I have been wondering how I would feel about this moment when it came, and it finally did. Last night I found out that my Grandfather died after a long battle with cancer, and I don't know how I feel about it.
Loss is a terrible thing and grief can do strange things to someone. Not to trivialize his life, but I feel indifferent about his passing. I know that he enriched many lives, and I'm sure was a loving and caring person, but I never got the opportunity to know that for myself.
Growing up, I was always told that I wasn't missing out. He was not spoken highly of in our house. (To say the least) I always thought that was strange. Grandparents are supposed to be loving figures who care for you, give you treats, and who's houses smell like cookies. When I was in my early twenties, I went out East to meet him. It was the first time meeting him that I actually remember. Our last time in contact was when I was practically still in diapers. My parents had a falling out and closed off all contact. The visit was short, sweet and surreal. I had hoped that it would be the beginning of a new relationship, but I never heard from him after that. I know that I could have called. I guess I was afraid of the rejection. But at the same time, it's a two way street. It always boggled my mind that he would not want to at least get to know me a little.
I feel like I missed out on history. I don't know what he was like, what his proud moments were, what he was good at.... He never knew my kids, his great grand kids. He was the last remaining grandparent. I guess I am most sad about that. There is so much I never got to learn about him.
What makes this situation even more difficult is that I recently had a falling out with my parents. They have treated me in such a way that is nearly unforgivable. So what do I do now.....?
I spent a lifetime wondering who my grandparents were. I can't do that to my kids, but I have to protect them and do what is right for me and my family. I only know that I will ensure not to project my feelings for my parents on to my kids. And when they are old enough to decide for themselves, they are more than welcomed to spend time with them. I can only hope that they will accept that when the time comes.
Saturday 4 January 2014
Wednesday 1 January 2014
Happy New Year!
I don't usually get caught up in any big New Years parties, fresh starts, or setting New Years resolutions. I believe that you can have a clean slate and start fresh with a good attitude any time. It is however a good time to reflect and be thankful for what you have gone through, what you have learned and experienced in the past year. I try to always focus on the positive.
This year was a year for crossing off items on my bucket list! I February, I danced in a burlesque show. I got on stage loud and proud and took advantage of every nerve racking moment. It was awesome! During the summer, friends took me kayaking for the very first time. Being scared of deep water, I was nervous about it, but had a really great time. I also got to go skinny dipping. Too much Gin and the summer air got to us all. I also got a new tattoo, the oak tree I always wanted, to symbolize the strength of family. Finally, I got to go to Disneyland at Christmas time! The lights and decorations were just like I imagined they would be. The magic in the air was even better than I remembered. And seeing such a wonderful crazy place through the eyes of my two boys was more than I expected.
This year was also a year for close friendships and strength. I grew more friendships this year than I have in my whole life combined. Together we ran races, put on awesome events, raised over $5000 for charity, got into great shape, contemplated running naked through the streets, climbed over buses and parked cars, earned medals, threw great parties, wore wedding dresses, watched two beautiful people get married, and supported each other in a way that I have never seen. This is what I am most proud of this year. Finding a group of women who don't judge, who have my back, and laugh at real things. We aren't afraid to be silly and we try not to take life too seriously. We are supportive and encouraging and always willing to help out.
Another great moment for me this year was when I decided to get serious about cupcakes and build my own commercial kitchen. It was scary, and still is, but also so rewarding and exciting. I have a great opportunity to make a living for my family on my own terms. I get to be creative at the job I love, everyday. My husband is also spending more time at home and less time working. A gift I will always cherish. Learning that wealth is not only measured by how much money you have is probably the lesson I am so thankful to have learned this year.
This year I am also learning that it's ok to let go. It's ok to let go of relationship, family, or friends. Life is too short to hang on to baggage, or to let people hurt you. Just because someone is family, doesn't mean they have a right to take away ANY of your sparkle. I feel so much freedom from discovering this.
Finally this year, we have gotten a new puppy! His name is Captain. After a long time wanting for a dog in my life, I finally convinced my husband! I now feel like our little family is complete. I didn't expect how much I would enjoy seeing the boys play with him, and want to take care of him.
Sometimes when I look back at my life, I am amazed by all the cool, super awesome, exciting things I have been able to do. I can't wait to see what is in store for me this year! It IS going to be a GREAT year!!
This year was a year for crossing off items on my bucket list! I February, I danced in a burlesque show. I got on stage loud and proud and took advantage of every nerve racking moment. It was awesome! During the summer, friends took me kayaking for the very first time. Being scared of deep water, I was nervous about it, but had a really great time. I also got to go skinny dipping. Too much Gin and the summer air got to us all. I also got a new tattoo, the oak tree I always wanted, to symbolize the strength of family. Finally, I got to go to Disneyland at Christmas time! The lights and decorations were just like I imagined they would be. The magic in the air was even better than I remembered. And seeing such a wonderful crazy place through the eyes of my two boys was more than I expected.
This year was also a year for close friendships and strength. I grew more friendships this year than I have in my whole life combined. Together we ran races, put on awesome events, raised over $5000 for charity, got into great shape, contemplated running naked through the streets, climbed over buses and parked cars, earned medals, threw great parties, wore wedding dresses, watched two beautiful people get married, and supported each other in a way that I have never seen. This is what I am most proud of this year. Finding a group of women who don't judge, who have my back, and laugh at real things. We aren't afraid to be silly and we try not to take life too seriously. We are supportive and encouraging and always willing to help out.
Another great moment for me this year was when I decided to get serious about cupcakes and build my own commercial kitchen. It was scary, and still is, but also so rewarding and exciting. I have a great opportunity to make a living for my family on my own terms. I get to be creative at the job I love, everyday. My husband is also spending more time at home and less time working. A gift I will always cherish. Learning that wealth is not only measured by how much money you have is probably the lesson I am so thankful to have learned this year.
This year I am also learning that it's ok to let go. It's ok to let go of relationship, family, or friends. Life is too short to hang on to baggage, or to let people hurt you. Just because someone is family, doesn't mean they have a right to take away ANY of your sparkle. I feel so much freedom from discovering this.
Finally this year, we have gotten a new puppy! His name is Captain. After a long time wanting for a dog in my life, I finally convinced my husband! I now feel like our little family is complete. I didn't expect how much I would enjoy seeing the boys play with him, and want to take care of him.
Sometimes when I look back at my life, I am amazed by all the cool, super awesome, exciting things I have been able to do. I can't wait to see what is in store for me this year! It IS going to be a GREAT year!!
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