Christmas officially begins in the Griffiths House

     Today is usually one of the happiest days of the year for me. It comes third after Christmas day and my birthday. Today, the Sunday after Remembrance Day, I am free to unleash the glitter gods and decorate my house for Christmas. I leap out of bed and go straight to the stereo. It isn't quite Christmas without the upbeat melodies of Michael Buble. The Lego Holiday Village takes its rightful place on the desk, the Christmas tree proudly stands adorned with years of glittered ornament making, the Holiday music can he heard from the street and the smell of bacon and waffles waft through the morning air. There is always a "Monica" moment from me, where I panic because the ornaments aren't being put in the right spot or there are too many gold balls and not enough red ones in the bottom corner. Its taken a few years for me to let go and allow others to help decorate the tree. Its a sacred thing! I still resist the urge to move them all around after the kids have gone to bed. 

 

     Even though I am surrounded by so much beauty and love, at the end of the day it feels like there is something missing. I know that the holidays are especially tough when important people are missing from your life. For me it is no different. Just because it was my choice to no longer have contact with my parents, doesn't mean I don't miss them. In fact, I don't miss them, I miss having parents. Real, loving parents who care for and support me. The feelings are stronger than ever this time of year. What I wouldn't give to have a family baking day with my kids grandparents. Learning all the family recipes, sharing family Christmas stories, seeing what it looks like to have three generations of people cooking in the same kitchen. Most people take this for granted. What I wouldn't give to have ten people sleeping here on Christmas Eve, eating cookies and drinking eggnog late into the night. Then waking up one by one after hearing the pitter patter of little feet, no doubt from my youngest son Austin, who is always first out of bed. What I wouldn't give.....

 

 

Mental Health Check

      After almost a year long struggle with anxiety and depression, I am so happy to say that for the most part, I am coming out of the fog. I feel committed to working out, eating better, and staying faithful to myself when it comes to self care. But just because I am feeling better, doesn't mean I forget. Depression, anxiety and suicide are things we just never talk about. Probably more than half of us are in the same boat or have been at least once in our lives, yet we never talk about it. We all struggle in silence. I will blog about this until the end of time if it means I can get one more person willing to talk about it. If I can reach out to one person today and let them know that they are not a lone and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, then my job is done.

 

      Some people don't even notice that they are depressed. They don't notice or they don't want to admit it to themselves. Either way, here are some signs to look for in yourself or your friends. If you notice even two of these, for the love of all of us, talk to them, get help, listen, bring them tea, anything.

 

Top signs that you might be suffering from depression. (From my own experiences, I am not a doctor)

 

*You sleep all the time, or can't sleep at all. Maybe you want to nap all day, can't seem to drag yourself off the couch, or stay in bed all night staring at the wall. I once asked my kids what they thought I was good at and they said "You are good at taking naps."

 

*You are over eating or under eating to the point that your weight may be changing. For me, I ate like food would never grow on this planet again. I once went to the pantry, opened a bag of chips and ate the entire bag without moving.

 

*You are crying. If you cry even once a week, you are probably suffering from depression. I used to cry for no reason at all. I just felt overwhelmed all the time.

 

*You are cancelling plans with friends for no real reason.

 

*You might be yelling at your kids or loved ones, or your coworkers, or your friends. You find yourself getting pissed off over little things that don't really matter.

 

* Your personal hygiene is poor or non existent. There were times when I wouldn't wash my hair for days. I couldn't bring myself to shower and I wore the same yoga pants for months. Forget about makeup or even pretending to look like I care.

 

      If any of these things ring true for you, its ok. Its not the end of the world, there is help, and you are not alone! Please start being honest with yourself and take the time to get help. No one will think less of you, in fact they will commend you for taking the time to look after yourself. Pretending like nothing is wrong will just get you deeper into the mess you are already in. If you can't talk to a friend, talk to your doctor. However, in my experiences once you start talking to your friends, you find out that all this time you were struggling alone, you could have struggled with a friend...we all share similar stories. Good luck, and I send you love and peace tonight.

Inspiration.

      I met Carleen in 2012. She was a Booty Camp newcomer but quickly became a beloved member of the team. She was quiet at first, like most new Booty Campers, but her smile lights up a room. It took a while to bring her out of her shell, sometimes she would go an entire workout without saying much at all. Once we cracked her shy exterior, there was no turning back! Carleen, like most of us, was working hard to get the body and health that she wanted. After many years of failed diets and exercise plans, you could tell that she was serious this time about her fitness goals. Her drive was apparent and motivated us all. In February of 2013 she joined the Booty Camp Girls in the very first Boudoir Rouge and proved to everyone that no matter what your shape or size, you can be SEXY! She danced on stage in little more than her underwear in front of 200 people and totally rocked it!

 

 

      We were all so sad when she had to move away to be with her amazing and supportive boyfriend Jason. And although we were losing such an amazing women, we made sure to keep in touch over the past couple of years. In this time she has continued to challenge herself and push the limits. She has inspired me to work harder, change habits, love yourself, and keep fitness as a number one priority. Carleen truly is an inspiration. This year she has signed up for her very first TRIATHLON, which takes place in Vancouver on September 7th. Even thought she only recently started riding her bike again, and is a little afraid of the swim in the open water, she is taking on the challenge like she does all others...with umph, gusto, laughs and smiles. I can't say this enough, I am so proud of her. I have been so privileged to call her my friend and to follow her fitness journey. She shows us all that with hard work and determination, anything can be done. Carleen, I wish you luck on Monday, not that you need it, on this first of many triathlons. Love ya! Now go kick some ass!!

 

 

 

S#!t My Family Says. Volume 2

This morning I was canning peaches with my kids and it prompted me to do another edition of "Shit My Family Says".  I will start with this mornings discussion.

1) Austin: "Mom can you give me a clean hand job?" (He was peeling the peaches and wanted a job that wouldn't get his hands dirty.)
Levi: "Austin, you can do the dishes, that is a clean hand job but careful of the soap, it can sometimes be a slippy hand job. You don't want my job, it's a sticky hand job." (It took every fiber of my being to keep from laughing.)

2) Levi: "Would you two just coopercate with each other?" (Arthur and I were arguing over something. I think he wanted us to cooperate... or communicate....)

3) Austin: "Mom I am not really cute. I would rather be called cool. That's ok with me."

4) Austin: "That's not my name you fool!" Said to the man in the cafeteria line up on the ferry. Austin was mistaken for Spiderman...since he was wearing the full suit.

5) Arthur: "Where is our bedspread?"
Me: "We don't have one... never have."
Arthur: "Yes, we have. Where is it?"
Me: "Ok, what colour is it?"
Arthur: (Long pause) "Bedspread colour."

6) Me to Levi: "We live in paradise."
Levi: "Mom, we aren't in Disneyland."

7) Austin: "Mom! Smell what was behind my ears!" (Oh the joy of living with boys.)

8) Austin: "Mom, I am NOT going in that cat pool." (Turns out he thought we were saying kitty pool and not kiddy pool.)

9) Levi: "Mom I was just checking my penis for cat hair." (um....)

10) Levi to Arthur: "Mom is like a polar bear. She is one of the most deadliest animals in the world."

11) Austin to Aunty Jen: "Aunty Jen, do you have crabs?" He was looking at her Pandora bracelet was wondered why there would be a crab on it.

12) Austin when I wanted him to have a shower: "Mom, I'm freaking clean!"

Loss

      Most days we go through life without a thought of its frailty. We wander through our days mad because our coffee order was wrong or angry with yourself because you forgot to take out the garbage. We get mad at husbands or kids, we work a million hours and we rush through life without a second thought of how fast it can be taken away. Most of us live each day consumed with all of the little things that we have going on that we tend to take the most important things for granted. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? When was the last time you truly enjoyed the view of a beautiful sunset?

 

     Today was a strange day. I was startled by something and instantly awake at 6am. I knew right away that something wasn't right. The air was thick and smelled like smoke. I popped my head out the open window and up to the orange sky. It was like a was looking at the world through orange coloured glasses. The ash that had been falling through the night still filled the air and the chorus of the morning birds were absent. The wildfire burning in Sechelt was making its presence known. Today I was fully aware. Aware of the danger we face, aware of the frailty of this land and the force of mother nature.

 

      For days my husband, a volunteer fireman, has been at the edge of his seat. Waiting for that call to action, he has been ready. Thousands of men and women across this province (and across Canada) have been working tirelessly to save our forests and homes. They are hero's. They put their lives aside and sacrifice for you and I. They work for hours in the heat and do very dangerous work, fighting to save the places that we call home. Today we lost a fighter. Not only did his family lose a father, a husband, a brother.. this community lost a hero. My heart was heavy and I felt sick to my stomach to hear the news. It hit too close to home. My husband called him a friend, a confidant and he was a great man. We have truly lost someone special. My heart breaks for his family, his co-workers, his friends, and everyone who knew him, for his warm smile will be missed by many. I wish there was something I could do for his family to somehow ease their pain. I find it so hard to wrap my head around this loss, it all feels so unreal. Like I will wake up tomorrow and it will all be a bad dream. If only it were that simple. Tonight I will hug my husband tighter. Tonight I will pray for and thank all those still fighting fires and I will pray for the family who lost such a shinning light today. My heart goes out to you.      

Owning fears.

     Fear. Its hiding in every one of us. It rears its ugly head at the most unexpected moments, stops us from doing fun things, and in some cases we pass on our fears to our kids. I am the first to tell you, I am afraid of many things, most of them irrational, like bouncy castles. But some fears are real and not uncommon, like my fear of deep water. I don't even know where it came from but it has always been with me. When my little ones were very young, I was worried that I was passing my fear onto them. Especially my youngest, who would always cling to me in the water. I knew that summer that I needed to change.

 

     So there I went, set out to overcome my fear. I knew it wouldn't be over night, it may even take years, but I was committed. The next time we went to the lake, I brought goggles. I spent half the day with my head in the water, just getting familiar with the underwater world. It really helped to make me feel more comfortable. There really wasn't anything scary down there. And lets face it, we are swimming in a lake in BC. There are no huge fish, sharks or whales...or anything big enough to take a bite out of me. Year after year, for the next three years, I worked at overcoming my fear. I talked myself into getting in for a swim off the boat, I jumped off the diving board at the pool and last year I got talked into tubing. I screamed the entire time.

 

     Today we went to the lake again and I knew that today was the day I would overcome. I would be able to cross something off my bucket list that I wasn't sure I ever would. "Own my fears" I waited until the end of the day, most people had already gone home and the lake was quiet. I took my lifejacket off and handed it to my husband and asked him to follow me in the boat...in case I couldn't make it. I set off on my swim. I swam 500 meters from the beach, across the water to a small island. It took me a while, I had to pause a couple times, but I did it!!! I finished, without panicking, I swam without help and I didn't die!! I can't tell you how it felt to touch the rocks of that island. I had overcome. I still feel proud and grateful to have done it. I share this victory with my friend Eli, who pushed me to face my fears every chance she got. Thank you!

 

 

Take a little time to relax.

    Over the past few months I have been making sure that I take the time to take care of myself, work less and really enjoy life. I am finding that its not always easy to do. Sometimes its just too easy to say "I will meditate tomorrow." Then tomorrow turns into next week and you find yourself wearing thin because you are no longer taking good care of yourself. This can especially be true in the summer time with BBQ's, birthdays, family dinners, and two busy little boys at home who often turn your living room into a wrestling ring. So today, without even a thought or a plan, I decided that we were all going to take some time out to relax. I jumped out of bed, packed a cooler full of fruit and snacks, and we headed to the beach without even having breakfast. I brought a book with every intention of reading while the kids played. And that I did. It was truly glorious. I felt so grateful in the moments after arriving. The air was warm and carried the fresh ocean breeze across my body as I sat with my toes in the cool sand. I read my book for almost two hours as the kids played in the sand and searched for crabs. I snacked on strawberries and felt the hot sun on my face. We ended the morning with a family swim in the cool ocean water and left at the perfect time, before the kids got too tired and sunburnt. It set the tone for the rest of the day. I could tell that the kids also felt the gratitude I was experiencing. We spent the rest of the day with happy smiles on our faces. I forgot how amazing it was to spend time like that. So carefree, no schedule, no plans, just fun.

 

 

 

Why I chose to medicate.

     Not that I feel like I owe anyone an explanation on this area of my life, but I am really tired of defending my choices. After a year of struggling with depression and anxiety, I made the decision to medicate. That was a month and a half ago and since then, my life has changed dramatically. I no longer sit in front of the tv and stare at nothing, I actually clean the kitchen counters, and I am starting to care about my body again. I can genuinely laugh when my kids are being silly, I can leave my house and go to a friends BBQ without sweating and picking at my nails, and I am even brushing my hair again. I did not know how bad things had gotten until I started to feel better. I have also been talking to friends about what I have been going through. Most people I talk to are very supportive and commend me for taking the huge step towards self care and a better life. There are some people who should just keep their mouth shut. It really bothers me when people say things like this:

 

"You should just stop thinking negative thoughts."

                                    "I was told that exercising twenty minutes a day is just as good as medication."

 

                 "Just be happy for what you have."

"Cut the negative people out of your life."

                                                                        "Just eat better and take care of yourself."

 

                 "Try yoga."                           

                                                              "Medication doesn't really do anything."

   "If you are medicated, you aren't really dealing with the real problem."

 

"I don't understand depression, just get over it."

 

      Until you have lived through it, you have no idea. Depression can hit anyone, any race, any sex at any moment in their life. Some don't even know what they are going through until they are so far down the rabbit hole they have no way of getting back. For me, I had tried all of the things you are supposed to try and I was just too tired to keep going. I was literally too tired to think a happy thought. Medication gave me the break in my head to have the ability to sleep, clear my head and be in control. Now I have the time and brain space to heal my wounds, process what I have gone through and become a better, stronger person. So if someone you know if suffering with depression or is on medication, please be careful with what you say unless you truly know what they are dealing with. Instead of offering your two cents, a simple hug will do.

 

 

  

The organic/non-GMO bandwagon.

Ignorance is bliss. I don't watch the news, I don't like to know who is at war, I don't want to know that my car is guzzling the last few drops of oil on the planet and I don't pay attention to what is in my food. If something important happens that I need to know about, Facebook will tell me. About four years ago I jumped on the gluten free bandwagon when I was diagnosed with celiac disease. This is when I started looking at what was in my food. Not because I was really concerned about it, but because I would suffer the wrath of gluten belly if I didn't. I was amazed at how many products had wheat in them, like milkshakes, chips, soy sauce, fake crab... the list goes on. I was not concerned about chemicals or GMO. 

 

Fast forward to a couple months ago. My husband was talking to a friend about Monsanto and the GMO uprising. I will admit that I knew what GMO stood for, but was so out of the loop that I didn't even know I was pronouncing Monsanto wrong. Anyway, he came home after that conversation all in a rage about what this company is doing. He was genuinely upset about the farmers and the fact that we were being served up this toxic cocktail without even knowing about it. After hearing him rant for about fifteen minutes, I stopped him and told him that if he really wanted to do something about it, we had to stop buying the products that support this mega giant. I went on to tell him that we would have to stop buying his favourite cereal, pop, chips...the list went on. Needless to say, it shut him up. But it got me thinking about what was really in our food. The more I researched, the more I was shocked at what I was eating on a daily basis. I could go on and on for days about the impact that GMO seeds are going to have on the future of this planet and our bodies. There is little to no research done on the long-term effects on our health, yet the amount of products that have GMOs in them is staggering. The top GMO crops in Canada and the USA are corn, canola, soy and sugar beets.  This means that cornflakes, cereals, anything with fructose, cornstarch, sugar, eggs, meats, canola oil, soy, or milk all have GMOs in them. And if you think the problem is worse in the USA, think again. 95% of canola crops of Canada are GMO.

 

The more my husband and I talked about it, the more he was on board and ready to change our lifestyle. He was more afraid of the price tag, since we are a low income family but I didn't care. I set out to make changes that were within out budget. We are a family of four and spend about $200 a week on groceries. We swapped out frozen juice for organic, our favourite chips for ones that are GMO free, we now enjoy organic GMO free cereals and we buy organic meat and produce whenever possible. There are some things that we just can't compromise on and I am ok with that. Like milk and eggs. (For now) Over the past month, our grocery bill has gone up only 20%. To me, that is a small price to pay. Because not only are we getting chemical free and GMO free foods, we are eating a lot healthier and wiser. We are really conscious of the amount of food we eat too. Instead of consuming four bags of chips a week, we only eat one of two. We buy a lot less ice cream and now make homemade popsicles.  And if you don't want to jump on the organic bandwagon, eat an organic carrot or banana! They are so good and actually taste like they are supposed to! I have also started gardening. My five year plan is to either grow or purchase locally, 80% of the produce we consume. Yes it takes time and effort, but its worth it in the long run. Growing my own food will save us lots of money in the future and I will be able to provide organic food that is free of chemicals to my growing family.  

 Thanks to my mother-in-law who planted raspberry bushes years ago, I now have two giant ziplock bags full or fresh picked organic berries in my freezer for my family to enjoy over the winter.

 

Do you know organic meats mean? I called a butcher to find out! It basically means that the animal is fed only organic grains. This means no GMOs. :)

 

I know that I live in a dream bubble here on the Sunshine Coast, where all of these changes are possible, but I believe the world is slowly shifting. Changes will be made, we just need to start opening our eyes to what is going on. We no longer live in a world where all food is safe, but there is hope with effort and education.

Taking care

Taking care of yourself. What does that even mean? Especially as a mom and wife.....

Over the past ten years I have been going, going, going. I kept so busy that I didn't even have time to think. Between being a mom of two busy boys and a self proclaimed "do it all junkie" I did not take the time for myself... never mind even pretend to know what that would look like. So here I am, one mental breakdown later, left with only myself to pick up the pieces. The past week I have been looking back, wondering how I can do things differently moving forward. First of all, I said I would take a whole year off and I am sticking to it. I will still run my business and I will still run my weekly bootcamps. I will not however, do much of anything else except perfect the art of self care.

Realizing that self care was needed in my life did not come overnight. Even just the words, "self care" were foreign to me. It made me think of selfishness. I was suffering from depression and anxiety attacks. (and would still be without the medication) I think these two go hand in hand. If you don't take care of your mind and body, it will fail you, you will suffer. They both also seem to follow the same stigma. Call it what you want, mental illness, depression, chronic fatigue.... They all get lumped into the category of things we don't talk about or acknowledge, along with self care. Yes, external factors were partly responsible for my mental breakdown, but I would not have gone as far down the rabbit hole if I were taking great care of myself.

I have come a long way in six months. I have learned to take time away from responsibilities, I have discovered the world of essential oils and the great things they can do, I have learned to meditate, be mindful and present, and I have learned that only I am responsible for the outcome of my life. I have an opportunity to either move forward with my past as part of me or let it control me. I chose life. I am learning that self care means more than just taking care of yourself. It means to let others do so as well. Realizing that I am worth the time of others is a huge step. I am worth a massage, I am worth a yoga class, I am worth the time and effort. It still sounds selfish to me, but my goal is to get over it. I believe my future depends on it. If I can't take care of myself, what sort of message and I sending my growing boys?? I would not want them to look at themselves the way I look at myself. Ever. And I know that if I am taken care of, I will be happier. I will be a better person to be around and be more focused for my growing family. So I leave you with this, you want a massage, a pedicure, a new book, a dinner out...? Whatever it is, treat yourself, because you are worth it. You, me, we are all worth the effort. No matter what you may be telling yourself.   

Another summer, another awesome to do list.

I am finally starting to feel human again! With the help of oils, teas, meditation, yoga, friends, my family, and drugs, I am starting to feel better and hopefully leaving the debilitating cloud of anxiety and depression behind me. So to celebrate and keep my eyes on the exciting future ahead, I am making another super awesome summer fun to do list.

1) Jump off a dock
2) Skinny dip
3) Do the colour run
4) Rub my sisters pregnant belly
5) Make a fort
6) Have a movie day
7) Have a family dinner in Edmonton (Judy, Brian, Carol, Ken, Abby, Jenny and Francis...this means you!)
8) Drink a Dr. Pepper Slurpee
9) Make a dress
10) Have a sewing day with the boys
11) Sleep in!!
12) Finish my backyard sign
13) Have a beach day
14) Watch the sunrise
15) Throw a BBQ
16) Build a Lego mansion
17) Write a kids book with the boys
18) Go camping
19) Catch a fish
20) Eat crab
21) Have a girls only camping weekend!
22) Get a massage
23) Bike ride 25km
24) Roast marshmallows
25) Dance in the rain
26) Find the perfect couch!
27) Finish my front outdoor patio
28) Build a sand castle
29) Go to beach I have never been before
30) Have a girls spa day at home
31) Canning! I see peaches, salsa and apple sauce in my future
32) Pick veggies from my garden
33) Paint my nails
34) Lay on a hammock and get lost in a book
35) Cook something totally new
36) Have a family bike ride to the store for ice cream (should probably do this a few times)
37) Share meals with friends...LOTS!
38) Relax
39) Go boating
40) Find my strengths again.... or find new ones.

Wish me luck!

Birthday week revelation.

This past week was my birthday week. I spent the entire week doing fun things and relaxing, much like what you would do on a birthday. I spent time at the park with my family, ate ice cream, had a sushi lunch with friends, went shopping for a new outfit, had a fun night out in the city, shaved off some hair and coloured some of it pink, and spent a whole day eating cake and drinking coffee. I also learned something very important. Far too often, life gets in the way and we forget how to have fun. Why is it that only one week a year we get to do these fun things and do things that make us feel good?! (Some people only give themselves one day!)

     I am now 34. I have had a couple bad years. I have lost a lot of "friends", cut contact with my parents and become a different person. Over the past few months I have been really dwelling on those losses. The loss of what I thought were close friendships was a hard pill to swallow. Dealing with a mother who is mentally ill and requires me to cut off all contact is a weird and deep loss to maneuver through. And in the process I have lost myself. I feel like I am no longer the confident, strong, glitter throwing Dallas Glittertush. And for months this has pained me. I kept focusing on who I wasn't and who I no longer had in my life and why. I somehow failed to see the amazing opportunity in front of me.

     Its true, that all of those things are lost and will never come back. But I somehow failed to see all of the amazing friendships that have gotten so much stronger. Without those losses, I may never have found my true soul sisters. These two women mean more to me than they will ever know. And new friends have emerged. Since cutting off contact with my parents, my family has gotten closer than ever. I have a relationship with my Aunt that was never there before and it means to much to me. I have learned what it truly takes to be a great parent. As for loosing myself....

     The person I was is gone. The over achieving, party planner, cheerleader, do-it-all queen is gone, but will always be a part of me. Now I get to figure out who I really am. I get to start over. So in doing that, I am starting with doing something every day that makes me happy....forever! Forget about birthday week, its a re-birth year. Thirty four is the year of the remake, self discovery and fun. The person I will become will not ever be the same as before, but stronger somehow. I am excited to see what fun really is for me and what achievement for ME really looks like. I may never plan another event for as long as I live, and I may never run another race, but I promise myself I will find what drives me and it may just be doing crafts with the kids all day or gardening but that's ok.

When to ask for help.

It's no secret now that I have been going through a hard time. And although I may look like I am holding it together on the outside, it's been a rough few months. Over the past year I have tried everything I can think of to relax. Since I was having nightmares, I started using lavender oil in my nightly bath and dabbing it on my pillow. (It worked) I swapped out my afternoon coffee with chamomile tea, I gave myself a bedtime, and tried to be more present in every day life. I have started using essential oils during the day to calm me down and I have been watching tv....in the afternoon. (Trying to ignore the 100 things still needing to be done.) I have stopped trying to be someone I am not and I have taken on much less responsibilities and started seeing a therapist.  And for the most part, its worked well. But if any of you are familiar with anxiety, you can understand that sometimes, its not enough.  

About a month ago I started having really bad panic attacks again. Despite everything I was doing, they crept back into my life like mold.  There is nothing you can do when they hit. Your breathing gets harder because if feels like someone is sitting on your chest. You cant seem to take a deep breath, as hard as you fight for one. Your view of the world gets smaller as outside details become fuzzy. You cry and start to shake. There aren't enough essential oils or teas in the world that are going to calm you down. So what do you do?

After agonizing over it for a few weeks, I finally went to the doctor. She prescribed something. I didn't like it. I felt like a failure. I filled the prescription, but was sure I wasn't going to take them. I didn't want give in to drugs. I felt like I should be able to do this on my own. I should be strong enough. I should be able to talk myself out of it. I am stronger than this. But the truth is, I am not.... not right now. After talking to some close friends about it, they assured me that its ok to have help sometimes. I even found out that some had done it before at one point in their life. So I wanted to write about it. If for the only reason is to let other people know that they aren't alone. So many people hide it, for whatever reason and understandable so.  We are all sitting there feeling alone with the same secret. I am not even sure why it's so hard to talk about, but it shouldn't be. But even if we don't talk about it, here it is. Know you are not alone.

PS: The drugs are not that bad and wouldn't you know it, I can breath again.

The Happiness Project.

       A friend of mine lent me this book, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Three of us are reading it together as part of a mini book club. I was intrigued. Who doesn't want to be happier? I grew up in an unstable home with the thought that happiness was unattainable for us. I see it much more clearly now that I look back as an adult. My life was always lived focusing on the negative, what could go wrong will, we could never get what "they" have, and so on. I spent most of my teenage years in a cloud of depression and uncertainty. I have recently faced my demons from my past. After going no contact with my toxic parents, memories of abuse and neglect came rushing back in broken pieces. Fragments of a life I had tucked away as a child, now being played in my mind like a movie I couldn't turn off. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I know that it's a life long process of self discovery that will heal these wounds. One thing it has made me realize is that all these fears I have about not being able to be successful, valued and happy are learned. They are not real and can be overcome. I work on it everyday. It takes time and patience, and a whole lot of effort. Like everything else, you can't just let time pass and hope it works itself out. You have to work at it, everyday. 

       I have everything I ever thought I wanted. I am married to a wonderful man, we have a home that we built together, I have two beautiful healthy boys, and a job I love. I also have my health, friends that I can count on and I do all the things that experts say will make you happy, like exercising and eating right. So why aren't I?? Don't get me wrong, I have happy days and do things that make me happy on a regular basis. But if you were to ask me on a regular day at any given time, "Are you happy?" I would probably say no. I am too busy being overwhelmed with grocery lists and meal plans, laundry, kids schedules, cleaning the desk that has been swallowed with paperwork for as long as we owned it...the list goes on. So when my friend told me about this book, I said YES PLEASE! after only hearing the title. 

       The main thing I took away from the first couple of chapters, was that clutter can make you unhappy. And it makes total sense! She lists so many different kinds of clutter, like bargain clutter, sentimental clutter and brain clutter. I had not realized how much my life had been consumed with clutter. So for this month I am setting to work. I am going to de-clutter my life. I started with the bathrooms. I literally dumped out every drawer and only put back what I use. I filled a large garbage bag with garbage and filled another one for the thrift store. It felt so amazing! Now every time I walk into the bathroom I smile and am comforted by the fact that the drawers are clean and if I were to open the cupboard, the toilet paper and towels would stay in there and I would be able to close it again after getting what I needed. Day by day I will continue with this insurmountable task until it is done. I feel happy just thinking about it!