Mommy guilt.

Last night before I went to bed, I had a complete mommy guilt breakdown. I was looking at pictures from a couple of years ago, when my babies were still babies. I made me really realise how fast time is flying by. I am on a speeding train with no way of getting off to smell the flowers. Levi's once gaping hole where his two front teeth used to be is now crowded with chicklet looking adult teeth. Austin's adorably soft and curly baby locks are gone forever. 

Not long after Levi was born, I got bored and was a little lost. I was used to working with people all the time, being out every day, and staying busy. Now I was a mom. It was hard for me to get used to. I spent the next six years looking for something more. Something to make me more than just a mom. 

I spend countless hours sewing clothes to sell for other people. I went to craft fairs, sewed clothes for friends and sold online. It was great. My husband and I designed and built our home. I started a non-profit group and run a free boot camp twice a week. I bake cakes, I make gluten free food out of the kitchen I dreamed of. I have helped organize countless events, painted murals, put on my own art show, and redesigned my house room by room. I have run races, worked at a "real" job and over the last couple years, choreographed over 20 songs for the Boudoir Rouge. 

In all the action of my crazy life, I forgot to be present in what mattered most. I feel that I was so busy the past few years, trying to find out what was missing in my life, only to realize that I had it all along. I somehow feel like I missed out on the baby stages. They are growing up to be little people with opinions and things to say. I don't know how or even when it happened, but it did. They are growing out of clothes, toys and books. Their favourite baby books are being replaced with robot chapter books. They don't need me to cuddle them as much any more and they want to spend more time with their friends. They are even reading! Levi will be taller than me before I know it. Even his face has changed so much since September. 

I wish so much that I could turn back time, or even just stop it for a little while. I want to pick up my little babies and smell that new baby smell, content with just that. I want to take back all the nights I missed because I was too busy focusing on everyone else. But since I can't do that, the only thing I can do is move forward with this, and these thoughts. Move forward without forgetting this feeling. Be present in their lives today, right now. There is a balance. Yes, I still need to keep part of myself and not let that get lost, but now I can let everything else go....and just be a mom.