Goodbye

       Grief can do many things. When someone we care about passes, it's the last thing we think about at night and the first thing on your mind in the morning. Their voice repeats over in your head, you remember all the good times, you laugh, you cry and you wish for one last moment. One last time together to make sure they know how much you mean to them. One moment to hug them, care for them, and let them know they are truly loved. My memories of my Aunt Ruth were only good ones. She was the one who taught me what it is to be a great hostess. She always had every detail taken care of and at Christmas, she always had the best oranges. (And let me have as many as I wanted, no matter what my mom would say.) She was the one who helped me discover a true love for Holiday baking. I remember the piles of goodies when we would visit for Christmas. I remember making chocolates and being so excited to make something so delicious with my own two little hands, no matter how ridiculous they looked. I remember going to the lake and staying up late by the fire, eating bacon and listening to country music.  When she came to visit, I remember waiting on the front deck, filled with such anticipation, to hear her come rumbling down the dirt road.  These are some of my happiest childhood memories.

       Ruth was an amazing person. She never complained, was always helpful and generous. She never put her needs before anyone. She always took the time to make sure you had what you needed and genuinely cared. Her voice and laugh were one of a kind, and will always be heard. She was the ultimate caregiver and was always willing to help with whatever job needed to be done.

       When someone dies, it is so hard to take because it is so final. How do you say goodbye to someone to left us too early? They say that when you die your energy lives on. I believe that. I believe that the best for her is yet to come, because she deserves to live on as a Queen. She will live on in the spring flowers, unexpected rainbows and morning sunlight. Her energy is all around us and will live on forever. And even though her body is no longer with us, her laugh and caring spirit will always be.

I don't care any more.

The older I get, the less I care about things.

I don't care that the kitchen is a mess. I don't care that a parcel I was supposed to mail 10 days ago, is still sitting on the table. I don't care that my son put rainbow stickers on my wall, took them off (leaving missing paint blobs) and put them back on again. I don't care that there is laundry in the washer since Monday (it's not wet so it should be ok) or that there is still a basket of clean laundry in my room....and the boys rooms. I don't care that I can't run very fast, and I don't care that there is a giant ass behind me. I don't care that my thighs will never fit into a size 6 or that I may never have abs that you can see. They are there, trust me! I don't care that I can't buy the latest i-phone, or go out for dinner once a week. I don't care that my kid screamed at me today. I don't care about the phone bill or the hydro bill. (But I do find it funny that my husband JUST gave me shit for leaving the lights on.) I don't care that I have to eat more beans instead of steak. I don't care that part of my family may never speak to me again.


It may sound harsh, but I just don't care any more. If I did, I would be missing out on all these amazing things that I really should care about.

Sure my kitchen is a mess, but that just means there were three great meals cooked there today, and my family has full bellies. The parcel will get mailed, no use stressing over something so silly. I cherish the marks on the walls, because they will always be a reminder of the little people...who as it turns out, are turning into big people right before my eyes. The laundry will wait, I am thankful to have so many clothes that it can be stacked into piles. I am grateful for the body I have and I work hard to keep it so amazing. Just because I am not a size 6, does not mean it is not beautiful. I am healthy, I CAN run, and that's all that matters. I care about the time I get to spend this summer as a family. My husband is home more and gets to watch our kids grow up. We get to sleep in on Monday's, take naps on Tuesday's and have meals together, every day of the week. That is worth more to me. I don't care that my kid screamed at me, because with every scream, there is an equally powerful hug. My boys are happy and healthy. They can tell me they love me, and even though some days I want to pull my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs, I am grateful for every peanut butter in the hair, clothes on backwards moment. There will always be bills and groceries will always need to be purchased. I am glad I am able to eat and put food on the table. I believe that family is what you make it. Blood isn't everything. I am so grateful for the family I have built around me. I know that my friends got my back, whether its a late night chocolate bar, a laugh, confirmation that I am doing the right things, to run beside me or just to be there.  

Happiness is...

Happiness is....

It is a sip of warm coffee, alone in the truck just after I drop both kids off at school. With only the sounds of the rain and my slow breath to keep me company.

It is a tired dog asleep on the couch, with one paw dangling off.

It is the way my son calls the game of "Trouble", the "Scare your cares away" game. I don't know where he got that from.

It is the sound of the dishwasher. Because it is the only thing I can hear right now.

It is the feeling of the hot deck underneath my back as I lay in the sunshine, eyes closed.

It is the cool breeze through my hair as I run with the dog.

It is the funny stories of my husband as a teenager. Like eating three dinners in one night.

It is the tiny feet in my face at 3am.

It is the taste of a gluten free cupcake.

It is knowing I can give people something.

It is learning that friends feel the same way you do. I am not crazy!

It is the people I laugh with who are not my "family", but my true family.

It is his strong man hands resting on my arm or leg when we watch tv.

It is ideas! Ideas of creativity and success.

It is the first sip of coffee in the morning.

It is the sound of belly laughs when my youngest is being tickled.

It is seeing my post baby belly in the mirror and being ok with it.

It is holding a plank for 2 minutes.

It is the photos that line my desk of friends and family that I hardly ever get to see and miss every day.

It is letting go.

It is sore muscles the morning after a good workout.

It is his bottom lip.

It is the way my sons ask for a smooshy.

It is pink toenails on little boys.

It is clean sheets.

It is a full fridge.

It is medals that are hanging in my bathroom. A constant reminder of what I CAN do.

It is a fresh cold orange.

Happiness is simple.

Epic Birthday Party

       When I was growing up, Birthdays were always very special. It was a big deal, we ate what we wanted, and got special treatment. The last few birthday's have been fun, the usual party with friends and family. But it has been a very long time since I had a really awesome birthday, worthy of blogging about. This year, I decided a few months ago, that this would be my year! We made a million different plans, from going to the Burlesque Festival to the Luke Bryan concert. This is what ended up happening....

       Since most of our friends had other plans and we couldn't get Luke Bryan tickets (without paying an arm and a leg) Eli and I decided that we were going to Vancouver to meet our other friend Caitlyn and just see what trouble we could get into. Both of us were counting down the seconds, anxiously watching the clock until we could take the peaceful drive to the ferry to begin our 24 hour escape, without kids and husbands. Once we got on that ferry was when we were able to really relax. There was no turning back now!! So with our big backpacks full of fancy clothes, tequila, juice and anything else we might need, we grabbed the bus in Vancouver and headed to Park Royal. Oh, and we also took turns carrying the box of cake I had made that morning. (There was no way I trusted anyone else to make my birthday cake, and I WAS going to eat cake on my birthday!) We ended up hitting three stores, eat lunch at Whole Foods, took two separate busses, and walked about three blocks to make it to Caitlyn's place. The cake was mostly intact...mostly.

       After a little rest, we decided to go out for dinner, Poncho's, a local Mexican restaurant. Both the food and margaritas were equally delicious. At the end of dinner the entire staff came out with a cake and sparklers, singing Happy Birthday. We all (including me.) thought 'aww, it's someones birthday!' Then we realized it was for me! I was grateful and surprised by the gesture, however I couldn't eat the cake because of my wheat allergy. Eli was worried that she would have to eat the entire piece of cake by herself. The three of us managed to make that cake disappear in record time.

       Next, we took a cab to the Burlesque Festival, since we were able to get last minute tickets. (But not before heading to the dollar store to deck me out in a rainbow feather boa and a birthday princess tiara) By far, the best cab ride EVER. We got to talking about how HOT Luke Bryan is (obviously) and his response was: "Why do you want Luke Bryan? I am the hottest guy on the planet!" I don't what was more funny. This middle aged mans comb-over, his comment, or his ridiculous laugh. Whatever it was, it got us all giggling. He kept this on the entire ten minute drive, weaving in and out of traffic, narrowly missing at least one pedestrian. At one point, Eli even had a man offer her his nuts from the side of the road. Granted he was selling them legitimately from his "Roasted Chestnuts" food cart.

       When we got to the Burlesque Festival, right on time,we had quite a bit of fun taking in all the crazy outfits, and there were more boobies than you could shake a stick at! We were ready! The lights went dim, our excitement grew and guess what the opening act was?! A metal band? YEP! We were laughing so hard, we could hardly contain it! It wasn't long though, before the mostly naked ladies came out. And ohhh boy, did I get some great ideas for next years Boudoir Rouge!! I think that Eli's reaction to the final act was the best part of the show. This was when a very muscular and sexy black man came out, danced down to nothing but glitter pasties on his nipples and a glitter sock cover his penis, which was flailing about quite vigorously.

       Our next plan was to meet up with another friend and go dancing!! YES, dancing!! We met up at the Roxy and danced to some pretty great tunes from the cover band. The songs were awesome and the company was even better. Eli got hit on by what looked to be a 13 year old, and all of us got attempted lap danced from drunk men at one point or another. We ended up back at Caitlyn's by 1am, ate a large amount of birthday cake and passed out.

       The next morning was probably the best morning we both had in a very long time. We slept in, in a dark and QUIET place, until 10am!! 10am! And not only did we not rush to get out of bed, we got cake and ate it in bed. It was so amazing to lay in bed in peace, get up when we wanted, and not have to answer a million questions or fulfil any demands from little people. Don't get me wrong, I love my little family, but this morning was like winning the lottery! When we finally did get out of bed, we enjoyed a walk in the fresh air and had a huge breakfast. It wasn't long before we realized that we should get going and start our trip back for the 3:30 ferry. We knew we were really pushing it by catching the 3:30 ferry, instead of the 1:30, so we (leisurely)  walked down from Caitlyn's to catch the bus downtown to Horseshoe Bay. Once at the bus stop, under cover from the light rain, we realized that traffic was at a standstill. The bus to get us to the ferry had already rushed past, full. After about 15 minutes of waiting, we found out that there had been an accident on the bridge, which explained why the traffic was not moving. We knew our husbands would kill us if we didn't make the ferry. What were two girls to do? So in true Booty Camp Girl style, we ran across the Lions Gate Bridge to Park Royal. Thats right. In lasts nights jeans, my Converse high-tops, and our loaded backpacks, we set out to run to the mall, then catch a cab to the ferry, all in hopes that we make the 3:30 ferry. I am pretty sure that it was about five minutes into it, that it started to pour down rain. It was raining so hard that water was sloshing in my shoes. My mascara made lines down my face, and my shirt was soaked through within the first fifteen minutes. It was awesome! I had always wanted to run across the bridge. We made it to Park Royal within 40 minutes, hopped into a cab and made it to the ferry in record time! We hit the washroom to change into some of our dry clothes, where Eli was able to look put together and fabulous in about three minutes, while I had a love affair with the hot air dryer. I tried to brush out my Diana Ross inspired rats nest, but upon hearing Eli yell "Put it back!" I threw it back up in a messy bun. The ferry ride home was long and cold.

        I wanted this birthday to be an amazing and epic adventure and it was more than I could have ever hoped for. Thank you Eli for being my partner in crime, Caitlyn for letting us crash your place and taking us to the best restaurants, and Carleen for finding the perfect place to dance like I was 19 again. I truly have the best friends a girl could ever ask for. Thank you!

Barbells of wisdom.

     For the past two years I have been working out and changing my lifestyle. I work out at least twice a week, EVERY week. I have gone from a size 16 to a size 10, lost about 30lbs and learned a shit-load about what it means to be healthy. It has been an eye opening experience for me, lots of ups and downs, lots of crying, lots of moments where I thought I would quite, and lots of victories. I would like to share with you, some tips and insight into this crazy journey and what it was for me. I know a lot of you are just starting out, just trying to get healthy.  I hope this post can help keep you focused on your goal, and help you realize that a lot of people are going through the same crap that you are. So, in no particular order, here are the top things I learned while losing weight.

* Get a partner....or two, three, four.... Be accountable! Find a group of women who know you, have the same fitness and lifestyle goals, and make a plan. Set some goals together and be accountable to each other. Show up for workouts and if someone doesn't make it, call and harass them! (And hope they do the same for you) There is no hope in hell that I would have ever made it this far without the amazing group of women I have around me.

* Say goodbye to whatever boobs you may have. They will be the first to go! 

* Abs are made in the kitchen! Believe me, I have a solid six-pack under that layer of fat, and all the working out in the world is not going to show them off. You have to change your diet AND exercise. It doesn't have to be extreme, make little changes every day. Add more fruits and veggies, drink more water, watch your portions. You will get there. 

* There is no magic pill! If you want to lose weight and keep it off, the only solution is hard work. Don't buy in to the diet pills, the hormone supplements, protein drinks, magic shakes or wonder drinks. Everything you need to lose weight and get healthy can be found in the produce aisle of your grocery store. 

* Celebrate every victory and keep track of all of it! You ran your first lap around the track without stopping? Write it down and don't be afraid to celebrate it! Sure there are lots of people who can do that... but there are also a lot of people who can't. You just became part of the group of people who CAN!

* Never, EVER compare yourself to someone else. This is true for most areas of your life! You cannot compare how fast you run to someone else who has been running forever. Even if you do the same training, some people are just faster. You have to be proud that you are even running! Some people are good at running, some people are good at squats. You will find what you are good at and you will rock the shit out of it!

* Throw out your scale and measure yourself!!! Take pictures too, naked ones! (Or close to it) Its really hard to see weight loss on yourself, but if you have pictures and measurements, they cannot lie! I went from a size 16 to a size 12 without losing a single pound. And nothing ever happens overnight. 

* Whatever fitness and lifestyle goals you set, add FOREVER to the end of it. A wise man once told me. (Thank you Nick for all that you do! We love you!!) I want to be able to run a 5km without stopping or wanting to die....forever! YES! I want to be able to avoid all cookies and cakes and any form of sugar....forever?? Set standards and goals that you can live with....FOREVER! 

* LIFT WEIGHTS! Do not be afraid to lift weight, you will not turn into a bulging muscle head. You will look leaner, feel stronger and burn fat as you sleep.  

* Eating healthy is not complicated. Although it may seem that way because there is soooo much information out there, its hard to know what to trust. Its simple. Add more veggies, eat proteins after a workout to rebuild your muscles, drink lots of water and never skip a meal. 

* There are no failures. You might slow down, you might take a break, you might eat 12 mini cupcakes in one day or eat your child entire advent calendar . As long as you dust yourself off and get back up, you did not fail.  

     I always expected that I would work hard to lose weight, then stop once I reached the goal. This is so far from the reality. The changes I have made are with me forever. I will live longer and stronger because of the changes I have made. Its not easy, but nothing worth having ever is. Yes its hard work, but you know whats harder? Looking the mirror every day and being sad about how I look. There were so many days that I stood in front of that mirror and wished so hard that I would find the energy to change. Now that I have, I can look in the mirror and be proud. Sure there are still things I want to change, but now I can do that with my head held high. 

Moments

I believe that life is just a series of moments. Important moments are the ones that change your life in a second and shape your life into the one that was designed for you. Yes, you make choices, and I believe that what you  do with the life changing moments is what makes your life great. (If you let it)

There are many moments that I distinctly remember, that changed my life. Some were amazing and some were absolutely horrifying, but I wouldn't change a thing, because it brought me to where I am today.

The moment I realized I could be creative changed my life. I remember sitting on the couch with my mom and sister. I was 5 or 6. She was teaching me how to embroider shapes on a piece of fabric. I remember being so excited about picking out the colors and creating something with my own tiny hands.

The moment I stepped onto the stage for my first dance recital. I was terrified and exhilarated. I knew that I was meant to be there. Dance has and always will be a part of me.

The moment I watched my sister walk off the bus behind me after it was smashed by a fully loaded cement truck. I realized at that moment what my sister meant to me. The worry and fear that I felt for her was overwhelming. I knew then that we were each others protectors.

The moment I was crying in a hotel room, terrified to take a leap of faith. The next day I was scheduled to write the test that would certify me as a Subway Restaurant owner. The decision to let go and jump into the unknown, despite my feelings and insecurities, changed my life.

The moment I meant my husband to be. He literally asked me to marry him on the sport. Oh course I laughed and walked away, but as fate would have it, we married a few years later.

The moment I realized my life would never be the same. I was laying in bed with my husband in the beginning stages of labour with my first child. We were so tired and I we wanted to do was sleep. I wished that I could stop time and lay with him for a few more hours... just the two of us.

The second that I realized my husband was stuck under a 60 000lbs boat. I didn't know if he was dead or alive. That was the scariest moment of my life, and still two years later, I panic when he doesn't answer his cell phone or come home on time. And even though it was the toughest thing we have ever gone through, it make us stronger, and I am thankful for every moment more I get to spend with him.

The first time my son laughed.  It was the hearty belly laugh that lights up a room. I knew I had made the right decision, despite my feelings of defeat, exhaustion and confusion.

The moment I walked away from a relationship that was damaging to me and my family. I decided I would be in control of my life and my feelings. I still don't regret it, and remember the weight being lifted off as I walked out the door.

The moment I realized that it was ok to fail. There would be better opportunities and more chances to succeed.

The moment I peeked out of the curtains to see almost 200 people looking back at me. It was just seconds before I walked on stage to dance in the first Boudoir Rouge. I knew that we had accomplished something great and was so proud of my team and my ability to make my vision a reality.

The moment I finished a workout with a friend that would change my life. It was from that moment on that we decided that getting healthy was a choice we were going to make from now on.

The moment "Booty Girls"came out of Arthur's mouth. From then on, my workout friends and I were more than just that. We were a team, a group of amazing women and we will accomplish great things.  

The moment I was left alone on my pink kitchen after my friends and family help me celebrate its official opening. I knew it was built for greatness.

These moments, some I want to forget, made me the person I am today. I would not change them because I believe that there is always something to learn. I am thankful for the difficult times because they make the great times that much better. I can't wait to see what moments the future has for me.

Rest in Peace Ray

I have been wondering how I would feel about this moment when it came, and it finally did. Last night I found out that my Grandfather died after a long battle with cancer, and I don't know how I feel about it.

Loss is a terrible thing and grief can do strange things to someone. Not to trivialize his life, but I feel indifferent about his passing. I know that he enriched many lives, and I'm sure was a loving and caring person, but I never got the opportunity to know that for myself.

Growing up, I was always told that I wasn't missing out. He was not spoken highly of in our house. (To say the least) I always thought that was strange. Grandparents are supposed to be loving figures who care for you, give you treats, and who's houses smell like cookies. When I was in my early twenties, I went out East to meet him. It was the first time meeting him that I actually remember. Our last time in contact was when I was practically still in diapers. My parents had a falling out and closed off all contact. The visit was short, sweet and surreal. I had hoped that it would be the beginning of a new relationship, but I never heard from him after that. I know that I could have called. I guess I was afraid of the rejection. But at the same time, it's a two way street. It always boggled my mind that he would not want to at least get to know me a little.

I feel like I missed out on history. I don't know what he was like, what his proud moments were, what he was good at.... He never knew my kids, his great grand kids. He was the last remaining grandparent. I guess I am most sad about that. There is so much I never got to learn about him.

What makes this situation even more difficult is that I recently had a falling out with my parents. They have treated me in such a way that is nearly unforgivable. So what do I do now.....?

I spent a lifetime wondering who my grandparents were.  I can't do that to my kids, but I have to protect them and do what is right for me and my family. I only know that I will ensure not to project my feelings for my parents on to my kids. And when they are old enough to decide for themselves, they are more than welcomed to spend time with them. I can only hope that they will accept that when the time comes.