When to ask for help.

It's no secret now that I have been going through a hard time. And although I may look like I am holding it together on the outside, it's been a rough few months. Over the past year I have tried everything I can think of to relax. Since I was having nightmares, I started using lavender oil in my nightly bath and dabbing it on my pillow. (It worked) I swapped out my afternoon coffee with chamomile tea, I gave myself a bedtime, and tried to be more present in every day life. I have started using essential oils during the day to calm me down and I have been watching tv....in the afternoon. (Trying to ignore the 100 things still needing to be done.) I have stopped trying to be someone I am not and I have taken on much less responsibilities and started seeing a therapist.  And for the most part, its worked well. But if any of you are familiar with anxiety, you can understand that sometimes, its not enough.  

About a month ago I started having really bad panic attacks again. Despite everything I was doing, they crept back into my life like mold.  There is nothing you can do when they hit. Your breathing gets harder because if feels like someone is sitting on your chest. You cant seem to take a deep breath, as hard as you fight for one. Your view of the world gets smaller as outside details become fuzzy. You cry and start to shake. There aren't enough essential oils or teas in the world that are going to calm you down. So what do you do?

After agonizing over it for a few weeks, I finally went to the doctor. She prescribed something. I didn't like it. I felt like a failure. I filled the prescription, but was sure I wasn't going to take them. I didn't want give in to drugs. I felt like I should be able to do this on my own. I should be strong enough. I should be able to talk myself out of it. I am stronger than this. But the truth is, I am not.... not right now. After talking to some close friends about it, they assured me that its ok to have help sometimes. I even found out that some had done it before at one point in their life. So I wanted to write about it. If for the only reason is to let other people know that they aren't alone. So many people hide it, for whatever reason and understandable so.  We are all sitting there feeling alone with the same secret. I am not even sure why it's so hard to talk about, but it shouldn't be. But even if we don't talk about it, here it is. Know you are not alone.

PS: The drugs are not that bad and wouldn't you know it, I can breath again.

The Happiness Project.

       A friend of mine lent me this book, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Three of us are reading it together as part of a mini book club. I was intrigued. Who doesn't want to be happier? I grew up in an unstable home with the thought that happiness was unattainable for us. I see it much more clearly now that I look back as an adult. My life was always lived focusing on the negative, what could go wrong will, we could never get what "they" have, and so on. I spent most of my teenage years in a cloud of depression and uncertainty. I have recently faced my demons from my past. After going no contact with my toxic parents, memories of abuse and neglect came rushing back in broken pieces. Fragments of a life I had tucked away as a child, now being played in my mind like a movie I couldn't turn off. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I know that it's a life long process of self discovery that will heal these wounds. One thing it has made me realize is that all these fears I have about not being able to be successful, valued and happy are learned. They are not real and can be overcome. I work on it everyday. It takes time and patience, and a whole lot of effort. Like everything else, you can't just let time pass and hope it works itself out. You have to work at it, everyday. 

       I have everything I ever thought I wanted. I am married to a wonderful man, we have a home that we built together, I have two beautiful healthy boys, and a job I love. I also have my health, friends that I can count on and I do all the things that experts say will make you happy, like exercising and eating right. So why aren't I?? Don't get me wrong, I have happy days and do things that make me happy on a regular basis. But if you were to ask me on a regular day at any given time, "Are you happy?" I would probably say no. I am too busy being overwhelmed with grocery lists and meal plans, laundry, kids schedules, cleaning the desk that has been swallowed with paperwork for as long as we owned it...the list goes on. So when my friend told me about this book, I said YES PLEASE! after only hearing the title. 

       The main thing I took away from the first couple of chapters, was that clutter can make you unhappy. And it makes total sense! She lists so many different kinds of clutter, like bargain clutter, sentimental clutter and brain clutter. I had not realized how much my life had been consumed with clutter. So for this month I am setting to work. I am going to de-clutter my life. I started with the bathrooms. I literally dumped out every drawer and only put back what I use. I filled a large garbage bag with garbage and filled another one for the thrift store. It felt so amazing! Now every time I walk into the bathroom I smile and am comforted by the fact that the drawers are clean and if I were to open the cupboard, the toilet paper and towels would stay in there and I would be able to close it again after getting what I needed. Day by day I will continue with this insurmountable task until it is done. I feel happy just thinking about it!    

Mommy guilt.

Last night before I went to bed, I had a complete mommy guilt breakdown. I was looking at pictures from a couple of years ago, when my babies were still babies. I made me really realise how fast time is flying by. I am on a speeding train with no way of getting off to smell the flowers. Levi's once gaping hole where his two front teeth used to be is now crowded with chicklet looking adult teeth. Austin's adorably soft and curly baby locks are gone forever. 

Not long after Levi was born, I got bored and was a little lost. I was used to working with people all the time, being out every day, and staying busy. Now I was a mom. It was hard for me to get used to. I spent the next six years looking for something more. Something to make me more than just a mom. 

I spend countless hours sewing clothes to sell for other people. I went to craft fairs, sewed clothes for friends and sold online. It was great. My husband and I designed and built our home. I started a non-profit group and run a free boot camp twice a week. I bake cakes, I make gluten free food out of the kitchen I dreamed of. I have helped organize countless events, painted murals, put on my own art show, and redesigned my house room by room. I have run races, worked at a "real" job and over the last couple years, choreographed over 20 songs for the Boudoir Rouge. 

In all the action of my crazy life, I forgot to be present in what mattered most. I feel that I was so busy the past few years, trying to find out what was missing in my life, only to realize that I had it all along. I somehow feel like I missed out on the baby stages. They are growing up to be little people with opinions and things to say. I don't know how or even when it happened, but it did. They are growing out of clothes, toys and books. Their favourite baby books are being replaced with robot chapter books. They don't need me to cuddle them as much any more and they want to spend more time with their friends. They are even reading! Levi will be taller than me before I know it. Even his face has changed so much since September. 

I wish so much that I could turn back time, or even just stop it for a little while. I want to pick up my little babies and smell that new baby smell, content with just that. I want to take back all the nights I missed because I was too busy focusing on everyone else. But since I can't do that, the only thing I can do is move forward with this, and these thoughts. Move forward without forgetting this feeling. Be present in their lives today, right now. There is a balance. Yes, I still need to keep part of myself and not let that get lost, but now I can let everything else go....and just be a mom. 

My gluten free journey.

About three years ago I was diagnosed with celiac disease. My life was turned upside down in more ways than I could count! After ditching the wheat, I had more energy, my constant tummy troubles that plagued me since childhood mysteriously disappeared, and I was even thinking more clearly.  I no longer felt sluggish all day and it felt like I had a new lease on life. But the romance of it all quickly dissipated once I realized all the things I would have to now live without. Things like juicy A&W burgers, cake, egg rolls, Chinese food, fish and chips, doughnuts, half of the chocolate bars out there, French bread, chicken fingers, cinnamon buns, noodles, perogies, Aunt Ruth's favourite Christmas treats.... I could go on all night . I spent a year cheating on myself with the occasional wheat binge in the closet, followed by a couple of days of tummy aches and a really grumpy attitude. There were just certain things I could not live without! I decided that I was going to work really hard to find or make alternatives that tasted like the real thing. 

On my quest to find comparable replacements, I discovered that they came at a price! Anything labelled "gluten free" was code for expensive and with brick like texture. I began to make everything. For two years I spend hours researching and testing recipes, countless dollars on ingredients and many nights serving my family puck like breads and desserts. There was one night that my then three year old son bit into a bun and it cut his lip. (I cried right there at the dinner table.)  I also credit most of my success to my sister, who in the same boat, was able to point me in the direction of all the best recipes. Here are some tips I have learned along the way.

* Do not let over complicated gluten free cook books scare you. Google is your friend!

* Gluten is everywhere and is found using disguises all over the place. Who knew "caramel colour" or "smoke flavour" also meant gluten in most cases? 

* If you are going to a pot-luck, BBQ, wedding or dinner party, eat before you go, or confirm beforehand that there will be gluten free food available. I can't tell you how many times I have gone somewhere for dinner and only eaten corn chips and water all night. (Or if you are like my sister, just pack your own picnic!)  

* Just because a restaurant says something is gluten free on the menu, does not mean that it is. Most people don't understand how important it is to use separate utensils and most people don't understand what gluten free really means. Sure the bread for your burger is gluten free, but the bacon is not.

* When eating out, NEVER assume that something is gluten free. Things like milkshakes should be gluten free.......  I learned this is not always the case.

* Be prepared to do a lot of cooking at home! 

* Make your own flour mixes! The ones I have found on the market today are filled with stuff I can't pronounce and packed with other thickeners that are not good for you.

* Gluten free does not mean healthy! Just because you are eating gluten free does not mean you get out of reading labels. In fact, a high percentage of gluten free products are filled with added sugar and fat to make up for the missing flour. 

* If you are going to make bread, forget everything you know about baking bread. The process is completely different! 

* Don't just replace everything with rice! Branch out to different flours and pastas, like quinoa pasta. 

* It does not have to be expensive. Like soy sauce!! Most of them are $6 a bottle because they are gluten free. I found one that was not even advertised as gluten free for less than $3! (The bottle does say gluten free in small print!

Last but not least, do not get discouraged! There is a lot of information out there and there are a lot of people (way more than there was two years ago!) who have already done the trail and error for you. If you are new to the gluten free world, ask your friends, they are bound to know at least one or two people who have gone through this process and are willing to share tips and ideas. I am always willing and excited to talk gluten with newbies. Good luck!

For my friends

When I was growing up I was taught that friends are not important. I was always told that friends are people who would stab you in the back the first chance they got, were only looking out for themselves, and are not worth the time. My mom would say, "You will always have me and your family." I grew up believing it. Turns out, all of that was a huge steaming pile of shit.

This has been a bit of a tough year for me. In the new year I lost all hope for any further relationship with my parents. They started a battle they could never win and for the safety of my boys and the solidarity of my marriage, I walked away.  Later in the year we lost my uncle, and a few months after that my aunt passed away. This past month, things are changing again. My husband, who has always been the breadwinner, was out of work for too long. We were charging groceries to the credit card and watching as out debt rose to an uncomfortable level. I started working for the first time in six years. My friends have been there for me every step of the way. They have offered help with the kids, an ear, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to hug me. My friends have taught me that I am not and will never be alone. They have encouraged me and cared for me. They have reassured me in times of despair and never ever tried to stab me in the back.

This week has been difficult for my family and my friends have again shown me how awesome they are. I am constantly humbled by the love and support around me. I want to say and extra thank you to my best friend, who took my son when Arthur had a fire call, and brought him to me at work for some much needed mommy cuddles. Thank you to my mother-in-law for taking Austin so we could focus on Levi in his time of need. Thank you to a beautiful shinning soul who brought me a meal in jar, just because. That meal came at the absolute perfect time. Thank you to the friend who cleaned my kitchen table so that I could actually see it for the first time in two weeks. Thank you to my new friend who offered support and her services as a babysitter so I can run next weekend. Thank you to my neighbour/friend who came to the rescue to watch the kids so Arthur and I could get an hour out on a Friday night. Thank you to the friend who offered a full day of fort building and face painting for my kids so Arthur and I could reconnect. Thank you to the friends who think of me for their families cake and cupcake needs. Your support is so much appreciated. Thank you to the friends who listened and allowed me to bounce ideas off them. Thank you to the friends who didn't let me miss a workout this week because they knew I needed it.

I can say with 100% certainty and with every fibre of my being, that friends are worth the time and they ARE important.  

I have joined the ranks.

I have been many things.  I have spent some time as a know it all, bank teller, a waitress, Subway restaurant owner, a diva, a booboo fixer, taxi driver, and now I can add something very special. I have joined the ranks of "SUPERHERO" Yes that's right, I am now a working mother.

When I had my boys it was decided that one of us would always be home with them. Even as they grew up and were in school, we wanted someone to be available to them all the time. Someone to pick them up and make them chicken soup when they are not feeling well, someone to call in sick on a snow day, or just to walk them to the classroom...every day. I just always assumed that person would be me. It wasn't until recently that things changed. My husband Arthur is now that person and I have taken on the momentousness task of becoming a superhero.

I am lucky. I love my job. Mind you, it's only been three shifts, but this job was meant for me. I get to pick out cute clothes every day, have a reason to wear make-up and brush my hair every morning, and I get to work with people. I get free coffee and the food there is awesome too!

As the days go on, I realize why working mothers are graced with the title of superhero. This is how things have changed...and in some cases, stayed the same:

* The time I get to spend with my kids is fleeting. So those moments are spent with 100% appreciation for the crazy little people they are.

* I still have to do the dishes, make the meals, get the laundry done and clean the house.

* I no longer fold bed sheets or towels. They get crammed into the closet. I also gave up on matching socks. Who the hell has time for that?!

* My needs come last...for now.

* I feel great pride in being able to support my family.

* I love not being the boss! But there are times when that diva poker her head out and wants to make changes or do things differently!

* It is amazing how fast I can do my hair and make-up, make two lunches and breakfast for four people, all the while playing referee to two boys who are fighting for the galaxy!

* I drink an obscene amount of coffee.

* I value more all the things I get to do, like spending time dancing, boot camp with my closest friends, or time watching tv with my husband.

* I turn into a pumpkin at around 10pm.

* I now pick my shoes based on how much I think my feet will hurt after a shift. There is no sitting down at work.

* I miss my kids when I am away from them more than usual.

* Money spent is now judged by hours worked. Like dinner out is an entire day worth of work?!

*  My brain really wont turn off now!

* I bit off more than I can chew.... but that is pretty typical with me. And I will come out on top, smiling, because I always do.

*  I will still dance three nights a week, do boot camp twice a week, raise money for the food bank, bake cakes, teach my kids how to have fun, be a wife, a mother, and now a superhero, because these are all things I love. Yes, I might go crazy, but I can sleep when I am dead! No one will ever say I wasted this life away. It was a gift given to me, and continues to be given everyday... I will not squander it.

S#!t my family says.

I have two little boys (and one big boy) that live in this house. I often feel outnumbered amidst the swirls of poop talk, smelly farts, and general rowdy behaviour. There are many times that I will just shake my head and walk away. My boys have a way with words to say the least. So here is a list of random things that have come out of the mouths of my sweet 4 and 6 year old boys.

• "This is a high pedestrian zone!" Levi yelled at me because he felt I was going too fast....in the driveway.
• "I'm parched."
• "Whoa! Naked Woman, put on a boob cover." From my 6 year old as I had just gotten out of bed at 6am.
• "I like my collar up, it makes me look handsome." Both of my boys have said a variation of this.
• "I am starving! Like a cow wanting to be milked." Not sure about that one... Thanks Austin.
• "Mom, I know why your tummy hurts." 
• Me: "Why?"
• "Because you are making a baby!"
• Me: (laughing) "Um no."
• "But then why is your belly so squishy?".... and there goes my self-esteem. Someone bring me chocolate!
• "You look sexy!" Self-esteem somewhat restored. 
• "Can I have a tutu? It's really more like a fancy belt. Boys are allowed those."
• "Does peanut butter come from bears?" Austin figured it must, since there is a bear on the container.
• "You know I am not in the mood for this!" Levi was mad about me trying to talk to him about how wrong it was to hit his brother.
• "It's all com-apart-able." 
• "I'm black toast intolerant." They are also lactose intolerant. 
• "You can't eat flowers. But worms are ok, right mom?"
• "Mom, the volcano poops are coming!"
• "My skin is bubble vaporizing." It was a really hot day and he was worried that he had a sun burn.
• "MOM! Smell my body."
• "I don't want the lemonade you fool!"
• "Girls love flowers. Put a pretty flower on anything and the girls will love it."  

I have saved the best for last. The other day, Levi came out of my bathroom with one of my tampons. He had unwrapped it and was "testing it".

"Mom! These are so awesome! What a great design! Do you see how the sponge part gets pushed out? You could use this for so many things?! I would like to know who invented them!"

A couple days later he was in my bathroom with a cut on his foot. The perfect opportunity to use one of these amazing inventions! Now I have to hide them.