Seeing clearly.

 6 years ago I was a busy business owner, kid-less, and three days away from marrying the man of my dreams. My life was manageable, successful, and clear. My hard work was payed off with a bigger paycheck and I thought I had things figured out.

Fast forward to today, no longer a business owner, still married, and now with two boys, ages 3 and 5. For the past few years I have been struggling to adjust to my role as a "mom". I mean, lets face it. Who wants to work at a job where there is not real pay, the boss is noisy and whines all the time, throws tantrums at any given moment and pees in your bed??  It was very hard for me to go from business woman who was known in the community, to mommy. And every since my first born was old enough to crawl, I have been grasping at straws to get back to that. I needed to find success again. I worked for countless hours on plans do it. I would try something, and when that didn't work, I would try something else. I was too busy to realize that what I was doing, being a mom, is pretty amazing in itself. Again I was too focused on the goal to appreciate the journey. But today I have realized something and have changed the definition of success. Although choosing to raise a family is not everyone's choice, it was my choice. For now anyway, I am not that woman who wears heels to work, or drives a nice car, (or even a clean car for that matter) I don't own flashy things, I don't get sales awards, and I don't get to live a carefree lifestyle. But as my kids get older, they teach me more about life, and that is something that is hard to learn from just any job. They are teaching me to be patient, content, and I am learning the real value of life. The value of a warm bed and cute little voices in the morning, the value of the love I feel at the end of a hard day, stepping on a LEGO is ok because it means my kids are playing, and knowing that no matter what, this little family loves me. I am so grateful to have them in my life, today more than ever. There is no other person in the world who knows me like my husband does and I think that's pretty cool. We have made a home for ourselves and I somehow failed to recognize that as a job well done. Together we have made so many decisions about the kids and life in general, and have not once come close to killing each other. And even though there are no awards for that (sometimes there should be) I can appreciate the accomplishment.

So for now, I may be giving up dreams or just putting them on hold, only to realize new ones.

Re-wired

I fully believe that becoming a mother somehow changed the wiring in my brain forever.  When my first screaming bundle of joy came shooting out of my not so privates, he somehow took parts of my brain with him. The very minute you become a mother, your life changes forever. For me that moment was when I held my son in my arms. (Even typing this, five years later, it still sounds weird....my son...) You are now responsible for a human being...in every way. You start to look at things differently, you act differently, you even talk differently. Here are some of the main examples of how life as I knew it was different.

1) Everything was dangerous. Is that bottle too hot? Your hands have germs, bleach them. The sun is out, I need SPF 50, a hat, sunglasses, and umbrella, and a sun suit. You buckle them in, check it twice, and everyone is driving too fast. You will stop at every corner to make sure they haven't choked, check on them in the night to make sure they are still breathing, even wake them up to make sure they are still alive. The world becomes a wild jungle of death!

2) Sleep becomes the holy grail. I sometimes find myself wishing it was Saturday...on a Monday, just because I know there is a slight chance that I will get to sleep in. I often wake up in the morning and can't wait for bedtime, just so I can go back to bed. And don't even think about catching a little cat nap while your kids are quietly watching a movie. They have some kind of radar that lets them know the exact moment you are asleep so they can raid the pantry and pour a box of baking soda on your living room floor. Full night sleeps don't exist....ever.

3) Simple tasks become increasingly difficult. Like math, or any logic, really.  I don't even bother to do the banking anymore. "Just add GST to the price." They say, like it's no big deal. Or "Whats 12 times 3?" QUIT HARASSING ME!

4) Grocery shopping becomes more fun, because I get to plan the meals. Extra grocery money for the week is even more exciting and grocery shopping on my own....there are no words that can explain the thrill of grocery shopping without a screaming child, strange looks from passerby's, or someone pulling everything and anything into the cart.

5) Things that never mattered before get you over the moon with delight now. Like a hot shower, or a hot meal. New socks and underwear, two hours of sleep without someone crying, coffee, a clean load of laundry, or even a new scent of dish soap. A cupcake and a cup of coffee in a quiet house at 7am is like winning the lottery.

6) You care less and less about personal hygiene. There are so many times I have left the house thinking, I really should wash my hair.... Or those times when you catch a glimpse of yourself in a reflection and think, did I really leave the house like that?! I started growing my hair long just so I don't have to go get it cut all the time, and it's much easier to throw in a ponytail for those mornings when I don't have time to brush it. Which, lets face it, is every morning.

I am sure there are more examples, but my now tiny brain can't remember them. Even though my life may seem like a total train wreck, I love my boys and my little family with all my heart. The little "I love you" in their tiny voices seem to make up for all the craziness, poop, and sleepless nights.

It's all about the journey

One year ago, I set out to lose 30lbs. That was my goal, and I was determined to accomplish it. I grabbed a friend of mine and we began working out. It started by us going to the gym together a couple days a week, then gradually increased. We decided that if we wanted drastic results, we needed to do drastic things. One day I planned a mini boot camp for us to do. She cursed me the entire time and we hardly made it through the workout. That was the beginning of one of the most amazing things that have every happened in my life.

Although I am not even close to my goal, I am realizing more and more that it's not reaching the goal that matters, it's the journey.  From that one boot camp, we decided to do it twice a week. Tuesday and Thursday was our night to shine. It didn't take long for friends to notice that we were losing weight and wondered what it was we were up to. Before long, our group of two turned into a group of fifteen. These amazing women have given me more than they will ever know.  I feel like we have a connection that no one can break. Each of them will hold a special place in my heart. We were almost are in the same boat, struggling to fit in to our jeans, unhappy with our self image, shy, and unhealthy. Over the past year we have been able to give each other confidence, support and love, not to mention, we ARE BRINGING SEXY BACK, BITCHES! These women have given me confidence that is unmeasurable. They made it possible for me to live out my bucket list fantasy and dance in a burlesque show, they made it possible for me to buy a small sized dress...and wear it! I have made new friends, life long friends, and we continue to create bonds together. I went from having a few close friends, to a team of women who have got my back! We are a force to be reckoned with!

Yes, goals are important. For me, a life without goals doesn't even make sense. But the journey you take to reach your goals is far more important. So instead of getting caught up in "getting to the finish line", take a minute and realize the amazing things you are doing right now, celebrate the small victories and thank the people along the way who help you get there.

Endless thank yous go out to my Booty Camp Girls. Can't imagine life without you.