Seeing clearly.

 6 years ago I was a busy business owner, kid-less, and three days away from marrying the man of my dreams. My life was manageable, successful, and clear. My hard work was payed off with a bigger paycheck and I thought I had things figured out.

Fast forward to today, no longer a business owner, still married, and now with two boys, ages 3 and 5. For the past few years I have been struggling to adjust to my role as a "mom". I mean, lets face it. Who wants to work at a job where there is not real pay, the boss is noisy and whines all the time, throws tantrums at any given moment and pees in your bed??  It was very hard for me to go from business woman who was known in the community, to mommy. And every since my first born was old enough to crawl, I have been grasping at straws to get back to that. I needed to find success again. I worked for countless hours on plans do it. I would try something, and when that didn't work, I would try something else. I was too busy to realize that what I was doing, being a mom, is pretty amazing in itself. Again I was too focused on the goal to appreciate the journey. But today I have realized something and have changed the definition of success. Although choosing to raise a family is not everyone's choice, it was my choice. For now anyway, I am not that woman who wears heels to work, or drives a nice car, (or even a clean car for that matter) I don't own flashy things, I don't get sales awards, and I don't get to live a carefree lifestyle. But as my kids get older, they teach me more about life, and that is something that is hard to learn from just any job. They are teaching me to be patient, content, and I am learning the real value of life. The value of a warm bed and cute little voices in the morning, the value of the love I feel at the end of a hard day, stepping on a LEGO is ok because it means my kids are playing, and knowing that no matter what, this little family loves me. I am so grateful to have them in my life, today more than ever. There is no other person in the world who knows me like my husband does and I think that's pretty cool. We have made a home for ourselves and I somehow failed to recognize that as a job well done. Together we have made so many decisions about the kids and life in general, and have not once come close to killing each other. And even though there are no awards for that (sometimes there should be) I can appreciate the accomplishment.

So for now, I may be giving up dreams or just putting them on hold, only to realize new ones.

Re-wired

I fully believe that becoming a mother somehow changed the wiring in my brain forever.  When my first screaming bundle of joy came shooting out of my not so privates, he somehow took parts of my brain with him. The very minute you become a mother, your life changes forever. For me that moment was when I held my son in my arms. (Even typing this, five years later, it still sounds weird....my son...) You are now responsible for a human being...in every way. You start to look at things differently, you act differently, you even talk differently. Here are some of the main examples of how life as I knew it was different.

1) Everything was dangerous. Is that bottle too hot? Your hands have germs, bleach them. The sun is out, I need SPF 50, a hat, sunglasses, and umbrella, and a sun suit. You buckle them in, check it twice, and everyone is driving too fast. You will stop at every corner to make sure they haven't choked, check on them in the night to make sure they are still breathing, even wake them up to make sure they are still alive. The world becomes a wild jungle of death!

2) Sleep becomes the holy grail. I sometimes find myself wishing it was Saturday...on a Monday, just because I know there is a slight chance that I will get to sleep in. I often wake up in the morning and can't wait for bedtime, just so I can go back to bed. And don't even think about catching a little cat nap while your kids are quietly watching a movie. They have some kind of radar that lets them know the exact moment you are asleep so they can raid the pantry and pour a box of baking soda on your living room floor. Full night sleeps don't exist....ever.

3) Simple tasks become increasingly difficult. Like math, or any logic, really.  I don't even bother to do the banking anymore. "Just add GST to the price." They say, like it's no big deal. Or "Whats 12 times 3?" QUIT HARASSING ME!

4) Grocery shopping becomes more fun, because I get to plan the meals. Extra grocery money for the week is even more exciting and grocery shopping on my own....there are no words that can explain the thrill of grocery shopping without a screaming child, strange looks from passerby's, or someone pulling everything and anything into the cart.

5) Things that never mattered before get you over the moon with delight now. Like a hot shower, or a hot meal. New socks and underwear, two hours of sleep without someone crying, coffee, a clean load of laundry, or even a new scent of dish soap. A cupcake and a cup of coffee in a quiet house at 7am is like winning the lottery.

6) You care less and less about personal hygiene. There are so many times I have left the house thinking, I really should wash my hair.... Or those times when you catch a glimpse of yourself in a reflection and think, did I really leave the house like that?! I started growing my hair long just so I don't have to go get it cut all the time, and it's much easier to throw in a ponytail for those mornings when I don't have time to brush it. Which, lets face it, is every morning.

I am sure there are more examples, but my now tiny brain can't remember them. Even though my life may seem like a total train wreck, I love my boys and my little family with all my heart. The little "I love you" in their tiny voices seem to make up for all the craziness, poop, and sleepless nights.

It's all about the journey

One year ago, I set out to lose 30lbs. That was my goal, and I was determined to accomplish it. I grabbed a friend of mine and we began working out. It started by us going to the gym together a couple days a week, then gradually increased. We decided that if we wanted drastic results, we needed to do drastic things. One day I planned a mini boot camp for us to do. She cursed me the entire time and we hardly made it through the workout. That was the beginning of one of the most amazing things that have every happened in my life.

Although I am not even close to my goal, I am realizing more and more that it's not reaching the goal that matters, it's the journey.  From that one boot camp, we decided to do it twice a week. Tuesday and Thursday was our night to shine. It didn't take long for friends to notice that we were losing weight and wondered what it was we were up to. Before long, our group of two turned into a group of fifteen. These amazing women have given me more than they will ever know.  I feel like we have a connection that no one can break. Each of them will hold a special place in my heart. We were almost are in the same boat, struggling to fit in to our jeans, unhappy with our self image, shy, and unhealthy. Over the past year we have been able to give each other confidence, support and love, not to mention, we ARE BRINGING SEXY BACK, BITCHES! These women have given me confidence that is unmeasurable. They made it possible for me to live out my bucket list fantasy and dance in a burlesque show, they made it possible for me to buy a small sized dress...and wear it! I have made new friends, life long friends, and we continue to create bonds together. I went from having a few close friends, to a team of women who have got my back! We are a force to be reckoned with!

Yes, goals are important. For me, a life without goals doesn't even make sense. But the journey you take to reach your goals is far more important. So instead of getting caught up in "getting to the finish line", take a minute and realize the amazing things you are doing right now, celebrate the small victories and thank the people along the way who help you get there.

Endless thank yous go out to my Booty Camp Girls. Can't imagine life without you.

College for me was a great time in my life. I discovered and experienced so many things. Not just on the academic level, but personally as well.  I discovered about love and heartbreak, budgeting, how to add flair to rice and beans, how to kiss a girl, and most importantly, how to deal with drunk college kids. They are your friends, your classmates, you love and hate them at the same time.

Lets fast forward now. I have two boys, ages 5 and 3. They are the loves of my life, but they are in many ways, a lot like drunk college kids. Here are my top 5 reasons why toddlers and drunk college kids are one in the same:

1: When toddlers get tired, then need to sleep....right now! There is no going home and getting into bed. They will drop to the floor of the grocery store and demand to sleep there. Or just drop their head on their happy meal and catch a few zzzzzzz's.  When I was in college I had a friend, we'll call her Janice. (you know who you are :)) She would get so drunk that she would just find a chair at the bar and pass out. We once got thrown out, and while we were waiting for our ride, she fell asleep on the curb.

2: They never let you get anything done! They are constantly asking what you are doing, when will the fun stuff start, and how come you are so boring? They always need to be doing something to keep them busy, and you have to be the one to find that something.

3:As soon as you get on the phone, they want to know who you are talking to, what you are talking about and they don't let you get a second of peace. The second that my kids hear me talking on the phone, they come in to bug me. And nine times out of ten, they beg to talk to whoever it is on the other end.

4: They will eat anything, doesn't matter how late it is. This may not be true for all toddlers, but it is true for my boys. It can be 3 in the afternoon or 8 at night, they request the weirdest food.

5: Puke. They will puke in your car, you laundry, you bed, your shoes, your tub, your couch, you name it. And somehow I am always left cleaning it up.

Apology

Apology: a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured, or wronged another.

Here are some of mine, in no particular order:

• I would like a apologize to my uterus.  I would imagine that it is so angry because it was forced housed not one, but two kicking and feeding parasites within three years.  Since then, things between us have never been the same.
• I would like to apologize to my husband for blaming him for the missing M&M's my son got for his birthday.  I had inhaled them the night before and when he stood in front of me, wide-eyed, looking for answers, "Daddy did it." just came blurting out.
• I would like to apologize to my former "thin" self, for ever thinking I was fat. This is fat...and that's not even saying much, since I have slimmed down a lot. 
• I would like to apologize to all my friends in high school for always being the nerdy/cautious/paranoid one. 
• I would like to apologize to my boobs. I did not appreciate them when I had them, and now someone has taken them and replaced them with something that sort of looks like boobs, but are really pancakes. 
• I would like to apologize to my sister for always bribing her to do things, with no intention of fulfilling my obligation.
• I would like to apologize to my first born for never letting him do anything fun as an infant for fear that he might die. 
• I would like to apologize to anyone who has witnessed my hormones on overdrive. This covers a lot of people, especially since I was pregnant... twice. 
• I would like to apologize to my parents for having to move back in with them when I was 24.
• I would like to apologize in advance to my kids, for yelling at them, grounding them, stalking them, reading text messages from girls, and all around harassment and/or embarrassment. 

I need answers!

In an effort to get a jump start on my Super Awesome Summer to do list, I decided to clean out my kitchen cupboards. Not the most exciting thing on the list, but I figured I should get the boring crap out of the way.

Can someone please explain to me why one might own 3 different types of measuring cups, or 11 large to medium mixing bowls?! I also cleared out a number of extra serving dishes, baking pans, cookbooks, several random utensils, place mats, 4 popcorn bowls and a blender. (apparently I had two) It really got me thinking....why do we have so much stuff?? Where does this need come from? It seems I'm not the only one either. Most of us have an abundance of "stuff". And it doesn't stop in my kitchen! You should see my closet, the kids rooms, the bathroom. Don't even get me started on the craft room! Sometimes I feel like getting rid of everything and living a totally minimalist lifestyle, but my husband would never go for it! If you have ever seen an episode of "Hoarders", you would understand. Him and his mom both, are a few egg cartons away from being on the show.  And does anyone else have that special little corner filled the things that were given as a gift, but you either have no use for it or just don't like it? I have this weird guilt about getting rid of things that were gifts. Like as if one day the gift givers are going to come over and say, "Hey, remember that sweater I gave you two years ago, do you still have it? I would love to see it on you."

And while we are on the subject of unanswered questions, can someone please explain to my why it takes a 4 year old girl one hour to eat a rice cracker?! I have had the pleasure of babysitting my friends 4 year old daughter while she took off to Vegas with her hubby.  I have two little boys, and let me tell you, they are NOT the same! Yes, my boys are crazy. And yes, they will jump off the top of the slide at the pool. But never in a million years would they sit in front of me for a half hour asking a hundred questions about what I am doing, why I am doing it, or "where do cows come from?" Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying doing her hair, and playing dress up, but it made me really appreciate my little men, and all the craziness they bring to my life.

The Super Awesome Summer to do list!

As I sit here on this beautiful Tuesday morning, sipping my coffee, listening to two little boys fight over a marshmallow gun, (not my idea!) it occurred to me that I have done a whole lot of nothing for the past month. So I made a list, the "Super Awesome Summer to do list".  Follow me this summer as I brave into uncharted territory, learn new things, and have a lot of fun!

SUPER AWESOME SUMMER TO DO LIST: (in no particular order)

1. plant a flower garden
2. have a family picnic
3. make wax paper stained glass
4. get a wicked tan
5. clean out my kitchen cupboards (not really awesome, but i really NEED to do it!)
6. try 50 new recipes
7. plant potatoes
8. make an awesome chalkboard for my kitchen
9. make masks with the boys
10. make and decorate cardboard houses
11. paint my craft room door. A door that leads to such awesomeness cannot be left white!
12. make slime
13. have a fun photo shoot with the boys
14. start on Christmas gifts
15. have a salt dough day
16. make a sprinkler system out of pvc pipes
17. have a water gun fight
18. make fruit snacks
19. make shoes...probably more like slippers
20. finish last years scrapbook
21. start my achievements book
22. learn something new
23. go camping
24. paint my bike! dirty orange just wont do!
25. read a book
26. have a girls spa day
27. have a boudoir photo shoot
28. do the 30 day photography challenge. (thank you Pinterest)
29. make a new friend
30. paint a canvas
31. take a photoshop course
32. go on 20 spectacular dates (either with my husband or my two fantastic boys)
33. master my out of control hair
34. personalize my car
35. make colorful spaghetti for the kids
36. make a sparkle poster
37. get a tattoo....or two
38. make my bathroom awesome and romantic
39. make a cake stand
40. have a garage sale
41. raise $4000 for charity....specifically the Concrete Hero race in Vancouver for the BC cancer foundation
42. build a bbq pit
43. have a bake sale
44. write everyday! blog it, stick it, scribble it....

Now where should I start?!