Mommy guilt.

Last night before I went to bed, I had a complete mommy guilt breakdown. I was looking at pictures from a couple of years ago, when my babies were still babies. I made me really realise how fast time is flying by. I am on a speeding train with no way of getting off to smell the flowers. Levi's once gaping hole where his two front teeth used to be is now crowded with chicklet looking adult teeth. Austin's adorably soft and curly baby locks are gone forever. 

Not long after Levi was born, I got bored and was a little lost. I was used to working with people all the time, being out every day, and staying busy. Now I was a mom. It was hard for me to get used to. I spent the next six years looking for something more. Something to make me more than just a mom. 

I spend countless hours sewing clothes to sell for other people. I went to craft fairs, sewed clothes for friends and sold online. It was great. My husband and I designed and built our home. I started a non-profit group and run a free boot camp twice a week. I bake cakes, I make gluten free food out of the kitchen I dreamed of. I have helped organize countless events, painted murals, put on my own art show, and redesigned my house room by room. I have run races, worked at a "real" job and over the last couple years, choreographed over 20 songs for the Boudoir Rouge. 

In all the action of my crazy life, I forgot to be present in what mattered most. I feel that I was so busy the past few years, trying to find out what was missing in my life, only to realize that I had it all along. I somehow feel like I missed out on the baby stages. They are growing up to be little people with opinions and things to say. I don't know how or even when it happened, but it did. They are growing out of clothes, toys and books. Their favourite baby books are being replaced with robot chapter books. They don't need me to cuddle them as much any more and they want to spend more time with their friends. They are even reading! Levi will be taller than me before I know it. Even his face has changed so much since September. 

I wish so much that I could turn back time, or even just stop it for a little while. I want to pick up my little babies and smell that new baby smell, content with just that. I want to take back all the nights I missed because I was too busy focusing on everyone else. But since I can't do that, the only thing I can do is move forward with this, and these thoughts. Move forward without forgetting this feeling. Be present in their lives today, right now. There is a balance. Yes, I still need to keep part of myself and not let that get lost, but now I can let everything else go....and just be a mom. 

My gluten free journey.

About three years ago I was diagnosed with celiac disease. My life was turned upside down in more ways than I could count! After ditching the wheat, I had more energy, my constant tummy troubles that plagued me since childhood mysteriously disappeared, and I was even thinking more clearly.  I no longer felt sluggish all day and it felt like I had a new lease on life. But the romance of it all quickly dissipated once I realized all the things I would have to now live without. Things like juicy A&W burgers, cake, egg rolls, Chinese food, fish and chips, doughnuts, half of the chocolate bars out there, French bread, chicken fingers, cinnamon buns, noodles, perogies, Aunt Ruth's favourite Christmas treats.... I could go on all night . I spent a year cheating on myself with the occasional wheat binge in the closet, followed by a couple of days of tummy aches and a really grumpy attitude. There were just certain things I could not live without! I decided that I was going to work really hard to find or make alternatives that tasted like the real thing. 

On my quest to find comparable replacements, I discovered that they came at a price! Anything labelled "gluten free" was code for expensive and with brick like texture. I began to make everything. For two years I spend hours researching and testing recipes, countless dollars on ingredients and many nights serving my family puck like breads and desserts. There was one night that my then three year old son bit into a bun and it cut his lip. (I cried right there at the dinner table.)  I also credit most of my success to my sister, who in the same boat, was able to point me in the direction of all the best recipes. Here are some tips I have learned along the way.

* Do not let over complicated gluten free cook books scare you. Google is your friend!

* Gluten is everywhere and is found using disguises all over the place. Who knew "caramel colour" or "smoke flavour" also meant gluten in most cases? 

* If you are going to a pot-luck, BBQ, wedding or dinner party, eat before you go, or confirm beforehand that there will be gluten free food available. I can't tell you how many times I have gone somewhere for dinner and only eaten corn chips and water all night. (Or if you are like my sister, just pack your own picnic!)  

* Just because a restaurant says something is gluten free on the menu, does not mean that it is. Most people don't understand how important it is to use separate utensils and most people don't understand what gluten free really means. Sure the bread for your burger is gluten free, but the bacon is not.

* When eating out, NEVER assume that something is gluten free. Things like milkshakes should be gluten free.......  I learned this is not always the case.

* Be prepared to do a lot of cooking at home! 

* Make your own flour mixes! The ones I have found on the market today are filled with stuff I can't pronounce and packed with other thickeners that are not good for you.

* Gluten free does not mean healthy! Just because you are eating gluten free does not mean you get out of reading labels. In fact, a high percentage of gluten free products are filled with added sugar and fat to make up for the missing flour. 

* If you are going to make bread, forget everything you know about baking bread. The process is completely different! 

* Don't just replace everything with rice! Branch out to different flours and pastas, like quinoa pasta. 

* It does not have to be expensive. Like soy sauce!! Most of them are $6 a bottle because they are gluten free. I found one that was not even advertised as gluten free for less than $3! (The bottle does say gluten free in small print!

Last but not least, do not get discouraged! There is a lot of information out there and there are a lot of people (way more than there was two years ago!) who have already done the trail and error for you. If you are new to the gluten free world, ask your friends, they are bound to know at least one or two people who have gone through this process and are willing to share tips and ideas. I am always willing and excited to talk gluten with newbies. Good luck!

For my friends

When I was growing up I was taught that friends are not important. I was always told that friends are people who would stab you in the back the first chance they got, were only looking out for themselves, and are not worth the time. My mom would say, "You will always have me and your family." I grew up believing it. Turns out, all of that was a huge steaming pile of shit.

This has been a bit of a tough year for me. In the new year I lost all hope for any further relationship with my parents. They started a battle they could never win and for the safety of my boys and the solidarity of my marriage, I walked away.  Later in the year we lost my uncle, and a few months after that my aunt passed away. This past month, things are changing again. My husband, who has always been the breadwinner, was out of work for too long. We were charging groceries to the credit card and watching as out debt rose to an uncomfortable level. I started working for the first time in six years. My friends have been there for me every step of the way. They have offered help with the kids, an ear, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to hug me. My friends have taught me that I am not and will never be alone. They have encouraged me and cared for me. They have reassured me in times of despair and never ever tried to stab me in the back.

This week has been difficult for my family and my friends have again shown me how awesome they are. I am constantly humbled by the love and support around me. I want to say and extra thank you to my best friend, who took my son when Arthur had a fire call, and brought him to me at work for some much needed mommy cuddles. Thank you to my mother-in-law for taking Austin so we could focus on Levi in his time of need. Thank you to a beautiful shinning soul who brought me a meal in jar, just because. That meal came at the absolute perfect time. Thank you to the friend who cleaned my kitchen table so that I could actually see it for the first time in two weeks. Thank you to my new friend who offered support and her services as a babysitter so I can run next weekend. Thank you to my neighbour/friend who came to the rescue to watch the kids so Arthur and I could get an hour out on a Friday night. Thank you to the friend who offered a full day of fort building and face painting for my kids so Arthur and I could reconnect. Thank you to the friends who think of me for their families cake and cupcake needs. Your support is so much appreciated. Thank you to the friends who listened and allowed me to bounce ideas off them. Thank you to the friends who didn't let me miss a workout this week because they knew I needed it.

I can say with 100% certainty and with every fibre of my being, that friends are worth the time and they ARE important.  

I have joined the ranks.

I have been many things.  I have spent some time as a know it all, bank teller, a waitress, Subway restaurant owner, a diva, a booboo fixer, taxi driver, and now I can add something very special. I have joined the ranks of "SUPERHERO" Yes that's right, I am now a working mother.

When I had my boys it was decided that one of us would always be home with them. Even as they grew up and were in school, we wanted someone to be available to them all the time. Someone to pick them up and make them chicken soup when they are not feeling well, someone to call in sick on a snow day, or just to walk them to the classroom...every day. I just always assumed that person would be me. It wasn't until recently that things changed. My husband Arthur is now that person and I have taken on the momentousness task of becoming a superhero.

I am lucky. I love my job. Mind you, it's only been three shifts, but this job was meant for me. I get to pick out cute clothes every day, have a reason to wear make-up and brush my hair every morning, and I get to work with people. I get free coffee and the food there is awesome too!

As the days go on, I realize why working mothers are graced with the title of superhero. This is how things have changed...and in some cases, stayed the same:

* The time I get to spend with my kids is fleeting. So those moments are spent with 100% appreciation for the crazy little people they are.

* I still have to do the dishes, make the meals, get the laundry done and clean the house.

* I no longer fold bed sheets or towels. They get crammed into the closet. I also gave up on matching socks. Who the hell has time for that?!

* My needs come last...for now.

* I feel great pride in being able to support my family.

* I love not being the boss! But there are times when that diva poker her head out and wants to make changes or do things differently!

* It is amazing how fast I can do my hair and make-up, make two lunches and breakfast for four people, all the while playing referee to two boys who are fighting for the galaxy!

* I drink an obscene amount of coffee.

* I value more all the things I get to do, like spending time dancing, boot camp with my closest friends, or time watching tv with my husband.

* I turn into a pumpkin at around 10pm.

* I now pick my shoes based on how much I think my feet will hurt after a shift. There is no sitting down at work.

* I miss my kids when I am away from them more than usual.

* Money spent is now judged by hours worked. Like dinner out is an entire day worth of work?!

*  My brain really wont turn off now!

* I bit off more than I can chew.... but that is pretty typical with me. And I will come out on top, smiling, because I always do.

*  I will still dance three nights a week, do boot camp twice a week, raise money for the food bank, bake cakes, teach my kids how to have fun, be a wife, a mother, and now a superhero, because these are all things I love. Yes, I might go crazy, but I can sleep when I am dead! No one will ever say I wasted this life away. It was a gift given to me, and continues to be given everyday... I will not squander it.

S#!t my family says.

I have two little boys (and one big boy) that live in this house. I often feel outnumbered amidst the swirls of poop talk, smelly farts, and general rowdy behaviour. There are many times that I will just shake my head and walk away. My boys have a way with words to say the least. So here is a list of random things that have come out of the mouths of my sweet 4 and 6 year old boys.

• "This is a high pedestrian zone!" Levi yelled at me because he felt I was going too fast....in the driveway.
• "I'm parched."
• "Whoa! Naked Woman, put on a boob cover." From my 6 year old as I had just gotten out of bed at 6am.
• "I like my collar up, it makes me look handsome." Both of my boys have said a variation of this.
• "I am starving! Like a cow wanting to be milked." Not sure about that one... Thanks Austin.
• "Mom, I know why your tummy hurts." 
• Me: "Why?"
• "Because you are making a baby!"
• Me: (laughing) "Um no."
• "But then why is your belly so squishy?".... and there goes my self-esteem. Someone bring me chocolate!
• "You look sexy!" Self-esteem somewhat restored. 
• "Can I have a tutu? It's really more like a fancy belt. Boys are allowed those."
• "Does peanut butter come from bears?" Austin figured it must, since there is a bear on the container.
• "You know I am not in the mood for this!" Levi was mad about me trying to talk to him about how wrong it was to hit his brother.
• "It's all com-apart-able." 
• "I'm black toast intolerant." They are also lactose intolerant. 
• "You can't eat flowers. But worms are ok, right mom?"
• "Mom, the volcano poops are coming!"
• "My skin is bubble vaporizing." It was a really hot day and he was worried that he had a sun burn.
• "MOM! Smell my body."
• "I don't want the lemonade you fool!"
• "Girls love flowers. Put a pretty flower on anything and the girls will love it."  

I have saved the best for last. The other day, Levi came out of my bathroom with one of my tampons. He had unwrapped it and was "testing it".

"Mom! These are so awesome! What a great design! Do you see how the sponge part gets pushed out? You could use this for so many things?! I would like to know who invented them!"

A couple days later he was in my bathroom with a cut on his foot. The perfect opportunity to use one of these amazing inventions! Now I have to hide them.

Canning 101!

It's that time of year again! Fresh garden fruits and veggies and being processed and canned for the winter. I love, love this time of year!! The leaves are falling and the cool air brings the promise of wool socks, schedules, roasted veggies and the crackle of the wood fireplace. I have been canning for the past 7 years. Not because I love it, but I love that I can support a local farm and provide fresh fruit/veggies for my family throughout the winter. Call me crazy, but I like knowing where my food comes from and what is in it! Plus it's a lot cheaper than buying it in the store. Plus I have always been one to prepare and nest. A lot of people have asked me how to can, and even though I always welcome the help and someone to talk to, it doesn't always work out that way. So here is a little bit of how I can, step by step, and a few tried and true recipes. This may not be the best way, but this is how I was taught.

First of all, I have to say thank you to my friend Karla and her store, The Seasoned Kitchen. (http://www.theseasonedkitchen.ca/) She urged me to get a knife sharpener and am I ever thankful that she did! I could not imagine slicing 20lbs of tomatoes with a dull knife!

I use a pressure cooker for all my canning. I do this because that is how I was taught. I believe it's faster....even faster with two of them. So here is what you need to start:

• A shallow baking dish. 
• A pressure cooker
• Kettle
• A small pot
• Tongs
• A can lifter. (My technical term of course)
• Silicone oven mitts! ( I use silicone because you can get them wet and the steam wont burn you through the mitt)
• Jars with lids
• A canning funnel
• Sharp knives!
• Old towels 
• Whatever fruit, veggies, or fish you want to can! 

To get ready, I fill the baking dish with about an inch and a half of water, place it in a 200degree oven. This is where I put the washed jars while they wait to be filled. (After they are washed with soap and water.)

This is when I also fill the cooker with 3 litres of boiling water and lay out my towels, one for when they come out of the canner, and one for when I am filling the jars. Now you are ready! For this, I will show you how I made pickled jalapeños. (At the end I will post a couple other recipes.) 

You can slice the jalapeños however you want. Just make sure you do not touch your face, or anything else, while you are slicing and handling them. Wash your hands with soap and water when you are done. If you want them to be a little on the mild side, make sure you remove any seeds and white parts.  Next you are going to make the brine. I used this recipe and it was enough for 8-125ml jars.

• 2 cups white vinegar
• 2 cups water
• 2 TBSP salt
• Sliced garlic
• 1 TBSP honey

Mix everything in a pot and boil. Let simmer for 10 minutes. Once you have finished slicing, pack the jalapeños into the hot jars. 

Now is when you boil your lids before you put them on the jars. I boil mine for about 5 minutes. Fill the jars with your brine, leaving about a half inch from the top. Use a knife or chopstick to poke around the jar to get any air bubbles out. Be sure to wipe the rim of the jars before placing the lids on to make sure you get a good seal. Place the rings on, not overly tight. Now you are ready to place them in the pressure cooker! For mine, it takes a total of 20 minutes to process. 

Once they are done and the pressure is released from your cooker, they can be carefully removed. Place them on the towel and leave them to cool overnight before handling them. Then you can wash and store the jars.

This process is the same, whether you are doing salsa, peaches, pickles...whatever. Just the recipes change. 

Peaches:

For peaches, there are lot of recipes out there that say you have to make a syrup. I find this to be a waste of time. I always peel, pit and slice them, pack the jar full, put in a 1/4 cup of sugar per one pint jar, and fill with boiling water. (I use a butter knife in the jar when I pour the water in.) That is all. The peaches turn out amazing and fresh! You could also add brandy if you want. 

Salsa:

• 8 cups diced tomatoes (I used Roma)
• 2 1/2 cups diced green onion
• 1 1/2 cups diced green peppers
• 1 jalopeno 
• 6 cloves of garlic, diced
• 2 tsp cumin. I have also used 3 TBSP of Epicure's seasoning for Chipotle, Bacon and Cheddar dip. It adds a nice smoky flavour.  
• 2 tsp pepper
• 1/8 cup canning salt (Course salt)
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 1/3 cup vinegar
• 1 can tomato sauce
• 2- 5.5oz cans of tomato paste.

Mix everything in a giant pot and bring to a boil. Let simmer for 10-15 minutes. Fill hot jars and process. 

Happy Canning!!!

Camping trip 2014

This years trip began like any other... me stressed to the hills, frantically cramming every last thing into the trailer, cooking meals, baking and decorating cakes at the last minute, and jumping into the truck at the very last second.  Toothbrush in hand, shirt on backwards and my hair still un-brushed from the night before, I made it with most of my sanity still intact.

We began our trek to Osoyoos in the 26 degree heat. (Thank god for air conditioning!) The kids, the dog, and even the mother-in-law were all well behaved along the way. A quick stop in Hope for dinner, the same restaurant every time, and we were back on the road. We arrived at Haynes Point Osoyoos at 8:30pm.....31 degrees. This was the real start to our holiday, and this is what we accomplished/learned along the way:

1) Even though I don't make sense sometimes, Arthur always listens and tries to make me happy.
2) Bring a bike to ride and your kids will be happy. They never get tired of that!
3) Arthur beat me at chess and won't have a rematch! (For fear that I will kick his ass, the last match was close)
4) Kids who are camping consider 5am to be sleeping in....I do NOT!
5) Big hugs with close family is always as good as you remember.
6) A jump in a warm lake will cure just about any case of the grumpies.
7) Since we had other kids to play with, I only saw my kids when they were hungry or injured.
8) Austin likes to hide his injuries. Like when he got a stick to the ass that went through his pants. There is still a little hole there.
9) I read an entire novel in just over 24hours.
10) I get extra warm and fuzzies from buying from a real farm. 100lbs of potatoes, practically straight out of the ground, from a third generation farm.
11) We also got peaches, apples, tomatoes, and onions from a 4th generation fruit stand.
12) I have a fuck ton of canning to do.
13) Our dog loves Arthur more than me. He slept with his head on his lap the entire trip.
14) I picked jalapeños from Arthur's cousins garden and it has inspired me to have my own garden next year.
15) I want to sell everything and move to a farm in Grand Forks! (But that will never happen. lol When Arthur built our house, he wanted to put in an elevator for when the day comes he is too old to walk up the stairs.)
16) Little boys who stay up late and wake up early are prone to grumpy moods....This is also true for husbands.
17) We took 5 trips to various grocery stores for food and stuff we either ran out of or completely forgot.
18) I am so thankful that Arthur is the weird man he is. He is the only man I know who will bring a generator and the coffee maker camping, so we can have fresh coffee every morning....and once at the ferry terminal in the rain on the way home.
19) My kids are growing up so fast! They hardly needed me on this trip, which was a good thing, but still sad.
20) Arthur and I should not be allowed into Costco! But I am thankful to have a full pantry and freezer....and Halloween costumes for the boys!
21) As much as I hate the ferry, Vancouver traffic, and trying to get home, I am always happy to get home. And since we came home a day early, I have a full day to drink coffee in my jammies, eat peaches to my hearts content, and soak up the cool, rainy, September air.

A lesson in fitness

When I first started working out, my goal was to get thinner. Now two years later, it is way beyond that. I work out to get strong, fast, healthy and to love my body. I find great pride and confidence in doing something that I could not do last year, last month, or even yesterday. Things like running a half marathon, dancing in a burlesque show, running in a sports bra, and today, running in shorts. I have had the privilege of watching friends blossom into self confident women. I have seen them say things like "I am not a runner." and then watching them leap over the finish line at their first half marathon. I have seen women run slow and never quit, and pushing themselves to run their first 10km. I have seen these women, who now proudly run in sports bras and shorts, never give up and always be proud of their body. So as their leader, I could not sit on the sidelines and not join the "shorts club".

Yesterday, I said screw it! I am going to be confident, I am going to run in shorts and be proud! So, I spent $50 on a pair of real running shorts. Light weight fabric, sleek and fancy. I was stressed about the price tag, but I figured if I was going to buy shorts, I should buy the right kind for the job. I would in fact get a ton of use out of them....

So here I was this morning, ready for my first run in my new shorts. Sports bra-check, music-check, drank lots of water and had a good breakfast-check, runners-check, good attitude-CHECK, new shorts-CHECK! Off I went with my running parter, Captain. (our faithful dog) At first, it felt so good. Running without a care that I was practically naked and people were driving and walking past. It was in fact a beautiful sunny day and there were lots of people about. I ran leaping strides as Captain and I ran down the hill to the main road. I had run about a quarter of the way, when something very uncomfortable started to happen. My shorts began to ride up the crotch. Now if you know me at all, or have seen me in the Boudoir Rouge show, you know that my thighs are on the larger side. (I am not complaining, I love every part of my weird body.) They began their very own cheering squad, clapping together as I ran. That, combined with them ridding up, started to get a little painful when they rubbed together. (Yes, this is embarrassing. lol) I thought if I ran faster it might help. So there I was running for my life. I don't know if it was out of fear so people driving by didn't have the chance to see me or it just felt so damn good to run fast. Maybe a combination. That didn't really work. By now I am just over half way through my run. I thought that maybe if I ran with a little wider stance that might work! Give the girls a little more room to move past each other without high fiving every time. I MUST have looked like an idiot. And all it did was mess up my form. It wasn't long before I had a strained calf muscle and a blister on each foot. By now there is only a little more left to go before the solace of home sweet home. I could hardly walk, and my poor dog had to drag me the last little bit. I pathetically hobbled home, picking blackberries along the way. I took my shoes off at the driveway to save my feet from the pain of the blisters with every step I took.

So here I am, a little deflated, tired and sore. I may never run in shorts again. But am I regretting it? Absolutely not. I had the courage to try it!! It may have been a total disaster, but I never want to be the person who doesn't do something because they are scared or worried about what people think. Once you let go of that, amazing things happen. Sure, it was not my finest moment, but I learned something important today. I need to work harder to one day run in shorts without my very own cheer squad. I CAN run....fast even. And I now need to take it easy for a couple day and let my wounds heal....physical and otherwise. :)

What I know for sure.

In this crazy life I call my own, there is a lot of chaos and uncertainty. This is what I know for sure.

• Clean glasses are important! And hard to achieve. 
• Finding a pile of red glitter in my closet makes me smile.
• The theme song from "Ghostbusters" will never get old, as long as its coming from my four year old. 
• Dancing makes me sooooo happy! The fact that I get to choreograph and teach 15 songs for February excites me!
• I love cake and there is no way no how I will ever stop eating cake.
• Boys are crazy. Like when my son took a flying leap off the top bunk bed. Come to think of it, they have both done that.
• Crazy boys grow into crazy men. Like when I caught them running the excavator in the shop.
• My hair and I have a love hate relationship.
• Clean floors in bare feet feels so good.
• I feel like I am failing as a mom. That comes with the territory, and in fact, I'm not at all.
• You never know what you are teaching someone, or what a little person will remember, so always be kind....even when you want to kill them!
• A good workout cures all! Or at least temporarily numbs it. 
• My friends are important to me. They have gotten me through a great deal this year and without them, I would have gone crazy a long time ago. 
• My sister and her husband are the coolest couple I know. Magical things happen when I visit them and I miss them a lot.
• When you don't see family for a long time, seeing them again is like no time ever passed. And you can hug them, hugs are good for the soul.
• Making gluten free food, like bread and battered fish, makes me feel victorious!!
• Using a weed eater makes me feel bad ass.....so does filleting a fish.
• My bucket list seems to be growing faster than I can cross stuff off. But it sure is fun!
• I still fear deep water and heights, but I challenge it every chance I get. 
•   I can eat a pound of fudge and not hate myself.
• Cheese and jalapeños were born to be together. Same with bacon and....anything really.
• I'm curvy and I like it!
• My husband loves me even though I drive him crazy sometimes. And even though he complains about boot camp taking up space in his shop, I know he wouldn't have it any other way.
• Sometimes I wish I could have a bath and a glass of wine in the middle of the day....in a sound proof room.
• There is always that one song. The song that brings me back to a moment in time I will always remember.

Goodbye

       Grief can do many things. When someone we care about passes, it's the last thing we think about at night and the first thing on your mind in the morning. Their voice repeats over in your head, you remember all the good times, you laugh, you cry and you wish for one last moment. One last time together to make sure they know how much you mean to them. One moment to hug them, care for them, and let them know they are truly loved. My memories of my Aunt Ruth were only good ones. She was the one who taught me what it is to be a great hostess. She always had every detail taken care of and at Christmas, she always had the best oranges. (And let me have as many as I wanted, no matter what my mom would say.) She was the one who helped me discover a true love for Holiday baking. I remember the piles of goodies when we would visit for Christmas. I remember making chocolates and being so excited to make something so delicious with my own two little hands, no matter how ridiculous they looked. I remember going to the lake and staying up late by the fire, eating bacon and listening to country music.  When she came to visit, I remember waiting on the front deck, filled with such anticipation, to hear her come rumbling down the dirt road.  These are some of my happiest childhood memories.

       Ruth was an amazing person. She never complained, was always helpful and generous. She never put her needs before anyone. She always took the time to make sure you had what you needed and genuinely cared. Her voice and laugh were one of a kind, and will always be heard. She was the ultimate caregiver and was always willing to help with whatever job needed to be done.

       When someone dies, it is so hard to take because it is so final. How do you say goodbye to someone to left us too early? They say that when you die your energy lives on. I believe that. I believe that the best for her is yet to come, because she deserves to live on as a Queen. She will live on in the spring flowers, unexpected rainbows and morning sunlight. Her energy is all around us and will live on forever. And even though her body is no longer with us, her laugh and caring spirit will always be.

I don't care any more.

The older I get, the less I care about things.

I don't care that the kitchen is a mess. I don't care that a parcel I was supposed to mail 10 days ago, is still sitting on the table. I don't care that my son put rainbow stickers on my wall, took them off (leaving missing paint blobs) and put them back on again. I don't care that there is laundry in the washer since Monday (it's not wet so it should be ok) or that there is still a basket of clean laundry in my room....and the boys rooms. I don't care that I can't run very fast, and I don't care that there is a giant ass behind me. I don't care that my thighs will never fit into a size 6 or that I may never have abs that you can see. They are there, trust me! I don't care that I can't buy the latest i-phone, or go out for dinner once a week. I don't care that my kid screamed at me today. I don't care about the phone bill or the hydro bill. (But I do find it funny that my husband JUST gave me shit for leaving the lights on.) I don't care that I have to eat more beans instead of steak. I don't care that part of my family may never speak to me again.


It may sound harsh, but I just don't care any more. If I did, I would be missing out on all these amazing things that I really should care about.

Sure my kitchen is a mess, but that just means there were three great meals cooked there today, and my family has full bellies. The parcel will get mailed, no use stressing over something so silly. I cherish the marks on the walls, because they will always be a reminder of the little people...who as it turns out, are turning into big people right before my eyes. The laundry will wait, I am thankful to have so many clothes that it can be stacked into piles. I am grateful for the body I have and I work hard to keep it so amazing. Just because I am not a size 6, does not mean it is not beautiful. I am healthy, I CAN run, and that's all that matters. I care about the time I get to spend this summer as a family. My husband is home more and gets to watch our kids grow up. We get to sleep in on Monday's, take naps on Tuesday's and have meals together, every day of the week. That is worth more to me. I don't care that my kid screamed at me, because with every scream, there is an equally powerful hug. My boys are happy and healthy. They can tell me they love me, and even though some days I want to pull my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs, I am grateful for every peanut butter in the hair, clothes on backwards moment. There will always be bills and groceries will always need to be purchased. I am glad I am able to eat and put food on the table. I believe that family is what you make it. Blood isn't everything. I am so grateful for the family I have built around me. I know that my friends got my back, whether its a late night chocolate bar, a laugh, confirmation that I am doing the right things, to run beside me or just to be there.  

Happiness is...

Happiness is....

It is a sip of warm coffee, alone in the truck just after I drop both kids off at school. With only the sounds of the rain and my slow breath to keep me company.

It is a tired dog asleep on the couch, with one paw dangling off.

It is the way my son calls the game of "Trouble", the "Scare your cares away" game. I don't know where he got that from.

It is the sound of the dishwasher. Because it is the only thing I can hear right now.

It is the feeling of the hot deck underneath my back as I lay in the sunshine, eyes closed.

It is the cool breeze through my hair as I run with the dog.

It is the funny stories of my husband as a teenager. Like eating three dinners in one night.

It is the tiny feet in my face at 3am.

It is the taste of a gluten free cupcake.

It is knowing I can give people something.

It is learning that friends feel the same way you do. I am not crazy!

It is the people I laugh with who are not my "family", but my true family.

It is his strong man hands resting on my arm or leg when we watch tv.

It is ideas! Ideas of creativity and success.

It is the first sip of coffee in the morning.

It is the sound of belly laughs when my youngest is being tickled.

It is seeing my post baby belly in the mirror and being ok with it.

It is holding a plank for 2 minutes.

It is the photos that line my desk of friends and family that I hardly ever get to see and miss every day.

It is letting go.

It is sore muscles the morning after a good workout.

It is his bottom lip.

It is the way my sons ask for a smooshy.

It is pink toenails on little boys.

It is clean sheets.

It is a full fridge.

It is medals that are hanging in my bathroom. A constant reminder of what I CAN do.

It is a fresh cold orange.

Happiness is simple.

Epic Birthday Party

       When I was growing up, Birthdays were always very special. It was a big deal, we ate what we wanted, and got special treatment. The last few birthday's have been fun, the usual party with friends and family. But it has been a very long time since I had a really awesome birthday, worthy of blogging about. This year, I decided a few months ago, that this would be my year! We made a million different plans, from going to the Burlesque Festival to the Luke Bryan concert. This is what ended up happening....

       Since most of our friends had other plans and we couldn't get Luke Bryan tickets (without paying an arm and a leg) Eli and I decided that we were going to Vancouver to meet our other friend Caitlyn and just see what trouble we could get into. Both of us were counting down the seconds, anxiously watching the clock until we could take the peaceful drive to the ferry to begin our 24 hour escape, without kids and husbands. Once we got on that ferry was when we were able to really relax. There was no turning back now!! So with our big backpacks full of fancy clothes, tequila, juice and anything else we might need, we grabbed the bus in Vancouver and headed to Park Royal. Oh, and we also took turns carrying the box of cake I had made that morning. (There was no way I trusted anyone else to make my birthday cake, and I WAS going to eat cake on my birthday!) We ended up hitting three stores, eat lunch at Whole Foods, took two separate busses, and walked about three blocks to make it to Caitlyn's place. The cake was mostly intact...mostly.

       After a little rest, we decided to go out for dinner, Poncho's, a local Mexican restaurant. Both the food and margaritas were equally delicious. At the end of dinner the entire staff came out with a cake and sparklers, singing Happy Birthday. We all (including me.) thought 'aww, it's someones birthday!' Then we realized it was for me! I was grateful and surprised by the gesture, however I couldn't eat the cake because of my wheat allergy. Eli was worried that she would have to eat the entire piece of cake by herself. The three of us managed to make that cake disappear in record time.

       Next, we took a cab to the Burlesque Festival, since we were able to get last minute tickets. (But not before heading to the dollar store to deck me out in a rainbow feather boa and a birthday princess tiara) By far, the best cab ride EVER. We got to talking about how HOT Luke Bryan is (obviously) and his response was: "Why do you want Luke Bryan? I am the hottest guy on the planet!" I don't what was more funny. This middle aged mans comb-over, his comment, or his ridiculous laugh. Whatever it was, it got us all giggling. He kept this on the entire ten minute drive, weaving in and out of traffic, narrowly missing at least one pedestrian. At one point, Eli even had a man offer her his nuts from the side of the road. Granted he was selling them legitimately from his "Roasted Chestnuts" food cart.

       When we got to the Burlesque Festival, right on time,we had quite a bit of fun taking in all the crazy outfits, and there were more boobies than you could shake a stick at! We were ready! The lights went dim, our excitement grew and guess what the opening act was?! A metal band? YEP! We were laughing so hard, we could hardly contain it! It wasn't long though, before the mostly naked ladies came out. And ohhh boy, did I get some great ideas for next years Boudoir Rouge!! I think that Eli's reaction to the final act was the best part of the show. This was when a very muscular and sexy black man came out, danced down to nothing but glitter pasties on his nipples and a glitter sock cover his penis, which was flailing about quite vigorously.

       Our next plan was to meet up with another friend and go dancing!! YES, dancing!! We met up at the Roxy and danced to some pretty great tunes from the cover band. The songs were awesome and the company was even better. Eli got hit on by what looked to be a 13 year old, and all of us got attempted lap danced from drunk men at one point or another. We ended up back at Caitlyn's by 1am, ate a large amount of birthday cake and passed out.

       The next morning was probably the best morning we both had in a very long time. We slept in, in a dark and QUIET place, until 10am!! 10am! And not only did we not rush to get out of bed, we got cake and ate it in bed. It was so amazing to lay in bed in peace, get up when we wanted, and not have to answer a million questions or fulfil any demands from little people. Don't get me wrong, I love my little family, but this morning was like winning the lottery! When we finally did get out of bed, we enjoyed a walk in the fresh air and had a huge breakfast. It wasn't long before we realized that we should get going and start our trip back for the 3:30 ferry. We knew we were really pushing it by catching the 3:30 ferry, instead of the 1:30, so we (leisurely)  walked down from Caitlyn's to catch the bus downtown to Horseshoe Bay. Once at the bus stop, under cover from the light rain, we realized that traffic was at a standstill. The bus to get us to the ferry had already rushed past, full. After about 15 minutes of waiting, we found out that there had been an accident on the bridge, which explained why the traffic was not moving. We knew our husbands would kill us if we didn't make the ferry. What were two girls to do? So in true Booty Camp Girl style, we ran across the Lions Gate Bridge to Park Royal. Thats right. In lasts nights jeans, my Converse high-tops, and our loaded backpacks, we set out to run to the mall, then catch a cab to the ferry, all in hopes that we make the 3:30 ferry. I am pretty sure that it was about five minutes into it, that it started to pour down rain. It was raining so hard that water was sloshing in my shoes. My mascara made lines down my face, and my shirt was soaked through within the first fifteen minutes. It was awesome! I had always wanted to run across the bridge. We made it to Park Royal within 40 minutes, hopped into a cab and made it to the ferry in record time! We hit the washroom to change into some of our dry clothes, where Eli was able to look put together and fabulous in about three minutes, while I had a love affair with the hot air dryer. I tried to brush out my Diana Ross inspired rats nest, but upon hearing Eli yell "Put it back!" I threw it back up in a messy bun. The ferry ride home was long and cold.

        I wanted this birthday to be an amazing and epic adventure and it was more than I could have ever hoped for. Thank you Eli for being my partner in crime, Caitlyn for letting us crash your place and taking us to the best restaurants, and Carleen for finding the perfect place to dance like I was 19 again. I truly have the best friends a girl could ever ask for. Thank you!

Barbells of wisdom.

     For the past two years I have been working out and changing my lifestyle. I work out at least twice a week, EVERY week. I have gone from a size 16 to a size 10, lost about 30lbs and learned a shit-load about what it means to be healthy. It has been an eye opening experience for me, lots of ups and downs, lots of crying, lots of moments where I thought I would quite, and lots of victories. I would like to share with you, some tips and insight into this crazy journey and what it was for me. I know a lot of you are just starting out, just trying to get healthy.  I hope this post can help keep you focused on your goal, and help you realize that a lot of people are going through the same crap that you are. So, in no particular order, here are the top things I learned while losing weight.

* Get a partner....or two, three, four.... Be accountable! Find a group of women who know you, have the same fitness and lifestyle goals, and make a plan. Set some goals together and be accountable to each other. Show up for workouts and if someone doesn't make it, call and harass them! (And hope they do the same for you) There is no hope in hell that I would have ever made it this far without the amazing group of women I have around me.

* Say goodbye to whatever boobs you may have. They will be the first to go! 

* Abs are made in the kitchen! Believe me, I have a solid six-pack under that layer of fat, and all the working out in the world is not going to show them off. You have to change your diet AND exercise. It doesn't have to be extreme, make little changes every day. Add more fruits and veggies, drink more water, watch your portions. You will get there. 

* There is no magic pill! If you want to lose weight and keep it off, the only solution is hard work. Don't buy in to the diet pills, the hormone supplements, protein drinks, magic shakes or wonder drinks. Everything you need to lose weight and get healthy can be found in the produce aisle of your grocery store. 

* Celebrate every victory and keep track of all of it! You ran your first lap around the track without stopping? Write it down and don't be afraid to celebrate it! Sure there are lots of people who can do that... but there are also a lot of people who can't. You just became part of the group of people who CAN!

* Never, EVER compare yourself to someone else. This is true for most areas of your life! You cannot compare how fast you run to someone else who has been running forever. Even if you do the same training, some people are just faster. You have to be proud that you are even running! Some people are good at running, some people are good at squats. You will find what you are good at and you will rock the shit out of it!

* Throw out your scale and measure yourself!!! Take pictures too, naked ones! (Or close to it) Its really hard to see weight loss on yourself, but if you have pictures and measurements, they cannot lie! I went from a size 16 to a size 12 without losing a single pound. And nothing ever happens overnight. 

* Whatever fitness and lifestyle goals you set, add FOREVER to the end of it. A wise man once told me. (Thank you Nick for all that you do! We love you!!) I want to be able to run a 5km without stopping or wanting to die....forever! YES! I want to be able to avoid all cookies and cakes and any form of sugar....forever?? Set standards and goals that you can live with....FOREVER! 

* LIFT WEIGHTS! Do not be afraid to lift weight, you will not turn into a bulging muscle head. You will look leaner, feel stronger and burn fat as you sleep.  

* Eating healthy is not complicated. Although it may seem that way because there is soooo much information out there, its hard to know what to trust. Its simple. Add more veggies, eat proteins after a workout to rebuild your muscles, drink lots of water and never skip a meal. 

* There are no failures. You might slow down, you might take a break, you might eat 12 mini cupcakes in one day or eat your child entire advent calendar . As long as you dust yourself off and get back up, you did not fail.  

     I always expected that I would work hard to lose weight, then stop once I reached the goal. This is so far from the reality. The changes I have made are with me forever. I will live longer and stronger because of the changes I have made. Its not easy, but nothing worth having ever is. Yes its hard work, but you know whats harder? Looking the mirror every day and being sad about how I look. There were so many days that I stood in front of that mirror and wished so hard that I would find the energy to change. Now that I have, I can look in the mirror and be proud. Sure there are still things I want to change, but now I can do that with my head held high. 

Moments

I believe that life is just a series of moments. Important moments are the ones that change your life in a second and shape your life into the one that was designed for you. Yes, you make choices, and I believe that what you  do with the life changing moments is what makes your life great. (If you let it)

There are many moments that I distinctly remember, that changed my life. Some were amazing and some were absolutely horrifying, but I wouldn't change a thing, because it brought me to where I am today.

The moment I realized I could be creative changed my life. I remember sitting on the couch with my mom and sister. I was 5 or 6. She was teaching me how to embroider shapes on a piece of fabric. I remember being so excited about picking out the colors and creating something with my own tiny hands.

The moment I stepped onto the stage for my first dance recital. I was terrified and exhilarated. I knew that I was meant to be there. Dance has and always will be a part of me.

The moment I watched my sister walk off the bus behind me after it was smashed by a fully loaded cement truck. I realized at that moment what my sister meant to me. The worry and fear that I felt for her was overwhelming. I knew then that we were each others protectors.

The moment I was crying in a hotel room, terrified to take a leap of faith. The next day I was scheduled to write the test that would certify me as a Subway Restaurant owner. The decision to let go and jump into the unknown, despite my feelings and insecurities, changed my life.

The moment I meant my husband to be. He literally asked me to marry him on the sport. Oh course I laughed and walked away, but as fate would have it, we married a few years later.

The moment I realized my life would never be the same. I was laying in bed with my husband in the beginning stages of labour with my first child. We were so tired and I we wanted to do was sleep. I wished that I could stop time and lay with him for a few more hours... just the two of us.

The second that I realized my husband was stuck under a 60 000lbs boat. I didn't know if he was dead or alive. That was the scariest moment of my life, and still two years later, I panic when he doesn't answer his cell phone or come home on time. And even though it was the toughest thing we have ever gone through, it make us stronger, and I am thankful for every moment more I get to spend with him.

The first time my son laughed.  It was the hearty belly laugh that lights up a room. I knew I had made the right decision, despite my feelings of defeat, exhaustion and confusion.

The moment I walked away from a relationship that was damaging to me and my family. I decided I would be in control of my life and my feelings. I still don't regret it, and remember the weight being lifted off as I walked out the door.

The moment I realized that it was ok to fail. There would be better opportunities and more chances to succeed.

The moment I peeked out of the curtains to see almost 200 people looking back at me. It was just seconds before I walked on stage to dance in the first Boudoir Rouge. I knew that we had accomplished something great and was so proud of my team and my ability to make my vision a reality.

The moment I finished a workout with a friend that would change my life. It was from that moment on that we decided that getting healthy was a choice we were going to make from now on.

The moment "Booty Girls"came out of Arthur's mouth. From then on, my workout friends and I were more than just that. We were a team, a group of amazing women and we will accomplish great things.  

The moment I was left alone on my pink kitchen after my friends and family help me celebrate its official opening. I knew it was built for greatness.

These moments, some I want to forget, made me the person I am today. I would not change them because I believe that there is always something to learn. I am thankful for the difficult times because they make the great times that much better. I can't wait to see what moments the future has for me.

Rest in Peace Ray

I have been wondering how I would feel about this moment when it came, and it finally did. Last night I found out that my Grandfather died after a long battle with cancer, and I don't know how I feel about it.

Loss is a terrible thing and grief can do strange things to someone. Not to trivialize his life, but I feel indifferent about his passing. I know that he enriched many lives, and I'm sure was a loving and caring person, but I never got the opportunity to know that for myself.

Growing up, I was always told that I wasn't missing out. He was not spoken highly of in our house. (To say the least) I always thought that was strange. Grandparents are supposed to be loving figures who care for you, give you treats, and who's houses smell like cookies. When I was in my early twenties, I went out East to meet him. It was the first time meeting him that I actually remember. Our last time in contact was when I was practically still in diapers. My parents had a falling out and closed off all contact. The visit was short, sweet and surreal. I had hoped that it would be the beginning of a new relationship, but I never heard from him after that. I know that I could have called. I guess I was afraid of the rejection. But at the same time, it's a two way street. It always boggled my mind that he would not want to at least get to know me a little.

I feel like I missed out on history. I don't know what he was like, what his proud moments were, what he was good at.... He never knew my kids, his great grand kids. He was the last remaining grandparent. I guess I am most sad about that. There is so much I never got to learn about him.

What makes this situation even more difficult is that I recently had a falling out with my parents. They have treated me in such a way that is nearly unforgivable. So what do I do now.....?

I spent a lifetime wondering who my grandparents were.  I can't do that to my kids, but I have to protect them and do what is right for me and my family. I only know that I will ensure not to project my feelings for my parents on to my kids. And when they are old enough to decide for themselves, they are more than welcomed to spend time with them. I can only hope that they will accept that when the time comes.

Happy New Year!

I don't usually get caught up in any big New Years parties, fresh starts, or setting New Years resolutions. I believe that you can have a clean slate and start fresh with a good attitude any time. It is however a good time to reflect and be thankful for what you have gone through, what you have learned and experienced in the past year.  I try to always focus on the positive.

This year was a year for crossing off items on my bucket list! I February, I danced in a burlesque show. I got on stage loud and proud and took advantage of every nerve racking moment. It was awesome! During the summer, friends took me kayaking for the very first time. Being scared of deep water, I was nervous about it, but had a really great time. I also got to go skinny dipping. Too much Gin and the summer air got to us all. I also got a new tattoo, the oak tree I always wanted, to symbolize the strength of family. Finally, I got to go to Disneyland at Christmas time! The lights and decorations were just like I imagined they would be. The magic in the air was even better than I remembered. And seeing such a wonderful crazy place through the eyes of my two boys was more than I expected.

This year was also a year for close friendships and strength. I grew more friendships this year than I have in my whole life combined. Together we ran races, put on awesome events, raised over $5000 for charity, got into great shape, contemplated running naked through the streets, climbed over buses and parked cars, earned medals, threw great parties, wore wedding dresses, watched two beautiful people get married, and supported each other in a way that I have never seen. This is what I am most proud of this year. Finding a group of women who don't judge, who have my back, and laugh at real things. We aren't afraid to be silly and we try not to take life too seriously. We are supportive and encouraging and always willing to help out.

Another great moment for me this year was when I decided to get serious about cupcakes and build my own commercial kitchen. It was scary, and still is, but also so rewarding and exciting. I have a great opportunity to make a living for my family on my own terms. I get to be creative at the job I love, everyday. My husband is also spending more time at home and less time working. A gift I will always cherish. Learning that wealth is not only measured by how much money you have is probably the lesson I am so thankful to have learned this year.

This year I am also learning that it's ok to let go. It's ok to let go of relationship, family, or friends. Life is too short to hang on to baggage, or to let people hurt you. Just because someone is family, doesn't mean they have a right to take away ANY of your sparkle. I feel so much freedom from discovering this.

Finally this year, we have gotten a new puppy! His name is Captain. After a long time wanting for a dog in my life, I finally convinced my husband! I now feel like our little family is complete. I didn't expect how much I would enjoy seeing the boys play with him, and want to take care of him.

Sometimes when I look back at my life, I am amazed by all the cool, super awesome, exciting things I have been able to do. I can't wait to see what is in store for me this year! It IS going to be a GREAT year!!