Taking care

Taking care of yourself. What does that even mean? Especially as a mom and wife.....

Over the past ten years I have been going, going, going. I kept so busy that I didn't even have time to think. Between being a mom of two busy boys and a self proclaimed "do it all junkie" I did not take the time for myself... never mind even pretend to know what that would look like. So here I am, one mental breakdown later, left with only myself to pick up the pieces. The past week I have been looking back, wondering how I can do things differently moving forward. First of all, I said I would take a whole year off and I am sticking to it. I will still run my business and I will still run my weekly bootcamps. I will not however, do much of anything else except perfect the art of self care.

Realizing that self care was needed in my life did not come overnight. Even just the words, "self care" were foreign to me. It made me think of selfishness. I was suffering from depression and anxiety attacks. (and would still be without the medication) I think these two go hand in hand. If you don't take care of your mind and body, it will fail you, you will suffer. They both also seem to follow the same stigma. Call it what you want, mental illness, depression, chronic fatigue.... They all get lumped into the category of things we don't talk about or acknowledge, along with self care. Yes, external factors were partly responsible for my mental breakdown, but I would not have gone as far down the rabbit hole if I were taking great care of myself.

I have come a long way in six months. I have learned to take time away from responsibilities, I have discovered the world of essential oils and the great things they can do, I have learned to meditate, be mindful and present, and I have learned that only I am responsible for the outcome of my life. I have an opportunity to either move forward with my past as part of me or let it control me. I chose life. I am learning that self care means more than just taking care of yourself. It means to let others do so as well. Realizing that I am worth the time of others is a huge step. I am worth a massage, I am worth a yoga class, I am worth the time and effort. It still sounds selfish to me, but my goal is to get over it. I believe my future depends on it. If I can't take care of myself, what sort of message and I sending my growing boys?? I would not want them to look at themselves the way I look at myself. Ever. And I know that if I am taken care of, I will be happier. I will be a better person to be around and be more focused for my growing family. So I leave you with this, you want a massage, a pedicure, a new book, a dinner out...? Whatever it is, treat yourself, because you are worth it. You, me, we are all worth the effort. No matter what you may be telling yourself.   

Another summer, another awesome to do list.

I am finally starting to feel human again! With the help of oils, teas, meditation, yoga, friends, my family, and drugs, I am starting to feel better and hopefully leaving the debilitating cloud of anxiety and depression behind me. So to celebrate and keep my eyes on the exciting future ahead, I am making another super awesome summer fun to do list.

1) Jump off a dock
2) Skinny dip
3) Do the colour run
4) Rub my sisters pregnant belly
5) Make a fort
6) Have a movie day
7) Have a family dinner in Edmonton (Judy, Brian, Carol, Ken, Abby, Jenny and Francis...this means you!)
8) Drink a Dr. Pepper Slurpee
9) Make a dress
10) Have a sewing day with the boys
11) Sleep in!!
12) Finish my backyard sign
13) Have a beach day
14) Watch the sunrise
15) Throw a BBQ
16) Build a Lego mansion
17) Write a kids book with the boys
18) Go camping
19) Catch a fish
20) Eat crab
21) Have a girls only camping weekend!
22) Get a massage
23) Bike ride 25km
24) Roast marshmallows
25) Dance in the rain
26) Find the perfect couch!
27) Finish my front outdoor patio
28) Build a sand castle
29) Go to beach I have never been before
30) Have a girls spa day at home
31) Canning! I see peaches, salsa and apple sauce in my future
32) Pick veggies from my garden
33) Paint my nails
34) Lay on a hammock and get lost in a book
35) Cook something totally new
36) Have a family bike ride to the store for ice cream (should probably do this a few times)
37) Share meals with friends...LOTS!
38) Relax
39) Go boating
40) Find my strengths again.... or find new ones.

Wish me luck!

Birthday week revelation.

This past week was my birthday week. I spent the entire week doing fun things and relaxing, much like what you would do on a birthday. I spent time at the park with my family, ate ice cream, had a sushi lunch with friends, went shopping for a new outfit, had a fun night out in the city, shaved off some hair and coloured some of it pink, and spent a whole day eating cake and drinking coffee. I also learned something very important. Far too often, life gets in the way and we forget how to have fun. Why is it that only one week a year we get to do these fun things and do things that make us feel good?! (Some people only give themselves one day!)

     I am now 34. I have had a couple bad years. I have lost a lot of "friends", cut contact with my parents and become a different person. Over the past few months I have been really dwelling on those losses. The loss of what I thought were close friendships was a hard pill to swallow. Dealing with a mother who is mentally ill and requires me to cut off all contact is a weird and deep loss to maneuver through. And in the process I have lost myself. I feel like I am no longer the confident, strong, glitter throwing Dallas Glittertush. And for months this has pained me. I kept focusing on who I wasn't and who I no longer had in my life and why. I somehow failed to see the amazing opportunity in front of me.

     Its true, that all of those things are lost and will never come back. But I somehow failed to see all of the amazing friendships that have gotten so much stronger. Without those losses, I may never have found my true soul sisters. These two women mean more to me than they will ever know. And new friends have emerged. Since cutting off contact with my parents, my family has gotten closer than ever. I have a relationship with my Aunt that was never there before and it means to much to me. I have learned what it truly takes to be a great parent. As for loosing myself....

     The person I was is gone. The over achieving, party planner, cheerleader, do-it-all queen is gone, but will always be a part of me. Now I get to figure out who I really am. I get to start over. So in doing that, I am starting with doing something every day that makes me happy....forever! Forget about birthday week, its a re-birth year. Thirty four is the year of the remake, self discovery and fun. The person I will become will not ever be the same as before, but stronger somehow. I am excited to see what fun really is for me and what achievement for ME really looks like. I may never plan another event for as long as I live, and I may never run another race, but I promise myself I will find what drives me and it may just be doing crafts with the kids all day or gardening but that's ok.

When to ask for help.

It's no secret now that I have been going through a hard time. And although I may look like I am holding it together on the outside, it's been a rough few months. Over the past year I have tried everything I can think of to relax. Since I was having nightmares, I started using lavender oil in my nightly bath and dabbing it on my pillow. (It worked) I swapped out my afternoon coffee with chamomile tea, I gave myself a bedtime, and tried to be more present in every day life. I have started using essential oils during the day to calm me down and I have been watching tv....in the afternoon. (Trying to ignore the 100 things still needing to be done.) I have stopped trying to be someone I am not and I have taken on much less responsibilities and started seeing a therapist.  And for the most part, its worked well. But if any of you are familiar with anxiety, you can understand that sometimes, its not enough.  

About a month ago I started having really bad panic attacks again. Despite everything I was doing, they crept back into my life like mold.  There is nothing you can do when they hit. Your breathing gets harder because if feels like someone is sitting on your chest. You cant seem to take a deep breath, as hard as you fight for one. Your view of the world gets smaller as outside details become fuzzy. You cry and start to shake. There aren't enough essential oils or teas in the world that are going to calm you down. So what do you do?

After agonizing over it for a few weeks, I finally went to the doctor. She prescribed something. I didn't like it. I felt like a failure. I filled the prescription, but was sure I wasn't going to take them. I didn't want give in to drugs. I felt like I should be able to do this on my own. I should be strong enough. I should be able to talk myself out of it. I am stronger than this. But the truth is, I am not.... not right now. After talking to some close friends about it, they assured me that its ok to have help sometimes. I even found out that some had done it before at one point in their life. So I wanted to write about it. If for the only reason is to let other people know that they aren't alone. So many people hide it, for whatever reason and understandable so.  We are all sitting there feeling alone with the same secret. I am not even sure why it's so hard to talk about, but it shouldn't be. But even if we don't talk about it, here it is. Know you are not alone.

PS: The drugs are not that bad and wouldn't you know it, I can breath again.

The Happiness Project.

       A friend of mine lent me this book, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Three of us are reading it together as part of a mini book club. I was intrigued. Who doesn't want to be happier? I grew up in an unstable home with the thought that happiness was unattainable for us. I see it much more clearly now that I look back as an adult. My life was always lived focusing on the negative, what could go wrong will, we could never get what "they" have, and so on. I spent most of my teenage years in a cloud of depression and uncertainty. I have recently faced my demons from my past. After going no contact with my toxic parents, memories of abuse and neglect came rushing back in broken pieces. Fragments of a life I had tucked away as a child, now being played in my mind like a movie I couldn't turn off. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I know that it's a life long process of self discovery that will heal these wounds. One thing it has made me realize is that all these fears I have about not being able to be successful, valued and happy are learned. They are not real and can be overcome. I work on it everyday. It takes time and patience, and a whole lot of effort. Like everything else, you can't just let time pass and hope it works itself out. You have to work at it, everyday. 

       I have everything I ever thought I wanted. I am married to a wonderful man, we have a home that we built together, I have two beautiful healthy boys, and a job I love. I also have my health, friends that I can count on and I do all the things that experts say will make you happy, like exercising and eating right. So why aren't I?? Don't get me wrong, I have happy days and do things that make me happy on a regular basis. But if you were to ask me on a regular day at any given time, "Are you happy?" I would probably say no. I am too busy being overwhelmed with grocery lists and meal plans, laundry, kids schedules, cleaning the desk that has been swallowed with paperwork for as long as we owned it...the list goes on. So when my friend told me about this book, I said YES PLEASE! after only hearing the title. 

       The main thing I took away from the first couple of chapters, was that clutter can make you unhappy. And it makes total sense! She lists so many different kinds of clutter, like bargain clutter, sentimental clutter and brain clutter. I had not realized how much my life had been consumed with clutter. So for this month I am setting to work. I am going to de-clutter my life. I started with the bathrooms. I literally dumped out every drawer and only put back what I use. I filled a large garbage bag with garbage and filled another one for the thrift store. It felt so amazing! Now every time I walk into the bathroom I smile and am comforted by the fact that the drawers are clean and if I were to open the cupboard, the toilet paper and towels would stay in there and I would be able to close it again after getting what I needed. Day by day I will continue with this insurmountable task until it is done. I feel happy just thinking about it!    

Mommy guilt.

Last night before I went to bed, I had a complete mommy guilt breakdown. I was looking at pictures from a couple of years ago, when my babies were still babies. I made me really realise how fast time is flying by. I am on a speeding train with no way of getting off to smell the flowers. Levi's once gaping hole where his two front teeth used to be is now crowded with chicklet looking adult teeth. Austin's adorably soft and curly baby locks are gone forever. 

Not long after Levi was born, I got bored and was a little lost. I was used to working with people all the time, being out every day, and staying busy. Now I was a mom. It was hard for me to get used to. I spent the next six years looking for something more. Something to make me more than just a mom. 

I spend countless hours sewing clothes to sell for other people. I went to craft fairs, sewed clothes for friends and sold online. It was great. My husband and I designed and built our home. I started a non-profit group and run a free boot camp twice a week. I bake cakes, I make gluten free food out of the kitchen I dreamed of. I have helped organize countless events, painted murals, put on my own art show, and redesigned my house room by room. I have run races, worked at a "real" job and over the last couple years, choreographed over 20 songs for the Boudoir Rouge. 

In all the action of my crazy life, I forgot to be present in what mattered most. I feel that I was so busy the past few years, trying to find out what was missing in my life, only to realize that I had it all along. I somehow feel like I missed out on the baby stages. They are growing up to be little people with opinions and things to say. I don't know how or even when it happened, but it did. They are growing out of clothes, toys and books. Their favourite baby books are being replaced with robot chapter books. They don't need me to cuddle them as much any more and they want to spend more time with their friends. They are even reading! Levi will be taller than me before I know it. Even his face has changed so much since September. 

I wish so much that I could turn back time, or even just stop it for a little while. I want to pick up my little babies and smell that new baby smell, content with just that. I want to take back all the nights I missed because I was too busy focusing on everyone else. But since I can't do that, the only thing I can do is move forward with this, and these thoughts. Move forward without forgetting this feeling. Be present in their lives today, right now. There is a balance. Yes, I still need to keep part of myself and not let that get lost, but now I can let everything else go....and just be a mom. 

My gluten free journey.

About three years ago I was diagnosed with celiac disease. My life was turned upside down in more ways than I could count! After ditching the wheat, I had more energy, my constant tummy troubles that plagued me since childhood mysteriously disappeared, and I was even thinking more clearly.  I no longer felt sluggish all day and it felt like I had a new lease on life. But the romance of it all quickly dissipated once I realized all the things I would have to now live without. Things like juicy A&W burgers, cake, egg rolls, Chinese food, fish and chips, doughnuts, half of the chocolate bars out there, French bread, chicken fingers, cinnamon buns, noodles, perogies, Aunt Ruth's favourite Christmas treats.... I could go on all night . I spent a year cheating on myself with the occasional wheat binge in the closet, followed by a couple of days of tummy aches and a really grumpy attitude. There were just certain things I could not live without! I decided that I was going to work really hard to find or make alternatives that tasted like the real thing. 

On my quest to find comparable replacements, I discovered that they came at a price! Anything labelled "gluten free" was code for expensive and with brick like texture. I began to make everything. For two years I spend hours researching and testing recipes, countless dollars on ingredients and many nights serving my family puck like breads and desserts. There was one night that my then three year old son bit into a bun and it cut his lip. (I cried right there at the dinner table.)  I also credit most of my success to my sister, who in the same boat, was able to point me in the direction of all the best recipes. Here are some tips I have learned along the way.

* Do not let over complicated gluten free cook books scare you. Google is your friend!

* Gluten is everywhere and is found using disguises all over the place. Who knew "caramel colour" or "smoke flavour" also meant gluten in most cases? 

* If you are going to a pot-luck, BBQ, wedding or dinner party, eat before you go, or confirm beforehand that there will be gluten free food available. I can't tell you how many times I have gone somewhere for dinner and only eaten corn chips and water all night. (Or if you are like my sister, just pack your own picnic!)  

* Just because a restaurant says something is gluten free on the menu, does not mean that it is. Most people don't understand how important it is to use separate utensils and most people don't understand what gluten free really means. Sure the bread for your burger is gluten free, but the bacon is not.

* When eating out, NEVER assume that something is gluten free. Things like milkshakes should be gluten free.......  I learned this is not always the case.

* Be prepared to do a lot of cooking at home! 

* Make your own flour mixes! The ones I have found on the market today are filled with stuff I can't pronounce and packed with other thickeners that are not good for you.

* Gluten free does not mean healthy! Just because you are eating gluten free does not mean you get out of reading labels. In fact, a high percentage of gluten free products are filled with added sugar and fat to make up for the missing flour. 

* If you are going to make bread, forget everything you know about baking bread. The process is completely different! 

* Don't just replace everything with rice! Branch out to different flours and pastas, like quinoa pasta. 

* It does not have to be expensive. Like soy sauce!! Most of them are $6 a bottle because they are gluten free. I found one that was not even advertised as gluten free for less than $3! (The bottle does say gluten free in small print!

Last but not least, do not get discouraged! There is a lot of information out there and there are a lot of people (way more than there was two years ago!) who have already done the trail and error for you. If you are new to the gluten free world, ask your friends, they are bound to know at least one or two people who have gone through this process and are willing to share tips and ideas. I am always willing and excited to talk gluten with newbies. Good luck!