It's no secret now that I have been going through a hard time. And although I may look like I am holding it together on the outside, it's been a rough few months. Over the past year I have tried everything I can think of to relax. Since I was having nightmares, I started using lavender oil in my nightly bath and dabbing it on my pillow. (It worked) I swapped out my afternoon coffee with chamomile tea, I gave myself a bedtime, and tried to be more present in every day life. I have started using essential oils during the day to calm me down and I have been watching tv....in the afternoon. (Trying to ignore the 100 things still needing to be done.) I have stopped trying to be someone I am not and I have taken on much less responsibilities and started seeing a therapist. And for the most part, its worked well. But if any of you are familiar with anxiety, you can understand that sometimes, its not enough.
About a month ago I started having really bad panic attacks again. Despite everything I was doing, they crept back into my life like mold. There is nothing you can do when they hit. Your breathing gets harder because if feels like someone is sitting on your chest. You cant seem to take a deep breath, as hard as you fight for one. Your view of the world gets smaller as outside details become fuzzy. You cry and start to shake. There aren't enough essential oils or teas in the world that are going to calm you down. So what do you do?
After agonizing over it for a few weeks, I finally went to the doctor. She prescribed something. I didn't like it. I felt like a failure. I filled the prescription, but was sure I wasn't going to take them. I didn't want give in to drugs. I felt like I should be able to do this on my own. I should be strong enough. I should be able to talk myself out of it. I am stronger than this. But the truth is, I am not.... not right now. After talking to some close friends about it, they assured me that its ok to have help sometimes. I even found out that some had done it before at one point in their life. So I wanted to write about it. If for the only reason is to let other people know that they aren't alone. So many people hide it, for whatever reason and understandable so. We are all sitting there feeling alone with the same secret. I am not even sure why it's so hard to talk about, but it shouldn't be. But even if we don't talk about it, here it is. Know you are not alone.
PS: The drugs are not that bad and wouldn't you know it, I can breath again.
