moments thinking 'This CANNOT be what life is about!!' I have been through struggles and heartache, loss and turmoil. But over the past few years I really think I have discovered some secrets to a happy life. So I am here to share them with you!

Secret number one:
You need to remove some words from your vocabulary:

*Perfect: There is no such thing! So why should you worry about it? Either remove it, or change its meaning. Perfect is what you make it... not anyone else!

*Spotless: I hate this word! I don't even know what it means anymore. I was never a very organized person when it comes to my home, and after I had my first child...forget it! Clean-ish is the best you are going to get.

*Can't: A lot of people don't believe they can do things. I believe I can do anything. And that might make me sound crazy, and make me do crazy things, but I love that I can look back with no regrets. That makes me happy!

*Ready: Some people spend their whole life getting ready for something. You may never be "ready" for it...whatever it is, just do it! Don't worry about how, when or where. The more you take leaps without worrying about the consequences, the more fun you will have.

Secret number two:
 STOP giving a tiny mouse shit about what anyone thinks of you and what you do! Be your own rockstar! You want to sing, do it! Scream as loud as you can. You want to dance, write a book, be an astronaut, dance in a burlesque show....Do whatever it is that is going to make you happy and don't care about what anyone says about it. There will ALWAYS be people who don't support you, and there will ALWAYS be people who DO! Find those people and thank them.

Secret number three:
Remember that life is so very short. Spend time with the people who care about you, love you and respect you. When you are old and grey, you are NOT going to thankful that you bought your kids i-pads. The things that matter most in life, aren't things at all. I had the privilege of spending the past month with my husband while he took some time off. This past month meant more to me than a new TV, dinners out, or the latest laptop. And I can guarantee that my kids will agree. Stop running around like a chicken with your head cut off and stop running yourself ragged.

It's that simple.

Heart thinker

I am a heart thinker! Loud and proud. I never think about numbers, I don't bother myself with what if's or how's, and true to my astrological sign, I am impulsive and stubborn. Sometimes it gets me into trouble, but more often than not, the outcome is exactly where I want to be.

A few months ago I decided (another impulsive, rock me to my core in the middle of the night) that I was going to purge my crafting emporium and build a commercial kitchen and bake birthday/wedding cakes and cupcakes. I didn't think of how, the cost, the time, or anything. I just knew that I had to do it. When I had my launch on Sunday for family and friends, I knew it was what I was meant to do. I finally feel like I have a career, a purpose.

Today is my husbands last day at his job. He quit his job after eight years to follow his own heart. I am more proud of him today than I have ever been. As I sit here alone in this house, it is occurring to me more and more that today is the last day of steady income. Today we get to follow dreams and be more alive than we have ever been. The only choice I have today is to think about the good, the grand outcome. If I worry about the grocery money, the loan payments, or the hydro bill, that will get me nowhere. I have to think about the amazing thing we are doing. Getting to spend more time together will outweigh all of that. Yes, I am scared....terrified. But I can't let that get me down. Today I will focus on what I love to do, and know that that is enough and the money will follow.

So tomorrow morning when we wake up and have breakfast as a family on a Wednesday for the first time ever, I will focus on one moment at a time. One cake at a time, I will make it. I believe that all you need to be successful, is you. I won't let fear ride shotgun today.

It has finally happened!

Holy Shit, it has finally happened!! This morning I stepped on the scale, much like every other morning for the past two weeks. This is NOT common practice at my house. I usually am leaning more towards the idea that scales are only meant for weighting babies and that all household scales in a house without babies should be set on fire, thrown out the window or both.

Let me give you some background information. In high school I was thin, and I didn't even have to work at it. It wasn't until just after high school, when I discovered the glory of a quick and easy fast food meal. By this time I was making my own money and could spend it on whatever I wanted....like CHEESEBURGERS!! I quickly went from 155lbs to 200lbs. My parents commented on my weight, but I was oblivious. I knew I was fitting into bigger clothes, but it wasn't until I was in a Walmart one summer that I noticed there was a problem.  Someone asked my when I was "due" and it was at that moment I decided to change.

I worked my ass off and lost the weight, and kept it off....for a while. I am pretty sure you can chart my weight gain to the level of douche bag of the guy I was dating at the time. Again I ballooned to 200lbs. Truth be told, I stopped weighing myself at 200. I knew I was overweight, I knew I should do something about it, but I didn't really care at the time. I was spending my days working, then going to the pub for beer and chicken wings five nights a week. Why would anyone want to change that?!

Then something inside me "clicked" again. Something had to change. My relationship was going from bad to worse, and if I wanted any hope of ever dating again, I had to lose weight. So I signed up for a gym membership, personal trainer, personalized meal plan, the whole nine yards. It was during those six months that I really discovered what I was capable of. Me, little old me, was capable of lifting weights, becoming strong, and actually seeing muscle form somewhere in the layers of fat. I credit Charlene SanJenko and Ben Smith for finding something in me that I never knew I had. (http://www.ibuildstrongwomen.com) I lost all the weight and was down to 169lbs. And a lot of that was muscle! I kept the weight off for a long time too....

Fast forward to 2007. It was July and I was sitting in the bathroom at work, staring at the two pink lines. We had been trying, but it was still a shock. I, was pregnant. Now if any of you have been pregnant, you know. Something unearthly happens to your body. You get crazy cravings, you eat a lot of chocolate, and are about half as active as you once were. At least that was true for me. After I had my son in 2008, exercise was the last thing on my mind. I went back to work within 4 weeks, I had a business to run and a new born. The extent of my exercise was walking to and from my car. I didn't lose much of the baby weight, and in May of 2009, I found out I was pregnant again. After my second son was born, I found myself hanging out around the 200lbs mark.

In the spring of 2012, I began working out. My friend Michelle and I started working out together twice a week. We stuck to it, and are still doing it today! In the year that we were working out, lifting weights AND running, I lost a total of ZERO pounds. My shaped changed a lot and I was happy with the changes. I went from a size 16 to a size 10/12.

My goal was to get back down to pre-baby weight, 169lbs. And for the last two weeks, my scale has been taunting me! 173lbs, 172lbs, 171.5lbs, 170.7lbs......So this morning when I stepped on the scale, half expecting it to start laughing at me, it read 169.7lbs! I know that weight doesn't really matter, and I will be the first person to tell you that. But seeing that number, after all the blood, sweat and tears, seemed to make it all worth it. I reached my goal! Now I feel more motivated than ever. I need to find new goals, and that's exciting!! The possibilities are endless!!

Bucket list writing 101

There are a few things to consider when writing a bucket list. First of all, for those of you who don't know, a bucket list is a list of all the amazing things you want to see and do before you die. (Or while you are alive!! As I like to think of it.)

Here are some basic rules when writing one:

1) Don't think of the "how" and "when"! Just write it. Don't ever not put something on your list because you think it's unattainable. I firmly believe that once you set out to do something, the stars somehow align and make it possible.

2) Add everything, even if it scares you. My sister once told me, "If it scares you, do it!" I have followed her advice ever since that day and my life has changed! The only way to grow is to break away from your comfort zone and challenge yourself.

3) Make it fun and crazy! Imagine what your life would be like at the end, if you crossed everything off your list.

4) DO NOT worry about what other people think of your list. You don't ever have to show anyone if you don't want to.

5) Don't finish it. You can always add to it.

So for fun, I thought I would share with you, my bucket list. Keep in mind, some of these have been crossed off already. ;)

• Go skinny dipping
• Run the April Fools Run
• Raise $100 000.00 for charity
• Go to Paris and kiss under the tower
• See New York at Christmas time
• Go zip lining
• Go Kayaking 
• Take a Yoga class
• Become a successful, published author
• Go to Disneyland at Christmas
• Meet a celebrity
• Be on TV. A real show, not the news
• See a real fashion show
• Watch the Northern lights with my family
• Have lunch with Bryan Adams
• Be on the cover of a magazine
• Go to Nashville and wear cowboy boots
• Eat lobster on the East Coast
• Landscape my yard
• Become a millionaire
• Do the West Coast Trail
• Have a girls only camping weekend
• Judge a food contest
• Win a huge jackpot at a casino
• Take my family on the East Coast cruise
• Hold hands with my husband on our 50th wedding anniversary
• Go indoor rock climbing
• Run a successful business
• Start a charity
• Swim in an infinity pool
• swim with dolphins
• Own a new, white Mustang with pink metal flake racing stripes
• Finish my degree
• Compete in a fitness competition
• Renew my wedding vow in a cheese Vegas chapel
• Dance in a burlesque show
• Camp on the beaches of the Oregon coast
• Kiss under a waterfall
• Go river rafting
• Have a pen pal
• Ride on a steam train
• See the Klamath basin
• Experience the Calgary Stampede
• Participate in a bike race
• Organize a charity run
• See my boys be successful
• Walk through a foreign village in the middle of winter, see the street lights glow through the snow
• Hold my grandchildren   
• Change someones life
• Eat Kobe beef

That is all....for now anyway. Have fun writing!!

To the past and to the future.

After I tucked my kids into bed, I was thinking about how the day had gone. My parents are quick to tell me (especially today) where I am going wrong in raising my kids. I am sure I am not alone in this. It made me think of how I might act in their situation, and I thought it would be a good idea to make little reminders of what not to do as I get older. It also got me thinking of the past, where I came from and how I got to be the person I am today.  So for fun, here are top 5 things I would tell myself at 18, and the top five things to tell my future self.

To my 18 year old self:

* Getting hit with an orange going 75miles/hour in the hallway at school is not the worst thing that will ever happen to you. So let it slide.

* There are better days to come!! You will have a full life that you never dreamed possible! Wishes will come true, you will one day be in control of your life, and the people in your life will really matter.

* You will discover the meaning of true friendship. It may take a while, and you will find it in places you never expected, but you will find it.

* Love is not at all what you think it is, and there is no need to rush. You will find true love one day and you will KNOW it. You will feel it in your bones and no one else in the world matters.

* You will one day be strong. So strong, you will be capable of anything. You will set goals and achieve them, you will set standards and rise above them, you will do anything you dream of doing, because you can.


To my future self:

* Your kids are going to make mistakes. It is your job to support them. Even if you think they are wrong, they need to make mistakes.

*  When your kids are doing something they are excited about, get excited with them!

* Never forget that time spent together is worth more than diamonds or all the wealth in the world. Silly times together is what you remember in the end.

* Try to remember that raising kids is a one time gig. Your job after that is to be the best grandparents you can be. You don't get to do it twice.

* Remember that true family are the people in your life who support you, stick beside you thick and thin, dry your tears and celebrate your triumphs.

Changing tides.

With the changing tides, come new days, fresh sand, and little treasures. But overall, things remain the same. It's only after years that the rocks and surrounding beaches show any differences. I feel like the way I live my life is the same. I am always in a crazy circle, fighting with my inner self. Trying to be more creative, trying to be more organized, always trying to do more for everyone. Somehow that is changing, and I think I like it!

This change has been knocking at the backdoor of my brain for months now but I have been ignoring it. It's like there is a little voice in my head saying "You don't need do that, you don't have to be that way." I keep thinking it's just a phase, or I am overworked or tired....But the more I step back, the more I simplify, the more I LIKE IT!

I decided last week that I was going to make some huge changes in my life. It meant cleaning out 15years of love and creativity and starting fresh. I have made space for a tiny part of my former life to remain, and the rest will all be cleaned out, painted over and started over. I will no longer be the person who has every little piece of fabric you could need, I will no longer have 19 colors of glitter (that part makes me a little sad) and I will no longer have 500 buttons. As a sat in my craft room tonight, I wondered if I this was another phase I was going though, hormones, or maybe even a mid-life crisis....I still wonder if I am making the right decision. I will be taking the leap of faith, and turning my craft room into a commercial kitchen. I will be able to make my cool cakes for stores and restaurants, cover more events, get into weddings, and try to make a little something out of my crafty ways to support our little family. It's a big step, and once I commit there is no turning back. I like to think I am ready. I will no longer be pushing and pulling myself in a million different directions. I will have one clear path, a real career.

I know it looks like I am taking on another project, and I am. But at the same time, trimming everything else.   I will have more time with my kids, more focus with my booty camp girls (who I love and would never trade in, not for all the diamonds in the world!), and less STUFF!!

I am scared and unsure of what this will bring, but my mom always taught me that if you believe in yourself, you can achieve anything. And I believe that's true.


Always remember where you came from, never look back, and keep your eyes on the road ahead.

Thank you for your support. Much love. <3