Own it!

Overweight. Fat. Skinny. Obese. Rolls.

 

      I have gotten to know all of these in my life. I have been way too overweight, I have struggled with self acceptance, I have won and I have lost. I have been 150lbs to over 200lbs and spent a lot of time in the 180lbs range. But through all of those times, one thing remains constant. The one, yet most important thing that remains constant.... is me. No matter what size I am, I am still great...awesome even. I am still funny. I am still a good mom. I am still an artist. I am still creative, fun, sexy, and vibrant! We need to stop seeing ourselves as only our weight and size. We need to start seeing ourselves for the awesome things we bring to the table, no matter what! Instead of dwelling on what we don't have, or what we couldn't achieve, lets celebrate the amazing things we have done! Yes, be active and be strong, but start owning who you are. Over the last little while I have been eating more than I should and working out a little less. I have put on some weight and need to buy new jeans. Meh....  I see my new layers of... "love" as a warning sign. A sign that maybe I have not bee nice too myself. Maybe I have not been taking as good of care of myself as I need to. I don't see a failure. I see someone who needs to dust herself off and get back in the game. I see someone who is strong and ready to put in the work to be more healthy. I don't need to fit into size 8 jeans because jeans don't define who I am. Only I do.

 

 

 

      

Leap

       When I look back at my life, I see the risks I took. The leaps of faith, confident that everything will turn out the way it should. I see now that every leap was a leap in the right direction, no matter how silly it seemed at the time. I think that we have to take risks in order to grow and be better human beings. Risks make you feel alive. It's sink or swim, no turning back, balls to the wall....

       It's been way too long since I have done that. I have been so busy hiding and keeping warm in my little bubble, that I forgot to live. I forget what it feels like to be totally naked, reaching for the reward. (I mean that figuratively and literally. hahaha) So it's time I remember what it's like. It's time I leave the comfort of my blankie, stand up tall and leap. This is the year of the leaps! How fitting that it's actually a leap year. In no particular order, here is my leap list.

• Run naked through the street
• Publish a book!!! Let go of fear, someone will read it, and someone might even like it!
• Overcome my fear of heights. Or at the very least, face them.
• Get tattooed....a lot
• Rock pink hair
• Go to a concert and dance like a teenager
• Abandon the idea that I should be doing something with my life. As it turns out, I really already am already!
• Wear more red lipstick
• Travel
• Be awesome!

It should be a good year!

Christmas officially begins in the Griffiths House

     Today is usually one of the happiest days of the year for me. It comes third after Christmas day and my birthday. Today, the Sunday after Remembrance Day, I am free to unleash the glitter gods and decorate my house for Christmas. I leap out of bed and go straight to the stereo. It isn't quite Christmas without the upbeat melodies of Michael Buble. The Lego Holiday Village takes its rightful place on the desk, the Christmas tree proudly stands adorned with years of glittered ornament making, the Holiday music can he heard from the street and the smell of bacon and waffles waft through the morning air. There is always a "Monica" moment from me, where I panic because the ornaments aren't being put in the right spot or there are too many gold balls and not enough red ones in the bottom corner. Its taken a few years for me to let go and allow others to help decorate the tree. Its a sacred thing! I still resist the urge to move them all around after the kids have gone to bed. 

 

     Even though I am surrounded by so much beauty and love, at the end of the day it feels like there is something missing. I know that the holidays are especially tough when important people are missing from your life. For me it is no different. Just because it was my choice to no longer have contact with my parents, doesn't mean I don't miss them. In fact, I don't miss them, I miss having parents. Real, loving parents who care for and support me. The feelings are stronger than ever this time of year. What I wouldn't give to have a family baking day with my kids grandparents. Learning all the family recipes, sharing family Christmas stories, seeing what it looks like to have three generations of people cooking in the same kitchen. Most people take this for granted. What I wouldn't give to have ten people sleeping here on Christmas Eve, eating cookies and drinking eggnog late into the night. Then waking up one by one after hearing the pitter patter of little feet, no doubt from my youngest son Austin, who is always first out of bed. What I wouldn't give.....

 

 

Mental Health Check

      After almost a year long struggle with anxiety and depression, I am so happy to say that for the most part, I am coming out of the fog. I feel committed to working out, eating better, and staying faithful to myself when it comes to self care. But just because I am feeling better, doesn't mean I forget. Depression, anxiety and suicide are things we just never talk about. Probably more than half of us are in the same boat or have been at least once in our lives, yet we never talk about it. We all struggle in silence. I will blog about this until the end of time if it means I can get one more person willing to talk about it. If I can reach out to one person today and let them know that they are not a lone and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, then my job is done.

 

      Some people don't even notice that they are depressed. They don't notice or they don't want to admit it to themselves. Either way, here are some signs to look for in yourself or your friends. If you notice even two of these, for the love of all of us, talk to them, get help, listen, bring them tea, anything.

 

Top signs that you might be suffering from depression. (From my own experiences, I am not a doctor)

 

*You sleep all the time, or can't sleep at all. Maybe you want to nap all day, can't seem to drag yourself off the couch, or stay in bed all night staring at the wall. I once asked my kids what they thought I was good at and they said "You are good at taking naps."

 

*You are over eating or under eating to the point that your weight may be changing. For me, I ate like food would never grow on this planet again. I once went to the pantry, opened a bag of chips and ate the entire bag without moving.

 

*You are crying. If you cry even once a week, you are probably suffering from depression. I used to cry for no reason at all. I just felt overwhelmed all the time.

 

*You are cancelling plans with friends for no real reason.

 

*You might be yelling at your kids or loved ones, or your coworkers, or your friends. You find yourself getting pissed off over little things that don't really matter.

 

* Your personal hygiene is poor or non existent. There were times when I wouldn't wash my hair for days. I couldn't bring myself to shower and I wore the same yoga pants for months. Forget about makeup or even pretending to look like I care.

 

      If any of these things ring true for you, its ok. Its not the end of the world, there is help, and you are not alone! Please start being honest with yourself and take the time to get help. No one will think less of you, in fact they will commend you for taking the time to look after yourself. Pretending like nothing is wrong will just get you deeper into the mess you are already in. If you can't talk to a friend, talk to your doctor. However, in my experiences once you start talking to your friends, you find out that all this time you were struggling alone, you could have struggled with a friend...we all share similar stories. Good luck, and I send you love and peace tonight.

Inspiration.

      I met Carleen in 2012. She was a Booty Camp newcomer but quickly became a beloved member of the team. She was quiet at first, like most new Booty Campers, but her smile lights up a room. It took a while to bring her out of her shell, sometimes she would go an entire workout without saying much at all. Once we cracked her shy exterior, there was no turning back! Carleen, like most of us, was working hard to get the body and health that she wanted. After many years of failed diets and exercise plans, you could tell that she was serious this time about her fitness goals. Her drive was apparent and motivated us all. In February of 2013 she joined the Booty Camp Girls in the very first Boudoir Rouge and proved to everyone that no matter what your shape or size, you can be SEXY! She danced on stage in little more than her underwear in front of 200 people and totally rocked it!

 

 

      We were all so sad when she had to move away to be with her amazing and supportive boyfriend Jason. And although we were losing such an amazing women, we made sure to keep in touch over the past couple of years. In this time she has continued to challenge herself and push the limits. She has inspired me to work harder, change habits, love yourself, and keep fitness as a number one priority. Carleen truly is an inspiration. This year she has signed up for her very first TRIATHLON, which takes place in Vancouver on September 7th. Even thought she only recently started riding her bike again, and is a little afraid of the swim in the open water, she is taking on the challenge like she does all others...with umph, gusto, laughs and smiles. I can't say this enough, I am so proud of her. I have been so privileged to call her my friend and to follow her fitness journey. She shows us all that with hard work and determination, anything can be done. Carleen, I wish you luck on Monday, not that you need it, on this first of many triathlons. Love ya! Now go kick some ass!!

 

 

 

S#!t My Family Says. Volume 2

This morning I was canning peaches with my kids and it prompted me to do another edition of "Shit My Family Says".  I will start with this mornings discussion.

1) Austin: "Mom can you give me a clean hand job?" (He was peeling the peaches and wanted a job that wouldn't get his hands dirty.)
Levi: "Austin, you can do the dishes, that is a clean hand job but careful of the soap, it can sometimes be a slippy hand job. You don't want my job, it's a sticky hand job." (It took every fiber of my being to keep from laughing.)

2) Levi: "Would you two just coopercate with each other?" (Arthur and I were arguing over something. I think he wanted us to cooperate... or communicate....)

3) Austin: "Mom I am not really cute. I would rather be called cool. That's ok with me."

4) Austin: "That's not my name you fool!" Said to the man in the cafeteria line up on the ferry. Austin was mistaken for Spiderman...since he was wearing the full suit.

5) Arthur: "Where is our bedspread?"
Me: "We don't have one... never have."
Arthur: "Yes, we have. Where is it?"
Me: "Ok, what colour is it?"
Arthur: (Long pause) "Bedspread colour."

6) Me to Levi: "We live in paradise."
Levi: "Mom, we aren't in Disneyland."

7) Austin: "Mom! Smell what was behind my ears!" (Oh the joy of living with boys.)

8) Austin: "Mom, I am NOT going in that cat pool." (Turns out he thought we were saying kitty pool and not kiddy pool.)

9) Levi: "Mom I was just checking my penis for cat hair." (um....)

10) Levi to Arthur: "Mom is like a polar bear. She is one of the most deadliest animals in the world."

11) Austin to Aunty Jen: "Aunty Jen, do you have crabs?" He was looking at her Pandora bracelet was wondered why there would be a crab on it.

12) Austin when I wanted him to have a shower: "Mom, I'm freaking clean!"

Loss

      Most days we go through life without a thought of its frailty. We wander through our days mad because our coffee order was wrong or angry with yourself because you forgot to take out the garbage. We get mad at husbands or kids, we work a million hours and we rush through life without a second thought of how fast it can be taken away. Most of us live each day consumed with all of the little things that we have going on that we tend to take the most important things for granted. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? When was the last time you truly enjoyed the view of a beautiful sunset?

 

     Today was a strange day. I was startled by something and instantly awake at 6am. I knew right away that something wasn't right. The air was thick and smelled like smoke. I popped my head out the open window and up to the orange sky. It was like a was looking at the world through orange coloured glasses. The ash that had been falling through the night still filled the air and the chorus of the morning birds were absent. The wildfire burning in Sechelt was making its presence known. Today I was fully aware. Aware of the danger we face, aware of the frailty of this land and the force of mother nature.

 

      For days my husband, a volunteer fireman, has been at the edge of his seat. Waiting for that call to action, he has been ready. Thousands of men and women across this province (and across Canada) have been working tirelessly to save our forests and homes. They are hero's. They put their lives aside and sacrifice for you and I. They work for hours in the heat and do very dangerous work, fighting to save the places that we call home. Today we lost a fighter. Not only did his family lose a father, a husband, a brother.. this community lost a hero. My heart was heavy and I felt sick to my stomach to hear the news. It hit too close to home. My husband called him a friend, a confidant and he was a great man. We have truly lost someone special. My heart breaks for his family, his co-workers, his friends, and everyone who knew him, for his warm smile will be missed by many. I wish there was something I could do for his family to somehow ease their pain. I find it so hard to wrap my head around this loss, it all feels so unreal. Like I will wake up tomorrow and it will all be a bad dream. If only it were that simple. Tonight I will hug my husband tighter. Tonight I will pray for and thank all those still fighting fires and I will pray for the family who lost such a shinning light today. My heart goes out to you.