Moments

I believe that life is just a series of moments. Important moments are the ones that change your life in a second and shape your life into the one that was designed for you. Yes, you make choices, and I believe that what you  do with the life changing moments is what makes your life great. (If you let it)

There are many moments that I distinctly remember, that changed my life. Some were amazing and some were absolutely horrifying, but I wouldn't change a thing, because it brought me to where I am today.

The moment I realized I could be creative changed my life. I remember sitting on the couch with my mom and sister. I was 5 or 6. She was teaching me how to embroider shapes on a piece of fabric. I remember being so excited about picking out the colors and creating something with my own tiny hands.

The moment I stepped onto the stage for my first dance recital. I was terrified and exhilarated. I knew that I was meant to be there. Dance has and always will be a part of me.

The moment I watched my sister walk off the bus behind me after it was smashed by a fully loaded cement truck. I realized at that moment what my sister meant to me. The worry and fear that I felt for her was overwhelming. I knew then that we were each others protectors.

The moment I was crying in a hotel room, terrified to take a leap of faith. The next day I was scheduled to write the test that would certify me as a Subway Restaurant owner. The decision to let go and jump into the unknown, despite my feelings and insecurities, changed my life.

The moment I meant my husband to be. He literally asked me to marry him on the sport. Oh course I laughed and walked away, but as fate would have it, we married a few years later.

The moment I realized my life would never be the same. I was laying in bed with my husband in the beginning stages of labour with my first child. We were so tired and I we wanted to do was sleep. I wished that I could stop time and lay with him for a few more hours... just the two of us.

The second that I realized my husband was stuck under a 60 000lbs boat. I didn't know if he was dead or alive. That was the scariest moment of my life, and still two years later, I panic when he doesn't answer his cell phone or come home on time. And even though it was the toughest thing we have ever gone through, it make us stronger, and I am thankful for every moment more I get to spend with him.

The first time my son laughed.  It was the hearty belly laugh that lights up a room. I knew I had made the right decision, despite my feelings of defeat, exhaustion and confusion.

The moment I walked away from a relationship that was damaging to me and my family. I decided I would be in control of my life and my feelings. I still don't regret it, and remember the weight being lifted off as I walked out the door.

The moment I realized that it was ok to fail. There would be better opportunities and more chances to succeed.

The moment I peeked out of the curtains to see almost 200 people looking back at me. It was just seconds before I walked on stage to dance in the first Boudoir Rouge. I knew that we had accomplished something great and was so proud of my team and my ability to make my vision a reality.

The moment I finished a workout with a friend that would change my life. It was from that moment on that we decided that getting healthy was a choice we were going to make from now on.

The moment "Booty Girls"came out of Arthur's mouth. From then on, my workout friends and I were more than just that. We were a team, a group of amazing women and we will accomplish great things.  

The moment I was left alone on my pink kitchen after my friends and family help me celebrate its official opening. I knew it was built for greatness.

These moments, some I want to forget, made me the person I am today. I would not change them because I believe that there is always something to learn. I am thankful for the difficult times because they make the great times that much better. I can't wait to see what moments the future has for me.

Rest in Peace Ray

I have been wondering how I would feel about this moment when it came, and it finally did. Last night I found out that my Grandfather died after a long battle with cancer, and I don't know how I feel about it.

Loss is a terrible thing and grief can do strange things to someone. Not to trivialize his life, but I feel indifferent about his passing. I know that he enriched many lives, and I'm sure was a loving and caring person, but I never got the opportunity to know that for myself.

Growing up, I was always told that I wasn't missing out. He was not spoken highly of in our house. (To say the least) I always thought that was strange. Grandparents are supposed to be loving figures who care for you, give you treats, and who's houses smell like cookies. When I was in my early twenties, I went out East to meet him. It was the first time meeting him that I actually remember. Our last time in contact was when I was practically still in diapers. My parents had a falling out and closed off all contact. The visit was short, sweet and surreal. I had hoped that it would be the beginning of a new relationship, but I never heard from him after that. I know that I could have called. I guess I was afraid of the rejection. But at the same time, it's a two way street. It always boggled my mind that he would not want to at least get to know me a little.

I feel like I missed out on history. I don't know what he was like, what his proud moments were, what he was good at.... He never knew my kids, his great grand kids. He was the last remaining grandparent. I guess I am most sad about that. There is so much I never got to learn about him.

What makes this situation even more difficult is that I recently had a falling out with my parents. They have treated me in such a way that is nearly unforgivable. So what do I do now.....?

I spent a lifetime wondering who my grandparents were.  I can't do that to my kids, but I have to protect them and do what is right for me and my family. I only know that I will ensure not to project my feelings for my parents on to my kids. And when they are old enough to decide for themselves, they are more than welcomed to spend time with them. I can only hope that they will accept that when the time comes.

Happy New Year!

I don't usually get caught up in any big New Years parties, fresh starts, or setting New Years resolutions. I believe that you can have a clean slate and start fresh with a good attitude any time. It is however a good time to reflect and be thankful for what you have gone through, what you have learned and experienced in the past year.  I try to always focus on the positive.

This year was a year for crossing off items on my bucket list! I February, I danced in a burlesque show. I got on stage loud and proud and took advantage of every nerve racking moment. It was awesome! During the summer, friends took me kayaking for the very first time. Being scared of deep water, I was nervous about it, but had a really great time. I also got to go skinny dipping. Too much Gin and the summer air got to us all. I also got a new tattoo, the oak tree I always wanted, to symbolize the strength of family. Finally, I got to go to Disneyland at Christmas time! The lights and decorations were just like I imagined they would be. The magic in the air was even better than I remembered. And seeing such a wonderful crazy place through the eyes of my two boys was more than I expected.

This year was also a year for close friendships and strength. I grew more friendships this year than I have in my whole life combined. Together we ran races, put on awesome events, raised over $5000 for charity, got into great shape, contemplated running naked through the streets, climbed over buses and parked cars, earned medals, threw great parties, wore wedding dresses, watched two beautiful people get married, and supported each other in a way that I have never seen. This is what I am most proud of this year. Finding a group of women who don't judge, who have my back, and laugh at real things. We aren't afraid to be silly and we try not to take life too seriously. We are supportive and encouraging and always willing to help out.

Another great moment for me this year was when I decided to get serious about cupcakes and build my own commercial kitchen. It was scary, and still is, but also so rewarding and exciting. I have a great opportunity to make a living for my family on my own terms. I get to be creative at the job I love, everyday. My husband is also spending more time at home and less time working. A gift I will always cherish. Learning that wealth is not only measured by how much money you have is probably the lesson I am so thankful to have learned this year.

This year I am also learning that it's ok to let go. It's ok to let go of relationship, family, or friends. Life is too short to hang on to baggage, or to let people hurt you. Just because someone is family, doesn't mean they have a right to take away ANY of your sparkle. I feel so much freedom from discovering this.

Finally this year, we have gotten a new puppy! His name is Captain. After a long time wanting for a dog in my life, I finally convinced my husband! I now feel like our little family is complete. I didn't expect how much I would enjoy seeing the boys play with him, and want to take care of him.

Sometimes when I look back at my life, I am amazed by all the cool, super awesome, exciting things I have been able to do. I can't wait to see what is in store for me this year! It IS going to be a GREAT year!!

Apple Inc. makes me angry.

You want to know what I wish for this Christmas? I wish for quality, people to actually care about the products they make and sell, a world where you can buy something and it stand the test of time. Is that too much to ask?

This time last year, I bought an iPhone. Yes, I foolishly jumped on the bandwagon, paid my $650 and was on my way. With my two year cell contract I knew this new phone, the one that everyone is talking about, will last at least that long. People were talking about this phone like it was the best thing since sliced bread... and it was. I was able to download apps that helped me with meal plans and my kids could play games. (thus keeping them out of my hair) I could go out for dinner with friends, post the pictures of us being silly, check my e-mail, get business orders, and get the crazy call from my husband who couldn't find Austin's blankie... all at the same time. This is why I bought it. The simplicity of being able to rent a movie on the way home, and figure out what workout plan I would be doing that night from the push of a button. I bought into the idea that the iPhone was all I ever needed. All I could possibly want in life.

Let's fast forward to today. Did you know that in the last quarter, Apple Inc. sold 33.8 million iPhones. Let that sink in for a minute. Their net profit was $7.5 billion.... BILLION.

So here is little old me, a small town business owner, a mother, and a wife. A few weeks ago my glorious iPhone stopped working properly. In fact, the WIFI stopped working all together. The whole reason for the iPhone even existing in my books. I took it into the store where I got it from and they advised me that it was simply an operating system issue. Silly me didn't have the time to download the new software, and my finicky iPhone did not like that. So I went on my way. I didn't end up getting to it for over a week. Keep in mind, I have two small children, a business to run, a charity event for 200 people to pull off, and non-profit workout boot camp to run and ya know, showering and stuff. When I finally got to it, it turns out my WIFI still does not work. I took it in again. This time, I am told that it's not a software problem, "Your phone is toast." Um, OK... now what? Turns out I have to send it in to Apple for a replacement phone. And since your warranty expired a few days ago, it will cost you $199. <Insert minor freak out here!> There was nothing they could do for me.

Today I called Apple Inc. Surely they would be able to help me resolve this ridiculous issue. With me just starting a business, my husband just getting back to work after being off work for three months, and Christmas coming up, I just don't have $199 laying around. So I called then with the hope that they would be able to fix my beloved iPhone or at least give me a break on the $199.

First off, a company that has a quarterly net profit of $7.5 billion, should be able to hire a person who can clearly understand English. I am not a racist person, but I literally had to spell out everything, and say everything twice. It was painful for me to have to spell my name three times, then hear him try and say it....Rachel. Easy. I spent one hour on the phone with this man, trying to explain my situation. He finally had to get the manager on the phone. After explaining again to him, he said "Oh, no that's not good." I asked him if there was anything he could do and his response was, "You really should have gotten the extended warranty." Are you kidding me?! You can't sell a product that will last for more than one year?! I paid $650 for this phone. That's a mortgage payment! And now you want me to spend another $199 to get it to work? (Why don't you bend me over and spank my ass while you are at it!) You probably want to sell me the "extended warranty" too I bet. I'm sure this new phone/refurbished phone does not come with a warranty. I proceeded to tell this man that I could not afford that, and I am so upset by this outcome that I will never be buying another Apple product. I will not buy my two kids iPhones or iPads, I will no longer be spending money on Apps, or iTunes songs, movie rentals or eBooks, and my husband will sure as hell no be buying an iPhone. And when my business grows and I need to expand, I will not be buying Apple computers. And I sure as hell won't be telling my friends to buy into the iPhone ideal. I understand that times are tough, and $7.5 billion in sales (for the past QUARTER) is not that much. I also understand that losing me as a customer is not that big of a deal. The money I would have spent over my lifetime as an Apple customer is just a drop in the bucket. But I am sure I am not the only customer who feels violated by this company.

I know things are not going to change overnight. But I have hope that one day, people will care about the products they sell, and the customers they have. Cheers Apple, Happy F-ing Holidays!  

Family

I don't normally get too worked up or stressed out. I try not to sweat the small stuff and I usually just let it go. I don't hold on to grudges and I am willing to forgive and forget. And if I can't work something out, I write about it and forget it. This time, I don't even know where to start....

Someone close to me has betrayed me. A betrayal that is unforgivable and has been haunting me. It's not at all like me to cut ties with someone, but when you threaten my family, I will not get over that. A lifetime of questions have arrised, I wonder what I missed or am yet to find out. It has been eating me alive. I don't know what is bothering me more, the deed that has already been done or the imminent fallout to come. At first, I was raging mad, then I was angry, indifferent, sad, and guilty. Now I can't sleep, and when I do, I dream about it. The stress is coming out in physical ways, like a cold, pulled muscle and a pinch in my shoulder. I think it's time I learn to meditate!

If someone you knew made you feel like this, would you keep them in your life? I feel the need to protect my kids and my husband. If that means forgoing one relationship, I will. People have told me that I have to find a way to live peacefully with this person. Why? Life is too short, and I know that more than anyone. My men are the most important thing to me. But not only that, what about my sanity... Do I want to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells, worrying about they might do, or what they are telling my kids?  Why do I need to swallow it down and move on?

And the answer is, I don't. I did not make the bad decisions that resulted in this outcome. It will take me a while to get over it, and in fact I may never get over it. But one day I will be glad I made this decision. My husband is the best person for me. He will always be on my side, protect me and love me...unconditionally. And the same goes for my two boys. They are all I need in this world. <3

A mothers frustration

When I decided to have kids, I didn't really think about it. I didn't think about loosing out on all that sleep, or how my body would be forever changed, or how my brain would be re-wired. All of these things were a rude awakening for me. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for every dead-tired, loud and messy moment. My kids are a beautifully perfect version of my husband and I.  I have had to learn to be a better person, to have more patience, and know that it's not about me any more. There are a lot of things that are different. But I think the hardest reality for me (and most mom's out there) is most people's expectation that they have carte blanche when it comes to giving you advise on how to raise your kids.

I am not perfect, and I will be the first one to tell you that. I struggle with life in general all the time. I hate it when I yell at my kids. But we all do it. I feel enough guilt for ten people, you don't need to add to it, thanks. I try hard to make the right choices for my family, and they are MY choices. Whether they are right or wrong, they are the choices that I have to live with. I am so tired of women judging other women, especially mom's. Mom's have the hardest job on the planet. We carry the weight of the world, we have bad days. Get over it! I am tired to people telling me how I should act, how I should discipline my child, how I should not let my kids have fun.


I understand that some people will see me at my worst moment and be compelled to judge me. But that is one moment. One moment out of the millions I will spend with my family. So if you feel so bothered my actions as a mother, keep it to yourself. And know this; I love my boys more than life itself. They mean the world to me. I am so thankful for their twenty little toes, their amazing personalities and their love. I am their guardian and protector. So next time you see a woman yelling at her kids to get in the car, or talking to them in a tone that doesn't agree with you, remember this: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all."

Confessions

Confessions. Sometimes it just feels good. I also like to do it because I know there are others out there who have done the same things. It's nice not to feel alone.

Here they are in no particular order:

• I once ate my child's entire advent calendar...before I even gave it to him.
• I ate a whole large pizza to myself.
• I will google a word probably three times a day, and will sometimes change my entire sentence to avoid a word I can't spell.
• I love the smell of arm pits. Especially a man's after a hard days work. 
• I also love the smell of cute little baby feet. (I know, I am totally weird)
• I sneak into my kids room at night just to look at how big they are getting.
• I want more babies, but I am scared that if I do, I wont be a good enough mom to them all. 
• I wish I was cooler and had a better sense of style.
• It bothers me that certain people in my life don't support me. They won't even read this...
• I have a secret desire to be pulled over by a cop and try to talk myself out of a ticket.
• When I lay in bed, sometimes I like to hold my hand on my boob...I don't know why.
• I never worry about what people think of me, but sometimes I think I should.
• I wish I could say what I really feel sometimes....
• I like to eat ice cream in the tub.
• Sometimes my son will act to much like me, that it makes me mad at him.
• I wish I would have gone to school to be a fashion designer.
• I once made a whole tray of puffed wheat squares and hid it in my underwear drawer... Ate it within a day. 
• I have wanted breast implants ever since high school.
• I kissed a girl and I liked it.
• I don't drink. But sometimes I think I should!
• I wish I was more of a perfectionist.
• I once got so high that I feel off my chair at the dinner table...after eating the topping off an ice cream cake. I was 18.
• I think I am sexier than I actually am.
• I am so terrible at math.
• I think my husband is sexy, even in his blue long johns with white socks pulled over them.
• I had to google "long johns"
• I never got over my sister moving out. I miss her a lot. 
• It's been 13 years since my dog died. I want another one, but I still don't think I'm ready. I miss him.
• I cherish my friends. They get me through, and keep me going. 
• The Booty Camp Girls saved my life, gave me purpose and keep me fit. I owe them everything.
• I have had to bury cupcakes in the garbage, under something gross, so I won't go back and dig them out.  
• I also had to google "gross".